God Damn it, Miley.

Alright, whatever.  I get it.  Miley's going through her first mid life crisis or something.  I would be on the verge of a mental breakdown too if I'd just lost my super hot Australian fiance and all of my hair.  Come to think of it, I was in a very similar situation a few years ago.  Well, I was in a situation that involved an Australian Jewish poker player getting sent back to Australia after not having the correct documents to get over the Canadian border, and my hair was a lot shorter and blonder, but still.  Potato, vodka.
I'm not trying to pretend that I totally GET Miley, because truthfully, I've never smoked salvia so I can't really relate.  There's also that entire "I'm not from a super rich white trash family and I was never a Disney child star" issue, but that's neither here nor there.
Basically, I understand needing to break out of your shell and shock people.  It must be so unbelievably tiring to be a multi million dollar franchise at the age of 20, especially when you've made your millions by being a pop star among the 11-15 year old set.  I was fine with all of Miley's ridiculous antics;  I could handle her creepy teddy bear fetish.  I was dealing with the foam finger.  I thought we were going to be fine.
And then she fucking did this:

Yup.  That's Miley with photographer/pedophile Terry Richardson.  You know, the guy who's famous for "not roofie-ing" young models/actresses and getting them to show him their tits on camera.  So anyway, she did a (shocker!) controversial photo shoot with him.  I thought it wouldn't be that offensive.  I mean...

Here she is practicing her kissing technique, presumably providing insight as to why the world's 9th hottest actor left her ass.  Fine, I can handle it.

Here she is impersonating a dragon.  Cool.  

This is Miley pretending to be a stoned 11 year old boy who got bored in math class and gave himself tattoos on his fingers with a Sharpie.  Whatever, I can dig it.

Now she's trying to be sexy, but all I can focus on is that monstrosity of a tattoo on her leg.  Oh well.  Not bad.

Oh, here she is trying to SHOCK AND AWE with a suggestively placed aluminum innuendo.  Snooze.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME MILEY?  ARIZONA GRAPEADE?!  ARNOLD PALMER OR GTFO.

I'm done with her.

Domesticity.

As an adult, I'm responsible for many things.  I can't think of them at the moment, but I'm sure I'll be reminded the next time my mother decides to call me and yell at me for failing to take responsibility for aforementioned ambiguous tasks.  I generally fuck up most adult tasks and call my mother in need of a bail out every 14 to 15 days or so, but there are a few areas of living on my own I think I've mastered.  For example, I can do my own laundry with minimal damage on my clothing.  For anything I'm unclear on in the clothes cleaning sector, I tend to mitigate my responsibilities to the local Asian family who takes great pride in their ability to dry clothes clean (a science I'll never understand.  I once spent hours with a blow dryer on a silk skirt in DIY dry cleaning attempt and I did not remove the semen stain.  On the bright side, I've been swallowing ever since).    My cleaning abilities are a solid 5 out of 10, which is a drastic improvement from what they were back when my mother physically used to clean my living space.  As you can probably tell, I'm essentially a domestic goddess, and if there's one area my stay at home prowess shines, it's in the kitchen.
I realize we live in a world of fatasses who rely on take out and Lean Cuisines, so I've decided to divulge a few of my favorite recipes.  These are perfect for the modern girl on the go (think Hannah Horvath - Lena Dunham's character in GIRLS - but hot, not fat, and with friends who don't fuck art dealers).  Here's some insight to the dishes I've been whipping up in la kitchen (that's Spanish for "the kitchen) as of late.

AVOCADO
Ingredients:  1 avocado (or more, if you're hungry)
Prep Time:  However long it takes to cut an avocado.  I don't know, I don't have a thorough grasp on everyone's motor skills.
Cook Time:  Nunca.
First, take a ripe avocado (you know they're ripe when they're slightly soft.  I think).
Find a sharp knife (preferably a short one.  These are a good investment in case you ever decide to channel Jodi Arias, or if you ever decide to get wine drunk, be dramatic, and tell your live in boyfriend you're going to slit your wrists if he doesn't buy you something), and cut the avocado in half all the way through.
Slice each half in several vertical columns.
At this point, you can either leave the skin on and just dive right in with a spoon, or if you're going for presentation, you can scoop the slices out of the spoon and put them on a plate.  Add salt if you haven't given a blowjob lately and received your daily dose of NaCl (or if you like salt).
Enjoy your avocado.
I like this recipe because it's so versatile.  You don't have to use an avocado, you can sub any other fruit that requires no cooking.  Basically, you slice up any vegetable you have lying around and lie to yourself about actually preparing a meal when in actuality you just pulled some cutting edge hunter gatherer shit.

ICED COFFEE
Ingredients:  Coffee
Prep Time:  This is complex.  You'll see.
Cook Time:  Stop that.
There are a few ways to tackle this, but you need to have faith in yourself.
Whichever route you decide to take, you need to start by procuring some HOT coffee.  There are a few ways to do so:  you can either use a Keurig to brew yourself a few cups of your favorite blend.  You can go to your local Starbucks and use the gift card you got for graduation and forgot about and buy about 6 ventis of the Pike Place roast, or you can be a fucking pilgrim and use your own coffee maker to make a pot.  Whatever you decide, once you have the hot coffee, you need to put it in a pitcher and refrigerate it until it's cool.
After you've poured the coffee into the pitcher, pour leftover coffee into an ice tray and let it turn into ice in the freezer.
Whenever everything is cold/frozen, remove the coffee-ice cubes and place in a glass.  Pour cold coffee over coffee-ice cubes, stick a straw in, and enjoy.
This recipe takes a lot of time, so I would recommend picking up an iced coffee to drink while you're waiting for your homemade iced coffee to be ready, just to hold you over.  Pumpkin is back!

