FUCK YOU, KYLE SMITH.

I try to keep my musings and rants impersonal and light.  I don't like to tread on hot topics, and I've always done my part to NOT make this blog an atmosphere in which I shed light on personal vendettas.  That being said, I came across a New York Post article today that I can not ignore.
Kyle Smith, writer of the truly profound blog "Movies," a New York Post Entity, wrote an article cleverly titled "You Got Served!" in which he expressed his unfiltered, completely bias, and completely condescending opinions of people who work in the service industry.  Aside from eliminating all doubt that he is pompous, anti-American, and arrogant without reason, he wrote an entire article summing up what is wrong with our society today.
His article, which you can read here, expressed his disdain for waiters and waitresses in New York City.  He complained that restaurant patrons are "forced to make nice to these creepy ex-darlings of their high school theater departments because of the unspoken hostage drama that's taking place behind the scenes with...food," implicitly stating that if you don't treat your server with the slightest grain of respect, your food will be tampered with.
I don't know about you, but I grew up in a world where the golden rule was, "treat others how you would like to be treated," not, "treat others who are clearly inferior to you with a condescending 'respect' to ensure your food doesn't get tampered with."
As someone who works in the service industry, I deal with every type of idiot on the spectrum throughout the course of a shift.  As frustrating and rude as people can be, I have found that there is still some good in the world, and, the majority of the people I wait on are actually decent human beings with a basic understanding of social decorum.  I'm not here to bitch about the job that's paying my bills while I get a second degree, but I think it's only fair the rude, unfounded and offensive claims made by Mr. Smith are rebutted.
The overall tone of the article was hostile and sought justification for his behavior of the patron everyone in the service industry dreads of encountering.  He made no effort to act embarrassed or ashamed of the fact he only leaves an 11% tip, which is reason enough for concern as it is.
First of all, the tipping standard is 20%.  Servers are payed below minimum wage because it is common knowledge, on par with the color of the sky, that diners leave their waiter or waitress a tip that reflects the total of the bill.  Most servers have to tip out various other restaurant personnel, including the hostess, the bartenders, and the bus boys.  These tip outs are done on a percentage of the total sales of their shift; tipping 11% generally means the server is ACTUALLY getting 2% of the check, and when taxes are deducted from their already fecal paychecks, they are essentially PAYING FOR HIM to sit in their section because he is too much of a cheap, over critical prick to leave 20% of the check. For someone who claims to be a capitalist, I find it ironic he has no problem in allowing someone to essentially pay for him to dine out.
I think Mr. Smith intended his piece to be an edgy, satirical stance against over-zealous, over-friendly servers who pay their bills by turning tables and being attentive to their guests.  Guess what, Kyle?  You're a fucking dick.  Not only did you falsely assume every server is a struggling, up and coming performer, but you wrongfully asserted that we're all idiots.  I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with working in the service industry.  I'm not asking my parents for  hand outs, and I'm paying my own bills, and *gasp* I'm paying taxes, inherently contributing to society.  I'm unclear as to why people find it appropriate to condescend anyone for the manner in which they pay their bills.  I also can't fathom how someone could be so socially handicapped to not find an issue in writing a mass-produced article encouraging people to treat others disrespectfully.  His article bashed servers for having a sense of entitlement when it came to receiving tips at the end of the night, but in reality, he only described his own sense of outrageous entitlement.
He continued to compare dining in the US to dining in France (by the way, he spends TWO WHOLE WEEKS of each year there, so he's OBVIOUSLY an authority on all things French), which is absolutely ridiculous.  He commended servers in France who don't work for tips, which would be fine to do...if the economies of the US and France were similar.
Look, I understand Mr. Smith was trying to be funny while being a dick about people who actually work for their money, but I cannot appreciate him being rude and making unsupported assertions about the people in the service industry.  If he hates dining out in the US so much, he should just stay home.  There's no need for him to waste everyone's time and effort just so he can go home and complain about it.  It's not that fucking difficult to prepare meals at home, and coming from someone who claims to only be remotely polite to servers because he lives in fear of them fucking with his food, I don't think cooking his own meals would be an outrageous suggestion.
Or, maybe he could move to France, since they're obviously the only other country he's ever visited...and they're SO far superior to the United States anyway.
I hope somewhere in New York, Kyle Smith is getting mugged and beaten somewhere.  I'd consider it fair retribution for all of the negative, bad energy he seems to have no problem releasing into the world.
What a dick.

