Learning to Move On.

Up until last summer, I don't think I knew who I was.
I blamed the failure of past relationships on the shortcomings of my exes, only attributing my own mistakes as resulting behavior; a natural reaction to the injustice I (thought) I had been faced with.
As is expected in my life, my plans of heading to Austin last summer were derailed two weeks before I was supposed to head to the Lone Star state.  In true Engelbert fashion, I impulsively decided to move to Block Island, RI for the summer.  The plan was to wait tables, waste time, and spend some time at the beach while trying to get my inner compass to point in any direction for a definitive amount of time.
The plan was not, in any capacity, to fall in love.
As arrogant as it was, I assumed I was too good for him from the beginning, and assumed this conceived superiority would mean I would never, ever, feel any type of real attachment towards him.  At first, I avoided him and tried to play hard to get, amused at how much power I thought I had over him.  He was so charismatic and charming, and despite what every single fiber of the common sense I had left told me, I decided to give him a chance.
I recognized this romance should have been a brief summer fling after I was too far into it.  The entire time, I should have just been walking along where the surf breaks on the shore, but instead, I dove in head first past the point where waves start to form.
That's the thing about being all consumed by a toxic relationship; the person you're with will actually swallow you whole, and at some point, you begin to blur boundaries.  Everything you previously had considered a hard no has become a possibility.  You're not sure of where you stand on anything anymore.  You're not even sure of who you are.
So why did I lose my mind, and myself?  I'm not sure.  I got wrapped up in a whirlwind of being cavalier and responsibility free.  I loved being loved by someone.  I created a complex and elusive individual that didn't actually exist inside of a liar.  I lost who I was and instead became a girl I never thought I could be; the one who did everything for the sake of her boyfriend.
While I still can't fully wrap my mind around the complexities and heartbreaks of completely toxic and irrational love, I can assert this:  devoting all of my energy into trying to make a miserable person happy was EXHAUSTING.  I actually felt physically, mentally and emotionally drained from trying to be the person I thought he needed at the moment.  Whenever I took a step back and started to think I didn't deserve the heartache, I actually felt guilty for feeling entitled to love.  That notion alone should have been a red flag:  of course I was entitled to love, and of course I was entitled to be happy.  Nobody should feel as if they don't deserve to be loved.
To say I was in a thankless relationship is an understatement.  I gave, and gave, and tried until I couldn't anymore.  I hated myself for sticking around.  I basically became an addict to the one thing that was destroying me the most.
I wasn't writing.  I wasn't doing anything to better myself.
Breaking up with him was like coming up for air after scuba diving.  I hadn't felt the weight of all I'd been dealing with until I felt the lack of it.  After time, days got better.  I laughed again.  I began to focus on myself, and my goals, and realized I needed to spend time alone to avoid putting myself through the hell I just had.
Still, I wanted some form of reassurance that I hadn't actually just wasted the better part of a year.  I needed the validation that he had, at one point, truly loved me the way I thought he had.  Had I really created the entire depth of the relationship?
Not only did I begin to hate him for treating me the way he had and blaming his actions on me being crazy, but I hated him for actually making me crazy.
I couldn't let go of the relationship because I needed closure, which I've now come to terms and realized I'll never get.  I don't know why I would have expected a mature and realistic conversation from someone who possesses neither of those attributes.
What I have realized, however, is the only people who can ever have power over you are the ones you allow to.  You can't create a relationship off of wishes and what if's:  a relationship is what it is at face value, and you can't waste time and energy fixing something broken beyond repair or trying to save someone who doesn't want to save themselves.
I'll never fully understand what drew me to this absolutely toxic individual, but I can't dwell on the pain anymore.  I know the only way I can actually move on and let go is by letting myself do so.
You can't erase the memories you shared with someone or the time you devoted to them, but you can absolutely learn from it.
So yes...
You'll always be my talk until the sun comes up on the beach.  You'll always have the part of me I gave you.  I'll never look at another sunrise, or the Mohegan Bluffs, or another mile of empty beach the same way again.  I don't think I can even look at Block Island the same way.  You'll always be the keeper of some of my secrets.
You'll also always be the reason I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep, wondering why I wasn't enough.  I'll never forget what it was like to fall so completely in love with another person that I was willing to (and did, in some cases) change my entire life for them.
Loving you made me weak in so many ways, but it also made me so much stronger.  Now I know what it feels like to be settled and happy for it, which is something I"ll carry with me forever.  Now, I finally know how to stand up for myself the right way.
I also finally know who just isn't worth the time.

