I fucking hate the holidays.
I know, shocker, right? Who would have ever guessed I hate a time of year dedicated to being merry & bright? I do, however, strongly support the holiday Festivus (For the rest of us). It all began on Seinfeld, and basically, there is no Christmas tree or gift giving, but there is a non-decorated Festivus pole and an airing of grievances. Sign. Me. Up.
However, before I black myself out of 2011 and into 2k12, I'd like to air a few grievances I have with the world.
1. Elf on a Shelf.
Okay, "what the fuck is this noise?" you may ask. Question answered: it's a doll of the elf variety that over-achieving mothers put in their homes around Christmas time. The elf supposedly watches the children of the house and reports back to Santa. The idea is basically the elf can parent your children for a month. First of all, Santa's getting lazy if you ask me. What the hell happened to him being the all-knowing power? Now he has elves do his bidding? Weak sauce, Fat Man. Second of all, why the hell would any parent go to that much work to not discipline their children? Apparently, the elf is supposed to move locations and wreak havoc on the home. Um, no thanks. If I ever reproduce (which I'm not planning on, because I'm a responsible person who cares about the future of our society), there is no chance in hell I will support any of this elf nonsense. There will be no further shenanigans when it comes to this holiday. There's already enough accessories; there's a tree, and stockings, and people expect you to put up lights too. Why do people insist on making terrible seasons worse than they already are? If I ever have children, they will get their presents and shut up. I refuse to move an elf around my home. My mother never did any of these things with me, and I'm perfectly well-adjusted.
2. Smirnoff.
Okay, it's no secret, Smirnoff Vodka is the World's Best Tasting Vodka (for people who typically drink gasoline or have no taste buds). It's also very evident they're way behind on the desert-flavored vodka trend. Oh, just now you're deciding to make whipped cream flavored vodka? Call up Pinnacle and Three Olives and ask if you can borrow your notes from the past two years. I would be very content to ignore their blatant disregard for punctuality if it hadn't been for their new advertising campaign and choice of spokesperson. Amber Rose? Seriously? Who knows what Amber Rose is famous for? If you guessed "banging Kanye West" you are correct! Oh, good to know that all you have to do to become the face of a vodka brand is get penetrated by an egotistical black man with a drinking problem. Get in line, sister. Who the hell assigned her any credibility? Also, have you seen the commercials? Not only are they terrible, but she speaks like she has down syndrome and is in the middle of having a stroke. I really find it offensive when people over-enunciate their consonants; it generally makes me feel like I'm watching Teen Mom (which I do, but only Tuesday nights at 10). Has everyone forgotten the art of reading out loud? Did everyone else in this country miss the first fucking grade? Also, the tag line is "Because Vodka Never Felt This Good." I disagree. NOTHING ABOUT SMIRNOFF FEELS GOOD. I have a very specific criteria I enforce while deciding on my libations, the general guideline being that if you have to bend over to pick it up off the shelf, you'll be bending over to throw it up at some point over the night. I'm going to ignore any sexual innuendo attempts by Smirnoff in replacing "tasted" with "felt" and continue to elaborate on how there is no activity you can do with a bottle of Smirnoff that will feel good. The last time I drank Smirnoff, I was in Vegas, and if I recall correctly, I couldn't feel a thing after that, so who knows if what went down was good or blatantly mediocre. Who. The hell knows. Furthermore, I've been campaigning for the past three years of my life to be sponsored by Three Olives. As in, I would like for them to send me free vodka and support my already expensive drinking habits. Why do people that suck at life keep getting the things I want?
3. The Holiday Season.
What the fuck is it about Jesus's birthday that causes everyone to turn into maniacs? Everyone within a four mile radius of any shopping plaza is rude. Nobody's happy about spending a ton of money on people you're forced to see. I hate forced interaction, and the holidays are a breeding ground for it. Oh, yay, let's all get together and stand around with people we don't like in the spirit of Christmas. The only type of holiday spirit I can ever get down with comes in a frosted bottle, and its name is Three Olives. If there was any way to skip this entire Christmas ordeal and go right to New Years, I'm all for it. Also, I really wish Starbucks would stop pushing it's peppermint agenda down everyone's throats.
Oh, and if anyone else gets engaged over the next two weeks, I'm going to throw up.
Happy holidays you ass clowns!
Showing posts with label gross. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gross. Show all posts
Monday, December 19, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Once You Put a Ring on it, Kindly Put a Muzzle on It Too.
