As if I can't add enough items to the ever-growing list of things that make me want to gauge my eyes out with a staple, I had a brief moment in time where I thought I hated Facebook. I grew angry reading through my news feed (which changes every four seconds, by the way. Annoying). I became irate every time someone tagged me in a picture. A wall post? Go fuck yourself.
It wasn't until I took a long hard look in the social-networking mirror that I realized it wasn't Facebook that I hated; it was the people on my friends list.
That being said, I've resolved to start holding my Facebook friends at a higher standard than I hold the idiots I interact with on a regular basis to. No, I'm not accepting your friend request because I met you once. No, I'm not wishing you a happy birthday because we had a poli-sci discussion together. And, as any girl with high standards would do, I've compiled a grand list to help me clean house.
PEOPLE I CAN'T WAIT TO DELETE FROM MY FACEBOOK:
1. Religious Zealots
With the most recent religious holiday being Easter, I was afforded a wonderful chance to see which of my idiot friends decided to post the generic statuses, including but not limited to: "He is RISEN!" "PRAISE BE!" "HAVE A BLESSED EASTER EVERYONE!" I would normally walk away from these people if I encountered them in real life, and I have no intention of abandoning my beliefs in cyber space. Nothing is ruder than people imposing their bigoted thoughts on others. I'm not against religion, per se, but I am against people throwing it in everyone else's face. Sunday mornings are also a fantastic time to clean house. The next time I have someone filling my news feed with the details of the "wonderful sermon today" I will be responding with a "delete."
2. People Who Post About Their Workouts
If there's one thing worse than people who impose their religion on others, it's people who brag about their workouts. I get it, you were chubby in high school and had a hard time finding actual penetration, and now that you've got a $10.00 a month gym membership, you're basically a personal trainer. Nobody fucking cares that you woke up at 6:00 this morning to have a protein shake and run 12 miles and now you're feeling great. First of all, the only times I've ever seen 6:00 in the morning have been the result of a serious bender. Second of all, I would be feeling suicidal after a 12 mile run, not great, it's fucking freezing out and it's still only 7:00 am. Also, I'm sure it must be lonely at the top, because now that you've discovered this whole new world of super fitness, the only pictures you can post are of you, alone, in front of a mirror trying to flex, but actually just looking constipated. I don't want to see the picture of your new cross trainers. I could give a fuck less that you are "going to class, then CROSSFIT! It's a way of life, gotta do it." Shut the fuck up. I work out too. I mainly have been focusing on the upper body lately - swiping a credit card and bending my elbow to re-hydrate myself with wine (it's just grape juice that grew up to be awesome). Either way, I have zero problem keeping it to myself, and everyone else should take note (as usual. I'm infallible).
3. Anyone who says "YOLO"
It's no secret, I've hit my mid-twenties with grace. I am no longer a young buck, and am becoming the older, more mature, Jackie O of my generation with ease. I had a rude awakening when I was home in CT for Christmas about just how old I am; you know you're getting old when you no longer have contact with any hometown drug dealers. I digress. I felt completely out of the loop on this entire "YOLO" phase. It took me a few days, and a few painful conversations with an idiot I worked with, to learn that YOLO is an acronym for "You Only Live Once." In true degenerate fashion, people have taken advantage of this phrase to justify their idiotic actions. Example: "getting wasted tonight instead of studying. YOLO" "running from the police. YOLO." I'm going to ignore the fact that "You Only Live Once" is a four word, five syllable phrase that has never needed an acronym. Either way, each time someone decides to update their status including the phrase "YOLO" I will be updating my friends list, sans them.
4. "Self Portrait" People
Try as I might, I can't ignore the fact that we are the generation of celebrated mediocrity. Oh, you watch the show Cake Boss on TLC? You'll probably open your own bakery too, since you're so good with box-made cupcakes. You own a digital camera? You're a photographer, and I can totally tell by the album you posted on Facebook of off-center pictures of trees you put in sepia! I cringe every time I see anything like this, but I've gotten used to it. What I can't get used to are the Myspace-style mirror pictures. I swear to fucking God, the next time a mirror picture pops up on my news feed, DELETE. Anyone can make themselves look attractive while making a stupid face into a mirror and holding your i-Phone in a downward direction. Who do you think you are, Snooki? Get over yourself. If your self-esteem is so low that you need to take pictures of yourself in hopes that someone will comment how pretty you are, I can't handle you as my friend to begin with. Hellen Keller could see that if self-assurance is what you seek, you're probably better off not being my friend.
5. "I'm in a Normal, Functional Relationship and I LOVE Telling Everyone."
I hate romance, I hate sentiment, and I hate people who throw their relationship in everyone's face. Nothing is wrong with posting photographs of the happy couple, but everything is wrong with gloating all over your status about how perfect your relationship is. "I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND SO MUCH." good for you, Daddy issues. Nobody gives a fuck how perfect your little relationship is, and I could not care less that you just celebrated your two week anniversary. The only thing I want to hear about are engagements (with a close-up of the ring, so I can judge), and divorce announcements, because nothing makes me happier than murder, gore, and failed relationships.