So thanks, I guess.

You Can Bake Your Cake and Eat it Too: Why Every 20-something Female Should be Ashamed of Herself

If you participate in social media, I'm sure you've become acquainted with the viral post "23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged When You're 23." by Vanessa Elizabeth.  Vanessa's editorial urged readers in their young 20's to see the world and get to know themselves before rushing to settle down and get married.  It's abundantly clear Elizabeth is enjoying her time as a single girl, traveling the world and gaining new experiences, which she should be - her life sounds pretty awesome.  As with most opinion pieces, however, Vanessa's article has caused quit a stir among those who are- you guessed it, young and engaged (or married, which I presume is the end result of an engagement, unless you're a contestant on the Bachelor).  The rebuttal pieces (much like the one here) all maintain the same belief:  that being married or engaged won't hinder one's ability to live life and succeed as a person.

I've noticed a scary trend among all 20-something women:  the categorical division of girls who are single and those who are in serious relationships.  The "us" and "them" mentality is perpetuated by both parties, and it's actually ridiculous. Both sides reserve stereotypes and judgement about the other.  The single crowd automatically assumes girls who are married or engaged in their early to mid-twenties are boring and settling.  There's the assumption girls who have husbands and fiances must not also have careers or social lives.  On the inverse, there's the common stereotype of all single girls in their mid-twenties as being spinsters in the making who consume too much wine, imbibe in nights at the bars too frequently, and are too career focused to have a rewarding love life. Is each side relying on the stereotypes and put downs against the other to cover up latent jealousy, fearing the grass may be greener on the other side?  If this is the case, feminism everywhere just set itself back about 30 years.

It's 2014.  60 years ago, it might have been unheard of for a woman to be anything other than a housewife, but that's because society was  also still segregating schools and encouraging homosexuals to stay closeted.  We've come a long way since then, and the general idea in today's society is based on the notion you can become whatever you want to be without having to apologize for it, or compromise yourself in any manner.  Women should be supporting each other, not limiting one another and dividing themselves into a society of the haves and have nots (husbands, that is).  Instead, girls in their twenties are just trying to prove you cannot, in fact, have it all.

But why do we do this to one another?  Is it jealousy?  I'll admit this much:  if you had asked me ten years ago where I thought I would be at this point in my life, I would not have told you I envisioned myself being a single freelance writer.  I used to cringe every single time a new engagement or birth announcement popped up on any number of my social media feeds, and I lived in fear of getting my mail knowing there would be a Save the Date or Wedding Invitation awaiting me.  Yes, I was jealous of the girls who seemed to be getting everything I once thought I wanted, but I recently had a realization that put it all into perspective.

My generation has become a pioneering group in many aspects; we're a generation that hasn't necessarily followed the timeline or format of our parents.  Not all of us are graduating from college and receiving job offers immediately.  We're navigating society with new challenges, technology, and competition unforseen in the past.  Because of this, there is no precedent or social norm for any type of timeline anymore:  how can someone expect to be married with children by 28 if they only receive their first real job offer at 27?  On the other end of the spectrum, who is anyone to criticize the individuals who graduate from college and start full time jobs immediately, and are financially stable and settled enough to actually betroth by 24?  We've created an impossible double standard in our society; it's almost as if the women who aren't in serious relationships prematurely defend themselves by lashing out at those who are.

It is incredibly important for all women to support each other in every aspect of life and not immediately resort to discounting someone's good fortune as a defense mechanism.  By reassuring yourself the girl who just got engaged is now boring and must not have a fulfilling social or career life, you're ultimately perpetuating the idea that women can't be both career minded and family minded.  Very rarely do men face such scrutiny - I can not recall a time where males have sent group texts saying, "Did you hear Joe proposed?!  Kill me, right?  Well, whatever, he'll be missing out on Fantasy Football this year, so it sucks to be him."  Is this because society has long accepted the idea of being able to be a family man and a career man?  If that's the case, why are women limiting themselves by battling one another on the stance of their relationship?

Regardless of what your status is - you should be happy for your friends and all of their accomplishments and milestones in life while focusing on your own.  Everyone has their own individual set of goals, and instead of focusing on negating the great things that happen to others, instead, females should be working on being the best version of themselves they can be.

