Up until last summer, I don't think I knew who I was.
I blamed the failure of past relationships on the shortcomings of my exes, only attributing my own mistakes as resulting behavior; a natural reaction to the injustice I (thought) I had been faced with.
As is expected in my life, my plans of heading to Austin last summer were derailed two weeks before I was supposed to head to the Lone Star state. In true Engelbert fashion, I impulsively decided to move to Block Island, RI for the summer. The plan was to wait tables, waste time, and spend some time at the beach while trying to get my inner compass to point in any direction for a definitive amount of time.
The plan was not, in any capacity, to fall in love.
As arrogant as it was, I assumed I was too good for him from the beginning, and assumed this conceived superiority would mean I would never, ever, feel any type of real attachment towards him. At first, I avoided him and tried to play hard to get, amused at how much power I thought I had over him. He was so charismatic and charming, and despite what every single fiber of the common sense I had left told me, I decided to give him a chance.
I recognized this romance should have been a brief summer fling after I was too far into it. The entire time, I should have just been walking along where the surf breaks on the shore, but instead, I dove in head first past the point where waves start to form.
That's the thing about being all consumed by a toxic relationship; the person you're with will actually swallow you whole, and at some point, you begin to blur boundaries. Everything you previously had considered a hard no has become a possibility. You're not sure of where you stand on anything anymore. You're not even sure of who you are.
So why did I lose my mind, and myself? I'm not sure. I got wrapped up in a whirlwind of being cavalier and responsibility free. I loved being loved by someone. I created a complex and elusive individual that didn't actually exist inside of a liar. I lost who I was and instead became a girl I never thought I could be; the one who did everything for the sake of her boyfriend.
While I still can't fully wrap my mind around the complexities and heartbreaks of completely toxic and irrational love, I can assert this: devoting all of my energy into trying to make a miserable person happy was EXHAUSTING. I actually felt physically, mentally and emotionally drained from trying to be the person I thought he needed at the moment. Whenever I took a step back and started to think I didn't deserve the heartache, I actually felt guilty for feeling entitled to love. That notion alone should have been a red flag: of course I was entitled to love, and of course I was entitled to be happy. Nobody should feel as if they don't deserve to be loved.
To say I was in a thankless relationship is an understatement. I gave, and gave, and tried until I couldn't anymore. I hated myself for sticking around. I basically became an addict to the one thing that was destroying me the most.
I wasn't writing. I wasn't doing anything to better myself.
Breaking up with him was like coming up for air after scuba diving. I hadn't felt the weight of all I'd been dealing with until I felt the lack of it. After time, days got better. I laughed again. I began to focus on myself, and my goals, and realized I needed to spend time alone to avoid putting myself through the hell I just had.
Still, I wanted some form of reassurance that I hadn't actually just wasted the better part of a year. I needed the validation that he had, at one point, truly loved me the way I thought he had. Had I really created the entire depth of the relationship?
Not only did I begin to hate him for treating me the way he had and blaming his actions on me being crazy, but I hated him for actually making me crazy.
I couldn't let go of the relationship because I needed closure, which I've now come to terms and realized I'll never get. I don't know why I would have expected a mature and realistic conversation from someone who possesses neither of those attributes.
What I have realized, however, is the only people who can ever have power over you are the ones you allow to. You can't create a relationship off of wishes and what if's: a relationship is what it is at face value, and you can't waste time and energy fixing something broken beyond repair or trying to save someone who doesn't want to save themselves.
I'll never fully understand what drew me to this absolutely toxic individual, but I can't dwell on the pain anymore. I know the only way I can actually move on and let go is by letting myself do so.
You can't erase the memories you shared with someone or the time you devoted to them, but you can absolutely learn from it.
So yes...
You'll always be my talk until the sun comes up on the beach. You'll always have the part of me I gave you. I'll never look at another sunrise, or the Mohegan Bluffs, or another mile of empty beach the same way again. I don't think I can even look at Block Island the same way. You'll always be the keeper of some of my secrets.
You'll also always be the reason I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep, wondering why I wasn't enough. I'll never forget what it was like to fall so completely in love with another person that I was willing to (and did, in some cases) change my entire life for them.
Loving you made me weak in so many ways, but it also made me so much stronger. Now I know what it feels like to be settled and happy for it, which is something I"ll carry with me forever. Now, I finally know how to stand up for myself the right way.
I also finally know who just isn't worth the time.
So thanks, I guess.