And stop posting those stupid memes and Jenna Marbles videos. Both insist upon themselves, and neither are all that great.
Showing posts with label idiots. Show all posts
Showing posts with label idiots. Show all posts
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Drink Like a Champion. No, Actually Do It.
In case anyone was wondering, I'm quite the judgmental bitch. I will form my opinion on any given situation within a matter of minutes. I can tell you exactly what I think of you within about ten minutes of speaking with you. Also, I enjoy concocting elaborate narratives about the lives and thoughts of individuals I observe while people watching. This being said, I think it's safe to say the main factor I judge people on is their choice in libations. I'll admit it, I have reached a new level of shallow. I no longer judge people based on their clothing or accessories, or even by their political beliefs (well, that's a lie. I still do that). I am a firm believer I can assume everything I need to know about an individual after I know what their booze of choice is.
Allow me to elaborate.
As someone who has been drinking heavily for at least the past 8 years of my life, I may not be able to pride myself in a lot of the decisions I've made while intoxicated, but I am definitely proud of my refinement in alcoholic taste. I no longer can stand the sight of cheap vodka and cringe at the idea of Nattie Light (if you grew up in Tolland, CT, you've probably blacked out on Dubra once or twice, and if you're me, you've drank an entire fifth of it and subsequently flashed Yank at the welcome back dance. That's neither here nor there).
So what are my first reactions to people who ask that their mixed drinks be made with bottom-shelf quality liquor, or get really excited that Bud Light and Coors Light are on draft? I either assume that they are either underage, or total white trash. Or total underage white trash. Either way, the level you drink at is an automatic indicator of your social status. Only the best people drink the best alcohol, duh.
As far as beers go, it's so basic to assume that the best beer you can get is Blue Moon. Allow me to introduce you to the 21st century, micro-brewery edition. Micro brews are a great way to explore various alcoholic tastes and various types of beer. Never heard of an IPA? Don't know the difference between an ale and a lager? Hone up on your beer knowledge! It will make you seem smarter, and will in turn, make you attractive to smarter people. You'll be trendier, and will appear much more refined than in your frat boy, Coors Light-drinking years. Also, micro-brews tend to have a higher a.b.v. than the standard light beer, and a much more tolerable flavor than the disgusting national brand heavy beer, so it will take less of them to achieve the party buzz you're seeking (recession tip). However, the stand-by's such as Coors Light and Bud Light are very useful when one needs to consume large quantities of beer in a limited amount of time (including, but not limited to, activities such as: chugging, shot gunning, beer pong, beer bat, flip cup, etc). This makes sense however, because nobody that is actually able to post all of their party pictures on Facebook plays those games on a regular basis anyway.
When it comes to wine, I am far from a connoisseur. However, I will maintain my knowledge that white zinfandel will always be stripper juice. That's a fact. And I judge people who claim to be "classy" while guzzling the rose wine (and most likely wearing a $19.99 pair of Charlotte Russe heels with matching earrings, belt, and chunky necklace to boot). Give up girl, and don't let your acrylics break when you hold onto the stemware.
As far as liquor goes, I really form my opinions on people when I view their hard liquor intake. Nothing makes me want to slap someone harder than those who drink fruity mixed drinks that are like, 1 part vodka to every 4 parts juice. If I wanted lemonade with a "splash" of booze, I'd go back to sixth grade, thanks. Go big or go home is what I say. Allow yourself a base liquor, and one mixer of choice. My personal favorite mixed drinks include: vodka & soda, vodka vodka & soda, tequila and OJ, tequila & soda with a splash of OJ, Jack on the rocks, vodka water with a splash of sour, and whiskey water with a splash of sour (to name a few). I refuse to drink vodka cranberries, and I advise others to do the same. Cranberry juice is only useful if you have a UTI, and if you're slamming vodka cranberries, I think you'd be better off spending the night finding the root of how you contracted the UTI in the first place. Detest Grey Goose, because it's over rated, and predictable. Instead, allow yourself to luxury of Belvedere or Hangar. There is nothing wrong with Ketel One. If you're balling on a budget, 3 Olives is a personal favorite of mine. The golden rule of liquor is that if you have to bend down to get it off the shelf, you could probably use it to clean your sink, and I don't like drinking Pine-Sol. My assessment of alcohol quality is derived from whether or not I could drink it on the rocks. If it's truly a decent spirit, I can enjoy it with just a little bit of ice. And a lot of good times.
As far as cocktails go, blue Long Islands and Electric Lemonades are for broke undergrads. I'm judging you, 42 year old woman, who asks for a Blue Long Island with extra lemons and a fucking cherry. I'm judging you.