So no, I will no longer be participating in the scathing group texts when a sorority sister of mine gets engaged critiquing the ring and reassuring the other single girls that "they'll be divorced in five years anyway."  I'm going to enjoy the weddings and the open bars that are in my future.  If I meet someone, great, and if not, that's okay too.  I'm not going to put others down in an attempt to make myself feel better, because who the hell am I to tell someone their successes are limited to only one area of life?

God Damn it, Miley.

Alright, whatever.  I get it.  Miley's going through her first mid life crisis or something.  I would be on the verge of a mental breakdown too if I'd just lost my super hot Australian fiance and all of my hair.  Come to think of it, I was in a very similar situation a few years ago.  Well, I was in a situation that involved an Australian Jewish poker player getting sent back to Australia after not having the correct documents to get over the Canadian border, and my hair was a lot shorter and blonder, but still.  Potato, vodka.
I'm not trying to pretend that I totally GET Miley, because truthfully, I've never smoked salvia so I can't really relate.  There's also that entire "I'm not from a super rich white trash family and I was never a Disney child star" issue, but that's neither here nor there.
Basically, I understand needing to break out of your shell and shock people.  It must be so unbelievably tiring to be a multi million dollar franchise at the age of 20, especially when you've made your millions by being a pop star among the 11-15 year old set.  I was fine with all of Miley's ridiculous antics;  I could handle her creepy teddy bear fetish.  I was dealing with the foam finger.  I thought we were going to be fine.
And then she fucking did this:

Yup.  That's Miley with photographer/pedophile Terry Richardson.  You know, the guy who's famous for "not roofie-ing" young models/actresses and getting them to show him their tits on camera.  So anyway, she did a (shocker!) controversial photo shoot with him.  I thought it wouldn't be that offensive.  I mean...

Here she is practicing her kissing technique, presumably providing insight as to why the world's 9th hottest actor left her ass.  Fine, I can handle it.

Here she is impersonating a dragon.  Cool.  

This is Miley pretending to be a stoned 11 year old boy who got bored in math class and gave himself tattoos on his fingers with a Sharpie.  Whatever, I can dig it.

Now she's trying to be sexy, but all I can focus on is that monstrosity of a tattoo on her leg.  Oh well.  Not bad.

Oh, here she is trying to SHOCK AND AWE with a suggestively placed aluminum innuendo.  Snooze.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME MILEY?  ARIZONA GRAPEADE?!  ARNOLD PALMER OR GTFO.

I'm done with her.

Domesticity.

As an adult, I'm responsible for many things.  I can't think of them at the moment, but I'm sure I'll be reminded the next time my mother decides to call me and yell at me for failing to take responsibility for aforementioned ambiguous tasks.  I generally fuck up most adult tasks and call my mother in need of a bail out every 14 to 15 days or so, but there are a few areas of living on my own I think I've mastered.  For example, I can do my own laundry with minimal damage on my clothing.  For anything I'm unclear on in the clothes cleaning sector, I tend to mitigate my responsibilities to the local Asian family who takes great pride in their ability to dry clothes clean (a science I'll never understand.  I once spent hours with a blow dryer on a silk skirt in DIY dry cleaning attempt and I did not remove the semen stain.  On the bright side, I've been swallowing ever since).    My cleaning abilities are a solid 5 out of 10, which is a drastic improvement from what they were back when my mother physically used to clean my living space.  As you can probably tell, I'm essentially a domestic goddess, and if there's one area my stay at home prowess shines, it's in the kitchen.
I realize we live in a world of fatasses who rely on take out and Lean Cuisines, so I've decided to divulge a few of my favorite recipes.  These are perfect for the modern girl on the go (think Hannah Horvath - Lena Dunham's character in GIRLS - but hot, not fat, and with friends who don't fuck art dealers).  Here's some insight to the dishes I've been whipping up in la kitchen (that's Spanish for "the kitchen) as of late.

