Assuming that everyone had a tolerable holiday season, I've decided that the annoying "holiday cheer" should have long since departed everyone's daily routines, and it's more than appropriate for me to impose my (always correct) opinions and observations on everyone. Seeing as how I have already stated my disdain for Jesus' Birthday Semantics, and I really don't observe MLK Jr. Day save sending the four black people I know a text message, I've decided to set the record straight on what I truly plan on doing with 2012 (aka, my 23 year on Earth).
My New Year's Resolutions:
1. Lose Weight/Live a Healthier Lifestyle
This seems to be a common trend for everyone in the world, as anyone who frequents a fitness club could observe. Ah yes, what better a time than the dead of winter to resolve to shed the pounds you've been packing on over the years and neglected to lose in years past? My thoughts on weight loss/healthy eating habits are this: give up. I don't believe in diets. I do, however, believe in eating when you're hungry (or drunk). I have always lived an active lifestyle. Aside from dancing on bar tops and sprinting from the vehicle to the bar, I also run frequently (oh, and I was a cheerleader for the better (or worse, can't decide) half of my life). I think there's a formula that says the more you workout, the more weight you lose. I figure if you can couple some physical activity with less caloric intake, you're on your way to Kate Moss.
Just kidding. Who am I fooling here? Living a healthier life style would mean banning the excessive alcohol consumption and recreational activities, and don't you dare threaten me with a good time. My basic philosophy on weight control is this: if you wake up late enough in the day, you can skip breakfast. After going for a run or doing some intense cardio, consuming an iced coffee is a great way to get your energy up. Snack as needed. Generally, the best thing to do after working out it is to pass out for a few hours to fend off your hangover, and, once you wake up, start pre-gaming so hard that you forget to eat. Worst case scenario, you hit the drive through late night. Most of the time, greasy fast food has a way of coming back up in record time, so it's pretty much as if you never ate it in the first place. When all else fails, nicotine is fabulous for curing cravings. Try it. Or, if you're like me, you can incorporate food into your drinking habits. Here's an ideal day:
Breakfast: Bloody Mary (there's tomato juice in it, and if you have like 3, you've got your daily serving of veggies covered. Throw a celery stalk and some olives in there and you're golden. Also, I like them with black pepper and tobasco sauce. I read somewhere that spicy food kicks up your metabolism. Even if it doesn't, tell yourself that. Think thin).
Lunch: something small, consisting of a half a sandwich or a huge salad (no dressing. Dressing is gross. Why would you want to change the flavor of your greens? Add a tomato or something), and accompanied with something non-alcoholic, like white wine or champagne (made from grapes. This is basically a fruits & veggies only diet).
Dinner: vodka. It's made from potatoes. Make a dirty martini with blue cheese stuffed olives and you're good to go. I like to have 3 Olives Cake for dessert.
Don't believe in cancer, it's always the good who die young. Look it up, Billy Joel even said so, and who am I to question someone who's work was part of a Broadway show?
So basically, I realized that this NYR was null and void, because there's nothing about my daily routine I see a need to fix.
2. Be Nice to People.
I really thought long and hard about this one. I realized that I can't fight human nature, and it's in my nature to be informative. I was almost a teacher, until I realized that I hate children, I'm way too money-hungry for that salary, and I dropped out of college. It's in my nature to share knowledge. I think it's only fair to let people know when they're being idiots. It's not me being mean, it's me trying to help. I don't understand why people are so sensitive about constructive criticism. If people hired me as their life coach, I guarantee you there would be a lot less stupid girls in loveless relationships and far fewer children with stupid, trendy names in this world. Apparently, this would make me 0/2. This is another New Year's Resolution that does not apply to me.
3. Reconnect with Old Friends.
Just kidding. Care to know what I'll be doing in May of 2012? Like I have a clue, but I damn sure will NOT be attending my high school reunion. If I could use two words to describe my general attitude towards the people I was forced to be educated alongside in my youth, they would be "uninterested" and "apathetic." No. I didn't care what you did with yourself five years ago, and I sure as hell don't care now. The only way I would go near anything related to my high school class is if I were offered some sort of time-travel opportunity where I could impart my current wisdom and knowledge unto my 15 year old self. I would have wasted even less time with those people, and would have actually spent time getting to know people that were truly interesting (ironically enough, the people I am most intrigued by and have the most respect for of my graduating class weren't close friends at all).
So thanks, but no thanks. I'm a firm believer that wherever life takes you, the people you're meant to have in yours will be with you regardless. I also don't think there's a chance I could get through any type of get together of this sort sober, which inevitably means I'll wind up telling someone he or she looks terrible & has gained an unforgivable amount of weight. 0/3
Which would lead me to my real resolution:
Survive the apocalypse. It's the only logical goal to give myself, really.
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