In case anyone was wondering, I'm quite the judgmental bitch. I will form my opinion on any given situation within a matter of minutes. I can tell you exactly what I think of you within about ten minutes of speaking with you. Also, I enjoy concocting elaborate narratives about the lives and thoughts of individuals I observe while people watching. This being said, I think it's safe to say the main factor I judge people on is their choice in libations. I'll admit it, I have reached a new level of shallow. I no longer judge people based on their clothing or accessories, or even by their political beliefs (well, that's a lie. I still do that). I am a firm believer I can assume everything I need to know about an individual after I know what their booze of choice is.
Allow me to elaborate.
As someone who has been drinking heavily for at least the past 8 years of my life, I may not be able to pride myself in a lot of the decisions I've made while intoxicated, but I am definitely proud of my refinement in alcoholic taste. I no longer can stand the sight of cheap vodka and cringe at the idea of Nattie Light (if you grew up in Tolland, CT, you've probably blacked out on Dubra once or twice, and if you're me, you've drank an entire fifth of it and subsequently flashed Yank at the welcome back dance. That's neither here nor there).
So what are my first reactions to people who ask that their mixed drinks be made with bottom-shelf quality liquor, or get really excited that Bud Light and Coors Light are on draft? I either assume that they are either underage, or total white trash. Or total underage white trash. Either way, the level you drink at is an automatic indicator of your social status. Only the best people drink the best alcohol, duh.
As far as beers go, it's so basic to assume that the best beer you can get is Blue Moon. Allow me to introduce you to the 21st century, micro-brewery edition. Micro brews are a great way to explore various alcoholic tastes and various types of beer. Never heard of an IPA? Don't know the difference between an ale and a lager? Hone up on your beer knowledge! It will make you seem smarter, and will in turn, make you attractive to smarter people. You'll be trendier, and will appear much more refined than in your frat boy, Coors Light-drinking years. Also, micro-brews tend to have a higher a.b.v. than the standard light beer, and a much more tolerable flavor than the disgusting national brand heavy beer, so it will take less of them to achieve the party buzz you're seeking (recession tip). However, the stand-by's such as Coors Light and Bud Light are very useful when one needs to consume large quantities of beer in a limited amount of time (including, but not limited to, activities such as: chugging, shot gunning, beer pong, beer bat, flip cup, etc). This makes sense however, because nobody that is actually able to post all of their party pictures on Facebook plays those games on a regular basis anyway.
When it comes to wine, I am far from a connoisseur. However, I will maintain my knowledge that white zinfandel will always be stripper juice. That's a fact. And I judge people who claim to be "classy" while guzzling the rose wine (and most likely wearing a $19.99 pair of Charlotte Russe heels with matching earrings, belt, and chunky necklace to boot). Give up girl, and don't let your acrylics break when you hold onto the stemware.
As far as liquor goes, I really form my opinions on people when I view their hard liquor intake. Nothing makes me want to slap someone harder than those who drink fruity mixed drinks that are like, 1 part vodka to every 4 parts juice. If I wanted lemonade with a "splash" of booze, I'd go back to sixth grade, thanks. Go big or go home is what I say. Allow yourself a base liquor, and one mixer of choice. My personal favorite mixed drinks include: vodka & soda, vodka vodka & soda, tequila and OJ, tequila & soda with a splash of OJ, Jack on the rocks, vodka water with a splash of sour, and whiskey water with a splash of sour (to name a few). I refuse to drink vodka cranberries, and I advise others to do the same. Cranberry juice is only useful if you have a UTI, and if you're slamming vodka cranberries, I think you'd be better off spending the night finding the root of how you contracted the UTI in the first place. Detest Grey Goose, because it's over rated, and predictable. Instead, allow yourself to luxury of Belvedere or Hangar. There is nothing wrong with Ketel One. If you're balling on a budget, 3 Olives is a personal favorite of mine. The golden rule of liquor is that if you have to bend down to get it off the shelf, you could probably use it to clean your sink, and I don't like drinking Pine-Sol. My assessment of alcohol quality is derived from whether or not I could drink it on the rocks. If it's truly a decent spirit, I can enjoy it with just a little bit of ice. And a lot of good times.
As far as cocktails go, blue Long Islands and Electric Lemonades are for broke undergrads. I'm judging you, 42 year old woman, who asks for a Blue Long Island with extra lemons and a fucking cherry. I'm judging you.
Yes, fun shots are fun to do. For like, two rounds, on your 21st birthday. Grow a pair and shoot straight. Not only are birthday cake shots a pain in the ass for a bartender to make, but nothing flashes the "amateur" light like asking for a round of Dirty Girl Scouts, especially after your a few deep. Have you ever puked up creme de menthe? I don't recommend it.
Overall, I'd say that drinking is probably one of my favorite past times, aside from berating people (generally while drinking), and spending money (generally on alcohol). When you're this good at something, it's hard not to look down on those of lesser talent. But don't say I didn't try to help.