Yes, fun shots are fun to do. For like, two rounds, on your 21st birthday. Grow a pair and shoot straight. Not only are birthday cake shots a pain in the ass for a bartender to make, but nothing flashes the "amateur" light like asking for a round of Dirty Girl Scouts, especially after your a few deep. Have you ever puked up creme de menthe? I don't recommend it.
Overall, I'd say that drinking is probably one of my favorite past times, aside from berating people (generally while drinking), and spending money (generally on alcohol). When you're this good at something, it's hard not to look down on those of lesser talent. But don't say I didn't try to help.
Allow me to elaborate.
As someone who has been drinking heavily for at least the past 8 years of my life, I may not be able to pride myself in a lot of the decisions I've made while intoxicated, but I am definitely proud of my refinement in alcoholic taste. I no longer can stand the sight of cheap vodka and cringe at the idea of Nattie Light (if you grew up in Tolland, CT, you've probably blacked out on Dubra once or twice, and if you're me, you've drank an entire fifth of it and subsequently flashed Yank at the welcome back dance. That's neither here nor there).
So what are my first reactions to people who ask that their mixed drinks be made with bottom-shelf quality liquor, or get really excited that Bud Light and Coors Light are on draft? I either assume that they are either underage, or total white trash. Or total underage white trash. Either way, the level you drink at is an automatic indicator of your social status. Only the best people drink the best alcohol, duh.
As far as beers go, it's so basic to assume that the best beer you can get is Blue Moon. Allow me to introduce you to the 21st century, micro-brewery edition. Micro brews are a great way to explore various alcoholic tastes and various types of beer. Never heard of an IPA? Don't know the difference between an ale and a lager? Hone up on your beer knowledge! It will make you seem smarter, and will in turn, make you attractive to smarter people. You'll be trendier, and will appear much more refined than in your frat boy, Coors Light-drinking years. Also, micro-brews tend to have a higher a.b.v. than the standard light beer, and a much more tolerable flavor than the disgusting national brand heavy beer, so it will take less of them to achieve the party buzz you're seeking (recession tip). However, the stand-by's such as Coors Light and Bud Light are very useful when one needs to consume large quantities of beer in a limited amount of time (including, but not limited to, activities such as: chugging, shot gunning, beer pong, beer bat, flip cup, etc). This makes sense however, because nobody that is actually able to post all of their party pictures on Facebook plays those games on a regular basis anyway.
When it comes to wine, I am far from a connoisseur. However, I will maintain my knowledge that white zinfandel will always be stripper juice. That's a fact. And I judge people who claim to be "classy" while guzzling the rose wine (and most likely wearing a $19.99 pair of Charlotte Russe heels with matching earrings, belt, and chunky necklace to boot). Give up girl, and don't let your acrylics break when you hold onto the stemware.
As far as liquor goes, I really form my opinions on people when I view their hard liquor intake. Nothing makes me want to slap someone harder than those who drink fruity mixed drinks that are like, 1 part vodka to every 4 parts juice. If I wanted lemonade with a "splash" of booze, I'd go back to sixth grade, thanks. Go big or go home is what I say. Allow yourself a base liquor, and one mixer of choice. My personal favorite mixed drinks include: vodka & soda, vodka vodka & soda, tequila and OJ, tequila & soda with a splash of OJ, Jack on the rocks, vodka water with a splash of sour, and whiskey water with a splash of sour (to name a few). I refuse to drink vodka cranberries, and I advise others to do the same. Cranberry juice is only useful if you have a UTI, and if you're slamming vodka cranberries, I think you'd be better off spending the night finding the root of how you contracted the UTI in the first place. Detest Grey Goose, because it's over rated, and predictable. Instead, allow yourself to luxury of Belvedere or Hangar. There is nothing wrong with Ketel One. If you're balling on a budget, 3 Olives is a personal favorite of mine. The golden rule of liquor is that if you have to bend down to get it off the shelf, you could probably use it to clean your sink, and I don't like drinking Pine-Sol. My assessment of alcohol quality is derived from whether or not I could drink it on the rocks. If it's truly a decent spirit, I can enjoy it with just a little bit of ice. And a lot of good times.
As far as cocktails go, blue Long Islands and Electric Lemonades are for broke undergrads. I'm judging you, 42 year old woman, who asks for a Blue Long Island with extra lemons and a fucking cherry. I'm judging you.
Yes, fun shots are fun to do. For like, two rounds, on your 21st birthday. Grow a pair and shoot straight. Not only are birthday cake shots a pain in the ass for a bartender to make, but nothing flashes the "amateur" light like asking for a round of Dirty Girl Scouts, especially after your a few deep. Have you ever puked up creme de menthe? I don't recommend it.
Overall, I'd say that drinking is probably one of my favorite past times, aside from berating people (generally while drinking), and spending money (generally on alcohol). When you're this good at something, it's hard not to look down on those of lesser talent. But don't say I didn't try to help.
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