GROWN UP GRAPE JUICE
Just get a bottle of red wine and drink the entire thing.  I find wine is a great appetite suppressant, and reds usually make you tired, so by the time you've finished the bottle, and Facebook stalking your ex, you'll be too exhausted to put something edible together.

Alright that's all I've got for now.  Happy eating/starving yourself.

FUCK YOU, KYLE SMITH.

I try to keep my musings and rants impersonal and light.  I don't like to tread on hot topics, and I've always done my part to NOT make this blog an atmosphere in which I shed light on personal vendettas.  That being said, I came across a New York Post article today that I can not ignore.
Kyle Smith, writer of the truly profound blog "Movies," a New York Post Entity, wrote an article cleverly titled "You Got Served!" in which he expressed his unfiltered, completely bias, and completely condescending opinions of people who work in the service industry.  Aside from eliminating all doubt that he is pompous, anti-American, and arrogant without reason, he wrote an entire article summing up what is wrong with our society today.
His article, which you can read here, expressed his disdain for waiters and waitresses in New York City.  He complained that restaurant patrons are "forced to make nice to these creepy ex-darlings of their high school theater departments because of the unspoken hostage drama that's taking place behind the scenes with...food," implicitly stating that if you don't treat your server with the slightest grain of respect, your food will be tampered with.
I don't know about you, but I grew up in a world where the golden rule was, "treat others how you would like to be treated," not, "treat others who are clearly inferior to you with a condescending 'respect' to ensure your food doesn't get tampered with."
As someone who works in the service industry, I deal with every type of idiot on the spectrum throughout the course of a shift.  As frustrating and rude as people can be, I have found that there is still some good in the world, and, the majority of the people I wait on are actually decent human beings with a basic understanding of social decorum.  I'm not here to bitch about the job that's paying my bills while I get a second degree, but I think it's only fair the rude, unfounded and offensive claims made by Mr. Smith are rebutted.
The overall tone of the article was hostile and sought justification for his behavior of the patron everyone in the service industry dreads of encountering.  He made no effort to act embarrassed or ashamed of the fact he only leaves an 11% tip, which is reason enough for concern as it is.
First of all, the tipping standard is 20%.  Servers are payed below minimum wage because it is common knowledge, on par with the color of the sky, that diners leave their waiter or waitress a tip that reflects the total of the bill.  Most servers have to tip out various other restaurant personnel, including the hostess, the bartenders, and the bus boys.  These tip outs are done on a percentage of the total sales of their shift; tipping 11% generally means the server is ACTUALLY getting 2% of the check, and when taxes are deducted from their already fecal paychecks, they are essentially PAYING FOR HIM to sit in their section because he is too much of a cheap, over critical prick to leave 20% of the check. For someone who claims to be a capitalist, I find it ironic he has no problem in allowing someone to essentially pay for him to dine out.
I think Mr. Smith intended his piece to be an edgy, satirical stance against over-zealous, over-friendly servers who pay their bills by turning tables and being attentive to their guests.  Guess what, Kyle?  You're a fucking dick.  Not only did you falsely assume every server is a struggling, up and coming performer, but you wrongfully asserted that we're all idiots.  I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with working in the service industry.  I'm not asking my parents for  hand outs, and I'm paying my own bills, and *gasp* I'm paying taxes, inherently contributing to society.  I'm unclear as to why people find it appropriate to condescend anyone for the manner in which they pay their bills.  I also can't fathom how someone could be so socially handicapped to not find an issue in writing a mass-produced article encouraging people to treat others disrespectfully.  His article bashed servers for having a sense of entitlement when it came to receiving tips at the end of the night, but in reality, he only described his own sense of outrageous entitlement.
He continued to compare dining in the US to dining in France (by the way, he spends TWO WHOLE WEEKS of each year there, so he's OBVIOUSLY an authority on all things French), which is absolutely ridiculous.  He commended servers in France who don't work for tips, which would be fine to do...if the economies of the US and France were similar.
Look, I understand Mr. Smith was trying to be funny while being a dick about people who actually work for their money, but I cannot appreciate him being rude and making unsupported assertions about the people in the service industry.  If he hates dining out in the US so much, he should just stay home.  There's no need for him to waste everyone's time and effort just so he can go home and complain about it.  It's not that fucking difficult to prepare meals at home, and coming from someone who claims to only be remotely polite to servers because he lives in fear of them fucking with his food, I don't think cooking his own meals would be an outrageous suggestion.
Or, maybe he could move to France, since they're obviously the only other country he's ever visited...and they're SO far superior to the United States anyway.
I hope somewhere in New York, Kyle Smith is getting mugged and beaten somewhere.  I'd consider it fair retribution for all of the negative, bad energy he seems to have no problem releasing into the world.
What a dick.