Let's Play a Game. It's Called "Just the Tip."

I'm almost completely convinced that less than 3% of the general population should be allowed out in public on a daily basis.  I have zero faith in humanity.  I find people stupid, tactless, and completely oblivious to social cues.  That being said, I would like to address a common custom and the etiquette involved in it:  dining out at restaurants.  As members of the most obese country on the planet, many Americans are accustomed to being able to drive a meager ten or fifteen minutes and find themselves with a plethora of dining options.  While many people are accustomed to the practice of sitting in a vinyl booth (that some small child has probably thrown up in at one point or another) and guzzling down unlimited amounts of syrupy carbonation (free refills are basically an IV of diabetes, by the way), few people are well acquainted with the other end of the procedure:  tipping your server.  Because I'm the eternal optimist, I've decided to assume that most people simply don't know better, which is why cheap ass clowns continue to bestow their hard working server with a meager, insulting pittance at the end of their meal.  I would like to state, for the record, that it is no longer 1994.  We have a black president, people freak out over gay chickens, or something, and the tipping standard is no longer 10%.  It's 20%.  Do you know what that means?  Take the total on the bottom of your bill, pull out your fucking smart phone that you've been busy using to post stupid fucking food pictures on InstaGram with, and multiply that total by .2.  See that number you come up with?  Put that as the tip on the credit card slip.  It's not fucking rocket science.

Some people think that the tip is negotiable.  It's not.  Servers pay taxes on each table they wait on.  They also tip out other restaurant employees, such as bussers and bartenders.  By not leaving a tip, you've essentially allowed your server to pay for you to go out to eat, which is actually the fucking rudest.  I don't give a shit whether or not you can afford to leave 20%.  There's a simple solution to that:  don't go out to eat if you can't afford to tip.

Because this article is probably not enough to crack the glacial iceberg that is the world of evil cheapskates, I've decided to assist all of you with a basic FAQ on the matter.

Q:  I just got my bill.  I got exactly what I ordered, and the service was satisfactory.  What should I tip?
A:  20%.

Q:  I got exactly what I ordered, but I didn't like my food.  I didn't say anything to my server, but I feel like she should have known by the way I wasn't interacting with her.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%.

Q:  I got my food, and I didn't like it.  My server was attentive, and offered me something else, which I declined.  My server took my dish off the bill.  How much should I tip?
A:  20% of the original bill.

Q:  I ordered a soda, and drained the glass by the time my server had finished getting my tables food order.  It took her like 3 minutes to get me another, and then I drank that within about 45 seconds.  My refills took anywhere from 3-7 minutes each. I  have no idea how my server could be so rude as to not know that I absolutely cannot eat my dinner without drinking a minimum of 12 Cokes before my meal.  What should I tip?
A:  20%, and just so you know, you probably consumed about 4896083409682 calories during your meal.

Q:  I'm old.  How much should I tip?
A:  Listen up before your senile ass forgets:  20%.  Enjoy your remaining years.

Q:  My server was pleasant enough to us, but she seems like she's kind of a bitch in real life.  How much should I tip?
A:  I'm sure you're just a ray of fucking sunshine yourself.  25%, because you're probably a real dick.

Q:  I continued making condescending remarks to my server all night, and have been nit-picking the service, searching for reasons to leave a shitty tip.  How much should I leave?
A:  20%, minimum, and I hope somebody slipped rat poison in your ketchup.

Q:  I went out to eat without calling ahead on a Friday night, and am very disgruntled to learn that the popular restaurant I chose is asking me to wait up to 25 minutes for a table!  I'm very angry, because I clearly have an undeserved sense of entitlement.  My server did a great job, but she didn't do anything to accommodate for the fact that I had to wait for my table, just like all of the other patrons.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%.

Q:  I took my four young children out to eat.  How much should I tip?
A:  20% + $5 per child.  For example:  A $100.00 bill without children should be a $20.00 tip.  With four children, your total tip equals:  $20 + (5+5+5+5) = $40.00.  And tell your fucking rugrats to stop grinding up crayons and leaving them on the table.

Q:  I got my table at 7:00, but I need to make it to a movie at 8:00.  I told my server I was in a huge hurry, and then proceeded to take 15 minutes to decide on my entree.  I asked my server for recommendations on food that could be prepared quickly, and I completely ignored their advice and chose a well done steak.  The steak took about 25 minutes to cook, and now I am going to be late for my movie.  How much should I tip?
A:  Are you fucking serious?  25%, and an extra 5% for your trouble because I'm sure you're the kind of person who physically taps your server on the shoulder while he or she is taking care of another table.

Q:  I ordered an appetizer, salad, and an entree.  My chain hangs low and I've consumed about a million and a half non-alcoholic, non-carbonated flavored beverages with little to no ice before my appetizer arrived.  I clearly have no grasp on table decorum and have asked my server multiple times "Where my food at?" because s/he had the nerve to bring my appetizer and salads (with extra ranch) before I have even received my main course.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%, at least, and then another 30% in reparations for all of your cheap ass friends that are "ballin' on a budget" and run my ass around the restaurant, only to stiff me.

Q:  I was only planning on spending $80.00 on dinner, but I've somehow racked up a tab of $85.00.  How much should I tip?  I'm so broke right now!
A:  $18.00, which would be 20%.  Tipping is part of the deal.  You wouldn't go to a store and try to bargain down the price of a pair of shoes because you couldn't afford them, would you?  You would opt for the more affordable option.  The same goes for dining out:  get what you can afford, WITH the 20% tip accounted for.  And go find Suze Orman you piece of shit.

Q:  I went out to eat with a large group of friends.  We moved our seats around, and requested an impossibly difficult separation of checks.  I was a little put off when I vaguely waved my hand around the table and informed my server that I would be paying for my own appetizer, Jessica's first drink, Kayla's second, and half of Robert's dessert, only to receive a blank stare from my server.  My server clearly hadn't taken the time to learn all of our first names.  I find this absolutely inconceivable because that's her job, regardless of the fact that I couldn't be bothered to listen when she introduced herself multiple times, and resorted to snapping at her and calling her "Hey, you" all evening.  How much should I tip?
A:  40%, I hate you, and it's not Diet Coke if you've drank 16 of them.

Q:  I'm a redneck.  I have three teeth, and I'm unclear as to why everyone is looking at me funny when I've removed my shoes at the dinner table.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%, and pass the news along to your brother-uncle.

Q:  My bill was $11.37, and I gave my server a $100 bill to cover the check.  She informed me she would be back with my change.  I'm so puzzled as to how she doesn't have that much cash on her right now; it's 12:03 and the restaurant opened at 11:30.  It took her almost 4 minutes to give me the proper change back. I'm so irritated that she wasn't able to act as a human ATM and automatically dispense $88.63.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%, and you're an asshole.  Are you a rap star, a drug dealer, or just a douche bag?  If you're saying no to all of those, you have no reason to bring a hundred dollar bill with you to a lunch date.

Q:  I was very rude throughout my meal, but everything was satisfactory.  I have now presented my black AMEX card to my server.  How much should I tip?
A:  30%.  You have an AMEX, and I'm a college student trying to support a drug habit.  Pay it forward.

Q:  I just grabbed my server's ass because I'm an inebriated buffoon.  How much should I tip?
A:  200%, regardless of the fact that you just got slapped in the face.

Q:  I'm planning on leaving my phone number on the check, because I find my server attractive.  How much should I tip?
A:  40%.

Q:  I'm foreign, how much should I tip?
A:  20%.

Unless you've retained all of this information and are ready to apply it in real world terms, don't ever sit in my section.