I'd just like to make a PSA to anyone under the age of 25, on behalf of the better educated portion of America:
STOP FUCKING GETTING ENGAGED.
I may have a bit of a bias on this subject matter, because apparently, I'm the person you date before you date the person you're going to marry. Translation: I'm 3/3 in the game of ex-boyfriends who are now engaged to some foolish bitch. How do I know these girls are foolish bitches? Um, duh, because they're engaged to one of my ex-boyfriends, who are my ex's for a reason, and why any female would sign the next minimum of 3 years of their lives away to these buffoons escapes me.
I'm not against marriage, per say. I am all for throwing a fucking rager of a wedding. I TiVO "Say Yes to the Dress". However, I've had enough experience in my 22 years of life to know that marriage is definitely a flawed institution. Let's be real here, the divorce rate isn't around 50% for a reason, and I'll never fully believe in something that this great nation of ours limits to a certain portion of the population (okay, my one civil rights push, sorry, I had to)...if it's so great, why not let everyone in on it? And who the hell is Michele Bachmann or any other fundamentalist zealot to determine who can and can not wed (okay, another, sorry, this is an issue I'm really passionate about). I digress.
Things that annoy me about young engagements:
1. The majority of the people I know that are engaged and in my age group are engaged to the one and only significant other they've ever had. How the hell do you know someone's your soul mate when you don't have anything to compare it to? That's akin to believing vanilla ice cream is your favorite flavor when you've never tried anything else, such as Cherry Garcia (it's like crack, I swear). No wonder people find themselves in an unhappy marriage down the line; all the fun of planning a wedding, producing spawn, etc, are over, and then you're finally left realizing that this relationship you have is as good as it's going to get. After all the dust settles, you wonder if this is really how your life was supposed to wind up, if being 30 and a mother of 3 is really all fate had in store. No wonder people are unhappy.
2. Facebook is now a means of announcing your "big news." Okay what the fuck? I understand our daily lives have been subsidized by technology and social networking media, but if you didn't have the decency to at least personally notify people instead of updating your relationship status to "engaged" the minute you slip a ring on your finger, I'm judging you and the success of your relationship. My prediction? It won't be.
3. Nobody has the funds to purchase a ring worth mentioning right out of college. Or while still in college, for that matter. I'm sorry, but if anyone tried to pop the question with a sub-standard ring, I'd say no. This is the single most important piece of jewelry you'll ever wear, why the hell should it be anything less than perfect? The most popular response this statement receives are "you're materialistic (duh)" and "well, that's all they could afford right now." My rebuttal? Ex-fucking-actly. WAIT. Save up until you can get a bigger ring. If you're meant to be together, you will still be together a couple years down the road. What's the fucking hurry to dash down the aisle? Which brings me to my next grievance...
4. Nobody loves a shotgun wedding. I swear to fucking god, if I find myself at another backyard wedding without open bar, I'm going to lose it. Oh, that's all you cold afford for the time being? Please re-visit aggravation #3.
5. What the hell is wrong with your life that you're so desperate to end it before you've even made it to a quarter of a century? Are you really planning on such a short life that getting married at 23 is the only option? What the hell is there to look forward to in your years to come?
And for those who choose to ignore my feelings on the matter (which you shouldn't, because anyone with a brain will agree with me on them), at least be courteous and post lots of close up pictures from every angle of your engagement ring. I'm pretty sure there's a formula based on the cut, clarity, color and carat of the diamond in relation to how long the relationship will last. Oh there isn't, you say? I jest not, such guidelines exist. The formula is along these lines:
The bigger the rock, the better the relationship.
Material things are a great way of showing people you care. If you're like me, and incapable of expressing emotions other than anger (unless I'm completely inebriated, in which case, I don't mean it anyway), presents are a great way of telling someone you like them. I don't like retarded gestures of intimacy, and I hate PDAs, but I am an excellent gift giver. The only people who maintain the idea that money can't buy happiness and looks don't matter are the ugly and poor ones. I like to think that the size of the diamond on the engagement ring is a gauge of how much the suitor values his beloved. If I don't receive a ring that is worth as much as, if not more than, my fiance's car, I'm only going to think he values his own means of transportation more than he values having me in his life. Let's face it, nobody drives a car until they die (unless they are killed in a car accident). Not trying to be morbid, just being honest.
And even if the relationship heads south, I know for a fact diamonds have great resale value, AND, it's super easy to dismount your engagement ring diamond and turn it into a necklace or something. Or to sell it and buy a car.