AVOCADO
Ingredients:  1 avocado (or more, if you're hungry)
Prep Time:  However long it takes to cut an avocado.  I don't know, I don't have a thorough grasp on everyone's motor skills.
Cook Time:  Nunca.
First, take a ripe avocado (you know they're ripe when they're slightly soft.  I think).
Find a sharp knife (preferably a short one.  These are a good investment in case you ever decide to channel Jodi Arias, or if you ever decide to get wine drunk, be dramatic, and tell your live in boyfriend you're going to slit your wrists if he doesn't buy you something), and cut the avocado in half all the way through.
Slice each half in several vertical columns.
At this point, you can either leave the skin on and just dive right in with a spoon, or if you're going for presentation, you can scoop the slices out of the spoon and put them on a plate.  Add salt if you haven't given a blowjob lately and received your daily dose of NaCl (or if you like salt).
Enjoy your avocado.
I like this recipe because it's so versatile.  You don't have to use an avocado, you can sub any other fruit that requires no cooking.  Basically, you slice up any vegetable you have lying around and lie to yourself about actually preparing a meal when in actuality you just pulled some cutting edge hunter gatherer shit.

ICED COFFEE
Ingredients:  Coffee
Prep Time:  This is complex.  You'll see.
Cook Time:  Stop that.
There are a few ways to tackle this, but you need to have faith in yourself.
Whichever route you decide to take, you need to start by procuring some HOT coffee.  There are a few ways to do so:  you can either use a Keurig to brew yourself a few cups of your favorite blend.  You can go to your local Starbucks and use the gift card you got for graduation and forgot about and buy about 6 ventis of the Pike Place roast, or you can be a fucking pilgrim and use your own coffee maker to make a pot.  Whatever you decide, once you have the hot coffee, you need to put it in a pitcher and refrigerate it until it's cool.
After you've poured the coffee into the pitcher, pour leftover coffee into an ice tray and let it turn into ice in the freezer.
Whenever everything is cold/frozen, remove the coffee-ice cubes and place in a glass.  Pour cold coffee over coffee-ice cubes, stick a straw in, and enjoy.
This recipe takes a lot of time, so I would recommend picking up an iced coffee to drink while you're waiting for your homemade iced coffee to be ready, just to hold you over.  Pumpkin is back!

GROWN UP GRAPE JUICE
Just get a bottle of red wine and drink the entire thing.  I find wine is a great appetite suppressant, and reds usually make you tired, so by the time you've finished the bottle, and Facebook stalking your ex, you'll be too exhausted to put something edible together.

Alright that's all I've got for now.  Happy eating/starving yourself.

FUCK YOU, KYLE SMITH.

I try to keep my musings and rants impersonal and light.  I don't like to tread on hot topics, and I've always done my part to NOT make this blog an atmosphere in which I shed light on personal vendettas.  That being said, I came across a New York Post article today that I can not ignore.
Kyle Smith, writer of the truly profound blog "Movies," a New York Post Entity, wrote an article cleverly titled "You Got Served!" in which he expressed his unfiltered, completely bias, and completely condescending opinions of people who work in the service industry.  Aside from eliminating all doubt that he is pompous, anti-American, and arrogant without reason, he wrote an entire article summing up what is wrong with our society today.
His article, which you can read here, expressed his disdain for waiters and waitresses in New York City.  He complained that restaurant patrons are "forced to make nice to these creepy ex-darlings of their high school theater departments because of the unspoken hostage drama that's taking place behind the scenes with...food," implicitly stating that if you don't treat your server with the slightest grain of respect, your food will be tampered with.
I don't know about you, but I grew up in a world where the golden rule was, "treat others how you would like to be treated," not, "treat others who are clearly inferior to you with a condescending 'respect' to ensure your food doesn't get tampered with."
As someone who works in the service industry, I deal with every type of idiot on the spectrum throughout the course of a shift.  As frustrating and rude as people can be, I have found that there is still some good in the world, and, the majority of the people I wait on are actually decent human beings with a basic understanding of social decorum.  I'm not here to bitch about the job that's paying my bills while I get a second degree, but I think it's only fair the rude, unfounded and offensive claims made by Mr. Smith are rebutted.
The overall tone of the article was hostile and sought justification for his behavior of the patron everyone in the service industry dreads of encountering.  He made no effort to act embarrassed or ashamed of the fact he only leaves an 11% tip, which is reason enough for concern as it is.
First of all, the tipping standard is 20%.  Servers are payed below minimum wage because it is common knowledge, on par with the color of the sky, that diners leave their waiter or waitress a tip that reflects the total of the bill.  Most servers have to tip out various other restaurant personnel, including the hostess, the bartenders, and the bus boys.  These tip outs are done on a percentage of the total sales of their shift; tipping 11% generally means the server is ACTUALLY getting 2% of the check, and when taxes are deducted from their already fecal paychecks, they are essentially PAYING FOR HIM to sit in their section because he is too much of a cheap, over critical prick to leave 20% of the check. For someone who claims to be a capitalist, I find it ironic he has no problem in allowing someone to essentially pay for him to dine out.
I think Mr. Smith intended his piece to be an edgy, satirical stance against over-zealous, over-friendly servers who pay their bills by turning tables and being attentive to their guests.  Guess what, Kyle?  You're a fucking dick.  Not only did you falsely assume every server is a struggling, up and coming performer, but you wrongfully asserted that we're all idiots.  I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with working in the service industry.  I'm not asking my parents for  hand outs, and I'm paying my own bills, and *gasp* I'm paying taxes, inherently contributing to society.  I'm unclear as to why people find it appropriate to condescend anyone for the manner in which they pay their bills.  I also can't fathom how someone could be so socially handicapped to not find an issue in writing a mass-produced article encouraging people to treat others disrespectfully.  His article bashed servers for having a sense of entitlement when it came to receiving tips at the end of the night, but in reality, he only described his own sense of outrageous entitlement.
He continued to compare dining in the US to dining in France (by the way, he spends TWO WHOLE WEEKS of each year there, so he's OBVIOUSLY an authority on all things French), which is absolutely ridiculous.  He commended servers in France who don't work for tips, which would be fine to do...if the economies of the US and France were similar.
Look, I understand Mr. Smith was trying to be funny while being a dick about people who actually work for their money, but I cannot appreciate him being rude and making unsupported assertions about the people in the service industry.  If he hates dining out in the US so much, he should just stay home.  There's no need for him to waste everyone's time and effort just so he can go home and complain about it.  It's not that fucking difficult to prepare meals at home, and coming from someone who claims to only be remotely polite to servers because he lives in fear of them fucking with his food, I don't think cooking his own meals would be an outrageous suggestion.
Or, maybe he could move to France, since they're obviously the only other country he's ever visited...and they're SO far superior to the United States anyway.
I hope somewhere in New York, Kyle Smith is getting mugged and beaten somewhere.  I'd consider it fair retribution for all of the negative, bad energy he seems to have no problem releasing into the world.
What a dick.

