As an adult, I'm responsible for many things. I can't think of them at the moment, but I'm sure I'll be reminded the next time my mother decides to call me and yell at me for failing to take responsibility for aforementioned ambiguous tasks. I generally fuck up most adult tasks and call my mother in need of a bail out every 14 to 15 days or so, but there are a few areas of living on my own I think I've mastered. For example, I can do my own laundry with minimal damage on my clothing. For anything I'm unclear on in the clothes cleaning sector, I tend to mitigate my responsibilities to the local Asian family who takes great pride in their ability to dry clothes clean (a science I'll never understand. I once spent hours with a blow dryer on a silk skirt in DIY dry cleaning attempt and I did not remove the semen stain. On the bright side, I've been swallowing ever since). My cleaning abilities are a solid 5 out of 10, which is a drastic improvement from what they were back when my mother physically used to clean my living space. As you can probably tell, I'm essentially a domestic goddess, and if there's one area my stay at home prowess shines, it's in the kitchen.
I realize we live in a world of fatasses who rely on take out and Lean Cuisines, so I've decided to divulge a few of my favorite recipes. These are perfect for the modern girl on the go (think Hannah Horvath - Lena Dunham's character in GIRLS - but hot, not fat, and with friends who don't fuck art dealers). Here's some insight to the dishes I've been whipping up in la kitchen (that's Spanish for "the kitchen) as of late.
AVOCADO
Ingredients: 1 avocado (or more, if you're hungry)
Prep Time: However long it takes to cut an avocado. I don't know, I don't have a thorough grasp on everyone's motor skills.
Cook Time: Nunca.
First, take a ripe avocado (you know they're ripe when they're slightly soft. I think).
Find a sharp knife (preferably a short one. These are a good investment in case you ever decide to channel Jodi Arias, or if you ever decide to get wine drunk, be dramatic, and tell your live in boyfriend you're going to slit your wrists if he doesn't buy you something), and cut the avocado in half all the way through.
Slice each half in several vertical columns.
At this point, you can either leave the skin on and just dive right in with a spoon, or if you're going for presentation, you can scoop the slices out of the spoon and put them on a plate. Add salt if you haven't given a blowjob lately and received your daily dose of NaCl (or if you like salt).
Enjoy your avocado.
I like this recipe because it's so versatile. You don't have to use an avocado, you can sub any other fruit that requires no cooking. Basically, you slice up any vegetable you have lying around and lie to yourself about actually preparing a meal when in actuality you just pulled some cutting edge hunter gatherer shit.
ICED COFFEE
Ingredients: Coffee
Prep Time: This is complex. You'll see.
Cook Time: Stop that.
There are a few ways to tackle this, but you need to have faith in yourself.
Whichever route you decide to take, you need to start by procuring some HOT coffee. There are a few ways to do so: you can either use a Keurig to brew yourself a few cups of your favorite blend. You can go to your local Starbucks and use the gift card you got for graduation and forgot about and buy about 6 ventis of the Pike Place roast, or you can be a fucking pilgrim and use your own coffee maker to make a pot. Whatever you decide, once you have the hot coffee, you need to put it in a pitcher and refrigerate it until it's cool.
After you've poured the coffee into the pitcher, pour leftover coffee into an ice tray and let it turn into ice in the freezer.
Whenever everything is cold/frozen, remove the coffee-ice cubes and place in a glass. Pour cold coffee over coffee-ice cubes, stick a straw in, and enjoy.
This recipe takes a lot of time, so I would recommend picking up an iced coffee to drink while you're waiting for your homemade iced coffee to be ready, just to hold you over. Pumpkin is back!
GROWN UP GRAPE JUICE
Just get a bottle of red wine and drink the entire thing. I find wine is a great appetite suppressant, and reds usually make you tired, so by the time you've finished the bottle, and Facebook stalking your ex, you'll be too exhausted to put something edible together.
Alright that's all I've got for now. Happy eating/starving yourself.