Either way, I'm so over people expressing their nauseating love for one another when they don't have the slightest clue what love is, and I'm even more over people not showing off their "bling" immediately so I can form a complete opinion on the situation.
My advice? If you like it, don't put a ring on. Wait until you can't live without it, and have the funds to prove it.
STOP FUCKING GETTING ENGAGED.
I may have a bit of a bias on this subject matter, because apparently, I'm the person you date before you date the person you're going to marry. Translation: I'm 3/3 in the game of ex-boyfriends who are now engaged to some foolish bitch. How do I know these girls are foolish bitches? Um, duh, because they're engaged to one of my ex-boyfriends, who are my ex's for a reason, and why any female would sign the next minimum of 3 years of their lives away to these buffoons escapes me.
I'm not against marriage, per say. I am all for throwing a fucking rager of a wedding. I TiVO "Say Yes to the Dress". However, I've had enough experience in my 22 years of life to know that marriage is definitely a flawed institution. Let's be real here, the divorce rate isn't around 50% for a reason, and I'll never fully believe in something that this great nation of ours limits to a certain portion of the population (okay, my one civil rights push, sorry, I had to)...if it's so great, why not let everyone in on it? And who the hell is Michele Bachmann or any other fundamentalist zealot to determine who can and can not wed (okay, another, sorry, this is an issue I'm really passionate about). I digress.
Things that annoy me about young engagements:
1. The majority of the people I know that are engaged and in my age group are engaged to the one and only significant other they've ever had. How the hell do you know someone's your soul mate when you don't have anything to compare it to? That's akin to believing vanilla ice cream is your favorite flavor when you've never tried anything else, such as Cherry Garcia (it's like crack, I swear). No wonder people find themselves in an unhappy marriage down the line; all the fun of planning a wedding, producing spawn, etc, are over, and then you're finally left realizing that this relationship you have is as good as it's going to get. After all the dust settles, you wonder if this is really how your life was supposed to wind up, if being 30 and a mother of 3 is really all fate had in store. No wonder people are unhappy.
2. Facebook is now a means of announcing your "big news." Okay what the fuck? I understand our daily lives have been subsidized by technology and social networking media, but if you didn't have the decency to at least personally notify people instead of updating your relationship status to "engaged" the minute you slip a ring on your finger, I'm judging you and the success of your relationship. My prediction? It won't be.
3. Nobody has the funds to purchase a ring worth mentioning right out of college. Or while still in college, for that matter. I'm sorry, but if anyone tried to pop the question with a sub-standard ring, I'd say no. This is the single most important piece of jewelry you'll ever wear, why the hell should it be anything less than perfect? The most popular response this statement receives are "you're materialistic (duh)" and "well, that's all they could afford right now." My rebuttal? Ex-fucking-actly. WAIT. Save up until you can get a bigger ring. If you're meant to be together, you will still be together a couple years down the road. What's the fucking hurry to dash down the aisle? Which brings me to my next grievance...
4. Nobody loves a shotgun wedding. I swear to fucking god, if I find myself at another backyard wedding without open bar, I'm going to lose it. Oh, that's all you cold afford for the time being? Please re-visit aggravation #3.
5. What the hell is wrong with your life that you're so desperate to end it before you've even made it to a quarter of a century? Are you really planning on such a short life that getting married at 23 is the only option? What the hell is there to look forward to in your years to come?
And for those who choose to ignore my feelings on the matter (which you shouldn't, because anyone with a brain will agree with me on them), at least be courteous and post lots of close up pictures from every angle of your engagement ring. I'm pretty sure there's a formula based on the cut, clarity, color and carat of the diamond in relation to how long the relationship will last. Oh there isn't, you say? I jest not, such guidelines exist. The formula is along these lines:
The bigger the rock, the better the relationship.
Material things are a great way of showing people you care. If you're like me, and incapable of expressing emotions other than anger (unless I'm completely inebriated, in which case, I don't mean it anyway), presents are a great way of telling someone you like them. I don't like retarded gestures of intimacy, and I hate PDAs, but I am an excellent gift giver. The only people who maintain the idea that money can't buy happiness and looks don't matter are the ugly and poor ones. I like to think that the size of the diamond on the engagement ring is a gauge of how much the suitor values his beloved. If I don't receive a ring that is worth as much as, if not more than, my fiance's car, I'm only going to think he values his own means of transportation more than he values having me in his life. Let's face it, nobody drives a car until they die (unless they are killed in a car accident). Not trying to be morbid, just being honest.