America is Just One Annoying Dinner Party

I hate politics, I hate groups of people, I hate public forum, I hate public opinion, and I hate mass hysteria.  The entire country has become a melting pot of everything I loathe as of late because of this little political event happening in November called the Presidential Election.

So fucking annoying.

Call me what you want, but I really hate America during election years.  It's too political, it's too serious, it's too confusing.  "But Alex, the right to vote is one of the greatest rights we have as Americans!" you say.  Yes, I know.  It's right up there with the right to own a gun and marry whoever we want.  Wait.

I hate the presidential race because it brings the idiot out in everyone.  First of all, I'd be very impressed if any of the assholes I haven't defriended from Facebook who keep littering my newsfeed with their political agenda could tell me their candidates' stance on five major issues in this upcoming election.  On second thought, I'd be impressed if any of said morons could tell me what five major issues in this upcoming election are.

I had the pleasure of being a student at IU during the 2008 elections.  By pleasure, I mean I wanted to stab my fucking eyes out listening to everyone ramble on about the reasons McCain should be the next president or why they were voting for Obama.  I know college is an institution of higher learning, but college students are fucking idiots.  If I heard one more person say they were voting for Obama because, "McCain is so old he'll probably die while he's in office," I swore I was going to fucking knife a bitch.  Seriously?!  THAT'S THE MAIN FUCKING REASON YOU'RE ELECTING AN INDIVIDUAL TO LEAD YOUR COUNTRY?!  Since when are you the fucking timekeeper of everyone's life span?  OF ALL OF THE POSSIBLE ANSWERS YOU COULD HAVE PICKED, YOU CHOSE THE AGE OF THE CANDIDATE AS THE BASIS OF YOUR VOTE.

Think about it.

I think it's pretty great that we have the right to choose our leaders.  I think America is kick ass.  I'm proud to live in a country that people die trying to move to because they know that a better life awaits here. Do I think America's perfect?  No, because I live within a day's driving distance from a family that has become a national sensation due to the fact they call their youngest daughter "Honey Boo Boo."  But, do I have enough faith and pride in the US of A that I plan to keep living here?  Yes.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't give a fuck who you're voting for, as long as you actually know why you're voting for the candidate.  Do you understand what this means?  Read.  Check MULTIPLE news sources.  Figure out where you are in your life, and which policies align themselves with a country that would most benefit you.  Figure out which proposed policies and changes are actually realistic.  DO NOT vote for a candidate because you think his wife is hot or because your favorite rap star said so.  DO NOT vote for a candidate "just because."