Let's Play a Game. It's Called "Just the Tip."

I'm almost completely convinced that less than 3% of the general population should be allowed out in public on a daily basis.  I have zero faith in humanity.  I find people stupid, tactless, and completely oblivious to social cues.  That being said, I would like to address a common custom and the etiquette involved in it:  dining out at restaurants.  As members of the most obese country on the planet, many Americans are accustomed to being able to drive a meager ten or fifteen minutes and find themselves with a plethora of dining options.  While many people are accustomed to the practice of sitting in a vinyl booth (that some small child has probably thrown up in at one point or another) and guzzling down unlimited amounts of syrupy carbonation (free refills are basically an IV of diabetes, by the way), few people are well acquainted with the other end of the procedure:  tipping your server.  Because I'm the eternal optimist, I've decided to assume that most people simply don't know better, which is why cheap ass clowns continue to bestow their hard working server with a meager, insulting pittance at the end of their meal.  I would like to state, for the record, that it is no longer 1994.  We have a black president, people freak out over gay chickens, or something, and the tipping standard is no longer 10%.  It's 20%.  Do you know what that means?  Take the total on the bottom of your bill, pull out your fucking smart phone that you've been busy using to post stupid fucking food pictures on InstaGram with, and multiply that total by .2.  See that number you come up with?  Put that as the tip on the credit card slip.  It's not fucking rocket science.

Some people think that the tip is negotiable.  It's not.  Servers pay taxes on each table they wait on.  They also tip out other restaurant employees, such as bussers and bartenders.  By not leaving a tip, you've essentially allowed your server to pay for you to go out to eat, which is actually the fucking rudest.  I don't give a shit whether or not you can afford to leave 20%.  There's a simple solution to that:  don't go out to eat if you can't afford to tip.

Because this article is probably not enough to crack the glacial iceberg that is the world of evil cheapskates, I've decided to assist all of you with a basic FAQ on the matter.

Q:  I just got my bill.  I got exactly what I ordered, and the service was satisfactory.  What should I tip?
A:  20%.

Q:  I got exactly what I ordered, but I didn't like my food.  I didn't say anything to my server, but I feel like she should have known by the way I wasn't interacting with her.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%.

Q:  I got my food, and I didn't like it.  My server was attentive, and offered me something else, which I declined.  My server took my dish off the bill.  How much should I tip?
A:  20% of the original bill.

Q:  I ordered a soda, and drained the glass by the time my server had finished getting my tables food order.  It took her like 3 minutes to get me another, and then I drank that within about 45 seconds.  My refills took anywhere from 3-7 minutes each. I  have no idea how my server could be so rude as to not know that I absolutely cannot eat my dinner without drinking a minimum of 12 Cokes before my meal.  What should I tip?
A:  20%, and just so you know, you probably consumed about 4896083409682 calories during your meal.

Q:  I'm old.  How much should I tip?
A:  Listen up before your senile ass forgets:  20%.  Enjoy your remaining years.

Q:  My server was pleasant enough to us, but she seems like she's kind of a bitch in real life.  How much should I tip?
A:  I'm sure you're just a ray of fucking sunshine yourself.  25%, because you're probably a real dick.

Q:  I continued making condescending remarks to my server all night, and have been nit-picking the service, searching for reasons to leave a shitty tip.  How much should I leave?
A:  20%, minimum, and I hope somebody slipped rat poison in your ketchup.

Q:  I went out to eat without calling ahead on a Friday night, and am very disgruntled to learn that the popular restaurant I chose is asking me to wait up to 25 minutes for a table!  I'm very angry, because I clearly have an undeserved sense of entitlement.  My server did a great job, but she didn't do anything to accommodate for the fact that I had to wait for my table, just like all of the other patrons.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%.