And even if the relationship heads south, I know for a fact diamonds have great resale value, AND, it's super easy to dismount your engagement ring diamond and turn it into a necklace or something. Or to sell it and buy a car.
Either way, I'm so over people expressing their nauseating love for one another when they don't have the slightest clue what love is, and I'm even more over people not showing off their "bling" immediately so I can form a complete opinion on the situation.
My advice? If you like it, don't put a ring on. Wait until you can't live without it, and have the funds to prove it.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Let's Call a Spade a Spade Here People...
For those of you who live under a rock, or have morals, and haven't indulged in the greatest display of idiocracy on television, I would like to introduce you to Toddler's and Tiaras. It's a fantastic show on TLC (you know, the learning channel), that follows various toddlers throughout their journey towards the Ultimate Grand Supreme Title at local beauty pageants. Oh, and it's about their over bearing, pushy, and generally over-weight and under-educated stage mothers.
The show depicts the children, who can barely form sentences, getting spray tans and wearing fake sets of teeth, all in preparation for the upcoming beauty talent competitions. Generally, the children throw tantrums and cry about being paraded around on stage in front of judges while the mothers explain how their children just adore being pageant regulars.
All in all, it's the best display of bad parenting on TV, and it never fails to amuse me.
This past week's episode included a three year old who chose to dress as Julia Robert's character in Pretty Woman. She chose to sport the iconic outfit from the first scene of the movie, when Vivienne first seduces her Lotus-driving Prince Charming. Apparently, this has caused quite a bit of controversy.
I really don't see what the big deal is. Oh, all of a sudden this show is outrageous? It really took a little girl dressed as a hooker for people to realize this? Most of all, who really cares what the little girl was dressed as? It's not as if she understood what she was (unless her mother sat her down and explained to her what that costume symbolized, which is really, just a message that if you work hard enough and screw the right people, you can get anywhere in life).
And even supposing this child did fully comprehend what a prostitute is, let's be real here: this is probably the best action these parents have taken in preparing their daughters for the future. The likelihood of these children going anywhere in life besides a regional beauty pageant is virtually non existent. Just look at these parents: they're Southern, and fat, and completely out of touch with reality. These children have stupid names that set them up for failure as well. Who the fuck names their kid Paisley and thinks it's acceptable? I think it's a lot more outrageous to expect these children to do anything productive with themselves than to just admit that while yes, some children will grow up to be professional athletes and doctors and lawyers and politicians, some of them will inevitably have to grow up to be the strippers and prostitutes that attend to them.
In my opinion, at least this mother gave her daughter a realistic glimpse into her future.
Check out the clip here:
The show depicts the children, who can barely form sentences, getting spray tans and wearing fake sets of teeth, all in preparation for the upcoming beauty talent competitions. Generally, the children throw tantrums and cry about being paraded around on stage in front of judges while the mothers explain how their children just adore being pageant regulars.
All in all, it's the best display of bad parenting on TV, and it never fails to amuse me.
This past week's episode included a three year old who chose to dress as Julia Robert's character in Pretty Woman. She chose to sport the iconic outfit from the first scene of the movie, when Vivienne first seduces her Lotus-driving Prince Charming. Apparently, this has caused quite a bit of controversy.
I really don't see what the big deal is. Oh, all of a sudden this show is outrageous? It really took a little girl dressed as a hooker for people to realize this? Most of all, who really cares what the little girl was dressed as? It's not as if she understood what she was (unless her mother sat her down and explained to her what that costume symbolized, which is really, just a message that if you work hard enough and screw the right people, you can get anywhere in life).
And even supposing this child did fully comprehend what a prostitute is, let's be real here: this is probably the best action these parents have taken in preparing their daughters for the future. The likelihood of these children going anywhere in life besides a regional beauty pageant is virtually non existent. Just look at these parents: they're Southern, and fat, and completely out of touch with reality. These children have stupid names that set them up for failure as well. Who the fuck names their kid Paisley and thinks it's acceptable? I think it's a lot more outrageous to expect these children to do anything productive with themselves than to just admit that while yes, some children will grow up to be professional athletes and doctors and lawyers and politicians, some of them will inevitably have to grow up to be the strippers and prostitutes that attend to them.
In my opinion, at least this mother gave her daughter a realistic glimpse into her future.
Check out the clip here:
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