I truly think that every time an uninformed voter steps into a polling booth and treats the voting ballot as if it's an iPad game, one of our founding fathers rolls over in his grave.  I'm fairly certain that a nation where a candidate can win an election if he or she is endorsed by Russel Brand is hardly the nation the gentlemen who put their lives on the line to sign the Declaration of Independence envisioned.

That being said, I will honestly slap anyone who tries to talk about politics with me in the face.  I don't give a shit what your asinine reasons are, but I truly do hope that everyone who gets their news about the election from Internet memes marks their calendars wrong on election day.  I hate my generation for so many reasons, but I think one of the main ones is people who suddenly become politically savvy three months before an election.

I don't give a fuck who you vote for, as long as you know what they stand for, how that will effect you, and whether or not you have evaluated the candidates' plan of action and it's plausibility.

With that, I would like to leave you with this:

Let's Play a Game. It's Called "Just the Tip."

I'm almost completely convinced that less than 3% of the general population should be allowed out in public on a daily basis.  I have zero faith in humanity.  I find people stupid, tactless, and completely oblivious to social cues.  That being said, I would like to address a common custom and the etiquette involved in it:  dining out at restaurants.  As members of the most obese country on the planet, many Americans are accustomed to being able to drive a meager ten or fifteen minutes and find themselves with a plethora of dining options.  While many people are accustomed to the practice of sitting in a vinyl booth (that some small child has probably thrown up in at one point or another) and guzzling down unlimited amounts of syrupy carbonation (free refills are basically an IV of diabetes, by the way), few people are well acquainted with the other end of the procedure:  tipping your server.  Because I'm the eternal optimist, I've decided to assume that most people simply don't know better, which is why cheap ass clowns continue to bestow their hard working server with a meager, insulting pittance at the end of their meal.  I would like to state, for the record, that it is no longer 1994.  We have a black president, people freak out over gay chickens, or something, and the tipping standard is no longer 10%.  It's 20%.  Do you know what that means?  Take the total on the bottom of your bill, pull out your fucking smart phone that you've been busy using to post stupid fucking food pictures on InstaGram with, and multiply that total by .2.  See that number you come up with?  Put that as the tip on the credit card slip.  It's not fucking rocket science.

Some people think that the tip is negotiable.  It's not.  Servers pay taxes on each table they wait on.  They also tip out other restaurant employees, such as bussers and bartenders.  By not leaving a tip, you've essentially allowed your server to pay for you to go out to eat, which is actually the fucking rudest.  I don't give a shit whether or not you can afford to leave 20%.  There's a simple solution to that:  don't go out to eat if you can't afford to tip.

Because this article is probably not enough to crack the glacial iceberg that is the world of evil cheapskates, I've decided to assist all of you with a basic FAQ on the matter.

Q:  I just got my bill.  I got exactly what I ordered, and the service was satisfactory.  What should I tip?
A:  20%.

Q:  I got exactly what I ordered, but I didn't like my food.  I didn't say anything to my server, but I feel like she should have known by the way I wasn't interacting with her.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%.

Q:  I got my food, and I didn't like it.  My server was attentive, and offered me something else, which I declined.  My server took my dish off the bill.  How much should I tip?
A:  20% of the original bill.

Q:  I ordered a soda, and drained the glass by the time my server had finished getting my tables food order.  It took her like 3 minutes to get me another, and then I drank that within about 45 seconds.  My refills took anywhere from 3-7 minutes each. I  have no idea how my server could be so rude as to not know that I absolutely cannot eat my dinner without drinking a minimum of 12 Cokes before my meal.  What should I tip?
A:  20%, and just so you know, you probably consumed about 4896083409682 calories during your meal.

Q:  I'm old.  How much should I tip?
A:  Listen up before your senile ass forgets:  20%.  Enjoy your remaining years.

Q:  My server was pleasant enough to us, but she seems like she's kind of a bitch in real life.  How much should I tip?
A:  I'm sure you're just a ray of fucking sunshine yourself.  25%, because you're probably a real dick.

Q:  I continued making condescending remarks to my server all night, and have been nit-picking the service, searching for reasons to leave a shitty tip.  How much should I leave?
A:  20%, minimum, and I hope somebody slipped rat poison in your ketchup.