Q:  I took my four young children out to eat.  How much should I tip?
A:  20% + $5 per child.  For example:  A $100.00 bill without children should be a $20.00 tip.  With four children, your total tip equals:  $20 + (5+5+5+5) = $40.00.  And tell your fucking rugrats to stop grinding up crayons and leaving them on the table.

Q:  I got my table at 7:00, but I need to make it to a movie at 8:00.  I told my server I was in a huge hurry, and then proceeded to take 15 minutes to decide on my entree.  I asked my server for recommendations on food that could be prepared quickly, and I completely ignored their advice and chose a well done steak.  The steak took about 25 minutes to cook, and now I am going to be late for my movie.  How much should I tip?
A:  Are you fucking serious?  25%, and an extra 5% for your trouble because I'm sure you're the kind of person who physically taps your server on the shoulder while he or she is taking care of another table.

Q:  I ordered an appetizer, salad, and an entree.  My chain hangs low and I've consumed about a million and a half non-alcoholic, non-carbonated flavored beverages with little to no ice before my appetizer arrived.  I clearly have no grasp on table decorum and have asked my server multiple times "Where my food at?" because s/he had the nerve to bring my appetizer and salads (with extra ranch) before I have even received my main course.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%, at least, and then another 30% in reparations for all of your cheap ass friends that are "ballin' on a budget" and run my ass around the restaurant, only to stiff me.

Q:  I was only planning on spending $80.00 on dinner, but I've somehow racked up a tab of $85.00.  How much should I tip?  I'm so broke right now!
A:  $18.00, which would be 20%.  Tipping is part of the deal.  You wouldn't go to a store and try to bargain down the price of a pair of shoes because you couldn't afford them, would you?  You would opt for the more affordable option.  The same goes for dining out:  get what you can afford, WITH the 20% tip accounted for.  And go find Suze Orman you piece of shit.

Q:  I went out to eat with a large group of friends.  We moved our seats around, and requested an impossibly difficult separation of checks.  I was a little put off when I vaguely waved my hand around the table and informed my server that I would be paying for my own appetizer, Jessica's first drink, Kayla's second, and half of Robert's dessert, only to receive a blank stare from my server.  My server clearly hadn't taken the time to learn all of our first names.  I find this absolutely inconceivable because that's her job, regardless of the fact that I couldn't be bothered to listen when she introduced herself multiple times, and resorted to snapping at her and calling her "Hey, you" all evening.  How much should I tip?
A:  40%, I hate you, and it's not Diet Coke if you've drank 16 of them.

Q:  I'm a redneck.  I have three teeth, and I'm unclear as to why everyone is looking at me funny when I've removed my shoes at the dinner table.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%, and pass the news along to your brother-uncle.

Q:  My bill was $11.37, and I gave my server a $100 bill to cover the check.  She informed me she would be back with my change.  I'm so puzzled as to how she doesn't have that much cash on her right now; it's 12:03 and the restaurant opened at 11:30.  It took her almost 4 minutes to give me the proper change back. I'm so irritated that she wasn't able to act as a human ATM and automatically dispense $88.63.  How much should I tip?
A:  20%, and you're an asshole.  Are you a rap star, a drug dealer, or just a douche bag?  If you're saying no to all of those, you have no reason to bring a hundred dollar bill with you to a lunch date.

Q:  I was very rude throughout my meal, but everything was satisfactory.  I have now presented my black AMEX card to my server.  How much should I tip?
A:  30%.  You have an AMEX, and I'm a college student trying to support a drug habit.  Pay it forward.

Q:  I just grabbed my server's ass because I'm an inebriated buffoon.  How much should I tip?
A:  200%, regardless of the fact that you just got slapped in the face.

Q:  I'm planning on leaving my phone number on the check, because I find my server attractive.  How much should I tip?
A:  40%.

Q:  I'm foreign, how much should I tip?
A:  20%.

Unless you've retained all of this information and are ready to apply it in real world terms, don't ever sit in my section.