I fucking hate the holidays.
I know, shocker, right? Who would have ever guessed I hate a time of year dedicated to being merry & bright? I do, however, strongly support the holiday Festivus (For the rest of us). It all began on Seinfeld, and basically, there is no Christmas tree or gift giving, but there is a non-decorated Festivus pole and an airing of grievances. Sign. Me. Up.
However, before I black myself out of 2011 and into 2k12, I'd like to air a few grievances I have with the world.
1. Elf on a Shelf.
Okay, "what the fuck is this noise?" you may ask. Question answered: it's a doll of the elf variety that over-achieving mothers put in their homes around Christmas time. The elf supposedly watches the children of the house and reports back to Santa. The idea is basically the elf can parent your children for a month. First of all, Santa's getting lazy if you ask me. What the hell happened to him being the all-knowing power? Now he has elves do his bidding? Weak sauce, Fat Man. Second of all, why the hell would any parent go to that much work to not discipline their children? Apparently, the elf is supposed to move locations and wreak havoc on the home. Um, no thanks. If I ever reproduce (which I'm not planning on, because I'm a responsible person who cares about the future of our society), there is no chance in hell I will support any of this elf nonsense. There will be no further shenanigans when it comes to this holiday. There's already enough accessories; there's a tree, and stockings, and people expect you to put up lights too. Why do people insist on making terrible seasons worse than they already are? If I ever have children, they will get their presents and shut up. I refuse to move an elf around my home. My mother never did any of these things with me, and I'm perfectly well-adjusted.
2. Smirnoff.
Okay, it's no secret, Smirnoff Vodka is the World's Best Tasting Vodka (for people who typically drink gasoline or have no taste buds). It's also very evident they're way behind on the desert-flavored vodka trend. Oh, just now you're deciding to make whipped cream flavored vodka? Call up Pinnacle and Three Olives and ask if you can borrow your notes from the past two years. I would be very content to ignore their blatant disregard for punctuality if it hadn't been for their new advertising campaign and choice of spokesperson. Amber Rose? Seriously? Who knows what Amber Rose is famous for? If you guessed "banging Kanye West" you are correct! Oh, good to know that all you have to do to become the face of a vodka brand is get penetrated by an egotistical black man with a drinking problem. Get in line, sister. Who the hell assigned her any credibility? Also, have you seen the commercials? Not only are they terrible, but she speaks like she has down syndrome and is in the middle of having a stroke. I really find it offensive when people over-enunciate their consonants; it generally makes me feel like I'm watching Teen Mom (which I do, but only Tuesday nights at 10). Has everyone forgotten the art of reading out loud? Did everyone else in this country miss the first fucking grade? Also, the tag line is "Because Vodka Never Felt This Good." I disagree. NOTHING ABOUT SMIRNOFF FEELS GOOD. I have a very specific criteria I enforce while deciding on my libations, the general guideline being that if you have to bend over to pick it up off the shelf, you'll be bending over to throw it up at some point over the night. I'm going to ignore any sexual innuendo attempts by Smirnoff in replacing "tasted" with "felt" and continue to elaborate on how there is no activity you can do with a bottle of Smirnoff that will feel good. The last time I drank Smirnoff, I was in Vegas, and if I recall correctly, I couldn't feel a thing after that, so who knows if what went down was good or blatantly mediocre. Who. The hell knows. Furthermore, I've been campaigning for the past three years of my life to be sponsored by Three Olives. As in, I would like for them to send me free vodka and support my already expensive drinking habits. Why do people that suck at life keep getting the things I want?
3. The Holiday Season.
What the fuck is it about Jesus's birthday that causes everyone to turn into maniacs? Everyone within a four mile radius of any shopping plaza is rude. Nobody's happy about spending a ton of money on people you're forced to see. I hate forced interaction, and the holidays are a breeding ground for it. Oh, yay, let's all get together and stand around with people we don't like in the spirit of Christmas. The only type of holiday spirit I can ever get down with comes in a frosted bottle, and its name is Three Olives. If there was any way to skip this entire Christmas ordeal and go right to New Years, I'm all for it. Also, I really wish Starbucks would stop pushing it's peppermint agenda down everyone's throats.
Oh, and if anyone else gets engaged over the next two weeks, I'm going to throw up.
Happy holidays you ass clowns!