Q:  I went out to eat without calling ahead on a Friday night, and am very disgruntled to learn that the popular restaurant I chose is asking me to wait up to 25 minutes for a table!  I'm very angry, because I clearly have an undeserved sense of entitlement.  My server did a great job, but she didn't do anything to accommodate for the fact that I had to wait for my table, just like all of the other patrons.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%.

Q:  I took my four young children out to eat.  How much should I tip?
A:  20% + $5 per child.  For example:  A $100.00 bill without children should be a $20.00 tip.  With four children, your total tip equals:  $20 + (5+5+5+5) = $40.00.  And tell your fucking rugrats to stop grinding up crayons and leaving them on the table.

Q:  I got my table at 7:00, but I need to make it to a movie at 8:00.  I told my server I was in a huge hurry, and then proceeded to take 15 minutes to decide on my entree.  I asked my server for recommendations on food that could be prepared quickly, and I completely ignored their advice and chose a well done steak.  The steak took about 25 minutes to cook, and now I am going to be late for my movie.  How much should I tip?
A:  Are you fucking serious?  25%, and an extra 5% for your trouble because I'm sure you're the kind of person who physically taps your server on the shoulder while he or she is taking care of another table.

Q:  I ordered an appetizer, salad, and an entree.  My chain hangs low and I've consumed about a million and a half non-alcoholic, non-carbonated flavored beverages with little to no ice before my appetizer arrived.  I clearly have no grasp on table decorum and have asked my server multiple times "Where my food at?" because s/he had the nerve to bring my appetizer and salads (with extra ranch) before I have even received my main course.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%, at least, and then another 30% in reparations for all of your cheap ass friends that are "ballin' on a budget" and run my ass around the restaurant, only to stiff me.

Q:  I was only planning on spending $80.00 on dinner, but I've somehow racked up a tab of $85.00.  How much should I tip?  I'm so broke right now!
A:  $18.00, which would be 20%.  Tipping is part of the deal.  You wouldn't go to a store and try to bargain down the price of a pair of shoes because you couldn't afford them, would you?  You would opt for the more affordable option.  The same goes for dining out:  get what you can afford, WITH the 20% tip accounted for.  And go find Suze Orman you piece of shit.

Q:  I went out to eat with a large group of friends.  We moved our seats around, and requested an impossibly difficult separation of checks.  I was a little put off when I vaguely waved my hand around the table and informed my server that I would be paying for my own appetizer, Jessica's first drink, Kayla's second, and half of Robert's dessert, only to receive a blank stare from my server.  My server clearly hadn't taken the time to learn all of our first names.  I find this absolutely inconceivable because that's her job, regardless of the fact that I couldn't be bothered to listen when she introduced herself multiple times, and resorted to snapping at her and calling her "Hey, you" all evening.  How much should I tip?
A:  40%, I hate you, and it's not Diet Coke if you've drank 16 of them.

Q:  I'm a redneck.  I have three teeth, and I'm unclear as to why everyone is looking at me funny when I've removed my shoes at the dinner table.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%, and pass the news along to your brother-uncle.

Q:  My bill was $11.37, and I gave my server a $100 bill to cover the check.  She informed me she would be back with my change.  I'm so puzzled as to how she doesn't have that much cash on her right now; it's 12:03 and the restaurant opened at 11:30.  It took her almost 4 minutes to give me the proper change back. I'm so irritated that she wasn't able to act as a human ATM and automatically dispense $88.63.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%, and you're an asshole.  Are you a rap star, a drug dealer, or just a douche bag?  If you're saying no to all of those, you have no reason to bring a hundred dollar bill with you to a lunch date.

Q:  I was very rude throughout my meal, but everything was satisfactory.  I have now presented my black AMEX card to my server.  How much should I tip?
A:  30%.  You have an AMEX, and I'm a college student trying to support a drug habit.  Pay it forward.

Q:  I just grabbed my server's ass because I'm an inebriated buffoon.  How much should I tip?
A:  200%, regardless of the fact that you just got slapped in the face.

Q:  I'm planning on leaving my phone number on the check, because I find my server attractive.  How much should I tip?
A:  40%.

Q:  I'm foreign, how much should I tip?
A:  20%.

Unless you've retained all of this information and are ready to apply it in real world terms, don't ever sit in my section.