Once You Put a Ring on it, Kindly Put a Muzzle on It Too.

I'd just like to make a PSA to anyone under the age of 25, on behalf of the better educated portion of America:
STOP FUCKING GETTING ENGAGED.

I may have a bit of a bias on this subject matter, because apparently, I'm the person you date before you date the person you're going to marry.  Translation:  I'm 3/3 in the game of ex-boyfriends who are now engaged to some foolish bitch.  How do I know these girls are foolish bitches?  Um, duh, because they're engaged to one of my ex-boyfriends, who are my ex's for a reason, and why any female would sign the next minimum of 3 years of their lives away to these buffoons escapes me.

I'm not against marriage, per say.  I am all for throwing a fucking rager of a wedding.  I TiVO "Say Yes to the Dress".  However, I've had enough experience in my 22 years of life to know that marriage is definitely a flawed institution.  Let's be real here, the divorce rate isn't around 50% for a reason, and I'll never fully believe in something that this great nation of ours limits to a certain portion of the population (okay, my one civil rights push, sorry, I had to)...if it's so great, why not let everyone in on it?  And who the hell is Michele Bachmann or any other fundamentalist zealot to determine who can and can not wed (okay, another, sorry, this is an issue I'm really passionate about).  I digress.

Things that annoy me about young engagements:

1.  The majority of the people I know that are engaged and in my age group are engaged to the one and only significant other they've ever had.  How the hell do you know someone's your soul mate when you don't have anything to compare it to?  That's akin to believing vanilla ice cream is your favorite flavor when you've never tried anything else, such as Cherry Garcia (it's like crack, I swear).  No wonder people find themselves in an unhappy marriage down the line; all the fun of planning a wedding, producing spawn, etc, are over, and then you're finally left realizing that this relationship you have is as good as it's going to get.  After all the dust settles, you wonder if this is really how your life was supposed to wind up, if being 30 and a mother of 3 is really all fate had in store.  No wonder people are unhappy.

2.  Facebook is now a means of announcing your "big news."  Okay what the fuck?  I understand our daily lives have been subsidized by technology and social networking media, but if you didn't have the decency to at least personally notify people instead of updating your relationship status to "engaged" the minute you slip a ring on your finger, I'm judging you and the success of your relationship.  My prediction?  It won't be.

3.  Nobody has the funds to purchase a ring worth mentioning right out of college.  Or while still in college, for that matter.  I'm sorry, but if anyone tried to pop the question with a sub-standard ring, I'd say no.  This is the single most important piece of jewelry you'll ever wear, why the hell should it be anything less than perfect?  The most popular response this statement receives are "you're materialistic (duh)" and "well, that's all they could afford right now."  My rebuttal?  Ex-fucking-actly.  WAIT.  Save up until you can get a bigger ring.  If you're meant to be together, you will still be together a couple years down the road.  What's the fucking hurry to dash down the aisle?  Which brings me to my next grievance...

4.  Nobody loves a shotgun wedding.  I swear to fucking god, if I find myself at another backyard wedding without open bar, I'm going to lose it.  Oh, that's all you cold afford for the time being?  Please re-visit aggravation #3.

5.  What the hell is wrong with your life that you're so desperate to end it before you've even made it to a quarter of a century?  Are you really planning on such a short life that getting married at 23 is the only option? What the hell is there to look forward to in your years to come?

And for those who choose to ignore my feelings on the matter (which you shouldn't, because anyone with a brain will agree with me on them), at least be courteous and post lots of close up pictures from every angle of your engagement ring.  I'm pretty sure there's a formula based on the cut, clarity, color and carat of the diamond in relation to how long the relationship will last.  Oh there isn't, you say?  I jest not, such guidelines exist.  The formula is along these lines:
The bigger the rock, the better the relationship.
Material things are a great way of showing people you care.  If you're like me, and incapable of expressing emotions other than anger (unless I'm completely inebriated, in which case, I don't mean it anyway), presents are a great way of telling someone you like them.  I don't like retarded gestures of intimacy, and I hate PDAs, but I am an excellent gift giver.  The only people who maintain the idea that money can't buy happiness and looks don't matter are the ugly and poor ones.  I like to think that the size of the diamond on the engagement ring is a gauge of how much the suitor values his beloved.  If I don't receive a ring that is worth as much as, if not more than, my fiance's car, I'm only going to think he values his own means of transportation more than he values having me in his life.  Let's face it, nobody drives a car until they die (unless they are killed in a car accident).  Not trying to be morbid, just being honest.
And even if the relationship heads south, I know for a fact diamonds have great resale value, AND, it's super easy to dismount your engagement ring diamond and turn it into a necklace or something.  Or to sell it and buy a car.

Either way, I'm so over people expressing their nauseating love for one another when they don't have the slightest clue what love is, and I'm even more over people not showing off their "bling" immediately so I can form a complete opinion on the situation.

My advice?  If you like it, don't put a ring on.  Wait until you can't live without it, and have the funds to prove it.