In case anyone was wondering, I'm quite the judgmental bitch. I will form my opinion on any given situation within a matter of minutes. I can tell you exactly what I think of you within about ten minutes of speaking with you. Also, I enjoy concocting elaborate narratives about the lives and thoughts of individuals I observe while people watching. This being said, I think it's safe to say the main factor I judge people on is their choice in libations. I'll admit it, I have reached a new level of shallow. I no longer judge people based on their clothing or accessories, or even by their political beliefs (well, that's a lie. I still do that). I am a firm believer I can assume everything I need to know about an individual after I know what their booze of choice is.
Allow me to elaborate.
As someone who has been drinking heavily for at least the past 8 years of my life, I may not be able to pride myself in a lot of the decisions I've made while intoxicated, but I am definitely proud of my refinement in alcoholic taste. I no longer can stand the sight of cheap vodka and cringe at the idea of Nattie Light (if you grew up in Tolland, CT, you've probably blacked out on Dubra once or twice, and if you're me, you've drank an entire fifth of it and subsequently flashed Yank at the welcome back dance. That's neither here nor there).
So what are my first reactions to people who ask that their mixed drinks be made with bottom-shelf quality liquor, or get really excited that Bud Light and Coors Light are on draft? I either assume that they are either underage, or total white trash. Or total underage white trash. Either way, the level you drink at is an automatic indicator of your social status. Only the best people drink the best alcohol, duh.
As far as beers go, it's so basic to assume that the best beer you can get is Blue Moon. Allow me to introduce you to the 21st century, micro-brewery edition. Micro brews are a great way to explore various alcoholic tastes and various types of beer. Never heard of an IPA? Don't know the difference between an ale and a lager? Hone up on your beer knowledge! It will make you seem smarter, and will in turn, make you attractive to smarter people. You'll be trendier, and will appear much more refined than in your frat boy, Coors Light-drinking years. Also, micro-brews tend to have a higher a.b.v. than the standard light beer, and a much more tolerable flavor than the disgusting national brand heavy beer, so it will take less of them to achieve the party buzz you're seeking (recession tip). However, the stand-by's such as Coors Light and Bud Light are very useful when one needs to consume large quantities of beer in a limited amount of time (including, but not limited to, activities such as: chugging, shot gunning, beer pong, beer bat, flip cup, etc). This makes sense however, because nobody that is actually able to post all of their party pictures on Facebook plays those games on a regular basis anyway.
When it comes to wine, I am far from a connoisseur. However, I will maintain my knowledge that white zinfandel will always be stripper juice. That's a fact. And I judge people who claim to be "classy" while guzzling the rose wine (and most likely wearing a $19.99 pair of Charlotte Russe heels with matching earrings, belt, and chunky necklace to boot). Give up girl, and don't let your acrylics break when you hold onto the stemware.
As far as liquor goes, I really form my opinions on people when I view their hard liquor intake. Nothing makes me want to slap someone harder than those who drink fruity mixed drinks that are like, 1 part vodka to every 4 parts juice. If I wanted lemonade with a "splash" of booze, I'd go back to sixth grade, thanks. Go big or go home is what I say. Allow yourself a base liquor, and one mixer of choice. My personal favorite mixed drinks include: vodka & soda, vodka vodka & soda, tequila and OJ, tequila & soda with a splash of OJ, Jack on the rocks, vodka water with a splash of sour, and whiskey water with a splash of sour (to name a few). I refuse to drink vodka cranberries, and I advise others to do the same. Cranberry juice is only useful if you have a UTI, and if you're slamming vodka cranberries, I think you'd be better off spending the night finding the root of how you contracted the UTI in the first place. Detest Grey Goose, because it's over rated, and predictable. Instead, allow yourself to luxury of Belvedere or Hangar. There is nothing wrong with Ketel One. If you're balling on a budget, 3 Olives is a personal favorite of mine. The golden rule of liquor is that if you have to bend down to get it off the shelf, you could probably use it to clean your sink, and I don't like drinking Pine-Sol. My assessment of alcohol quality is derived from whether or not I could drink it on the rocks. If it's truly a decent spirit, I can enjoy it with just a little bit of ice. And a lot of good times.
As far as cocktails go, blue Long Islands and Electric Lemonades are for broke undergrads. I'm judging you, 42 year old woman, who asks for a Blue Long Island with extra lemons and a fucking cherry. I'm judging you.
Yes, fun shots are fun to do. For like, two rounds, on your 21st birthday. Grow a pair and shoot straight. Not only are birthday cake shots a pain in the ass for a bartender to make, but nothing flashes the "amateur" light like asking for a round of Dirty Girl Scouts, especially after your a few deep. Have you ever puked up creme de menthe? I don't recommend it.
Overall, I'd say that drinking is probably one of my favorite past times, aside from berating people (generally while drinking), and spending money (generally on alcohol). When you're this good at something, it's hard not to look down on those of lesser talent. But don't say I didn't try to help.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Once You Put a Ring on it, Kindly Put a Muzzle on It Too.
I'd just like to make a PSA to anyone under the age of 25, on behalf of the better educated portion of America:
STOP FUCKING GETTING ENGAGED.
I may have a bit of a bias on this subject matter, because apparently, I'm the person you date before you date the person you're going to marry. Translation: I'm 3/3 in the game of ex-boyfriends who are now engaged to some foolish bitch. How do I know these girls are foolish bitches? Um, duh, because they're engaged to one of my ex-boyfriends, who are my ex's for a reason, and why any female would sign the next minimum of 3 years of their lives away to these buffoons escapes me.
I'm not against marriage, per say. I am all for throwing a fucking rager of a wedding. I TiVO "Say Yes to the Dress". However, I've had enough experience in my 22 years of life to know that marriage is definitely a flawed institution. Let's be real here, the divorce rate isn't around 50% for a reason, and I'll never fully believe in something that this great nation of ours limits to a certain portion of the population (okay, my one civil rights push, sorry, I had to)...if it's so great, why not let everyone in on it? And who the hell is Michele Bachmann or any other fundamentalist zealot to determine who can and can not wed (okay, another, sorry, this is an issue I'm really passionate about). I digress.
Things that annoy me about young engagements:
1. The majority of the people I know that are engaged and in my age group are engaged to the one and only significant other they've ever had. How the hell do you know someone's your soul mate when you don't have anything to compare it to? That's akin to believing vanilla ice cream is your favorite flavor when you've never tried anything else, such as Cherry Garcia (it's like crack, I swear). No wonder people find themselves in an unhappy marriage down the line; all the fun of planning a wedding, producing spawn, etc, are over, and then you're finally left realizing that this relationship you have is as good as it's going to get. After all the dust settles, you wonder if this is really how your life was supposed to wind up, if being 30 and a mother of 3 is really all fate had in store. No wonder people are unhappy.
2. Facebook is now a means of announcing your "big news." Okay what the fuck? I understand our daily lives have been subsidized by technology and social networking media, but if you didn't have the decency to at least personally notify people instead of updating your relationship status to "engaged" the minute you slip a ring on your finger, I'm judging you and the success of your relationship. My prediction? It won't be.
3. Nobody has the funds to purchase a ring worth mentioning right out of college. Or while still in college, for that matter. I'm sorry, but if anyone tried to pop the question with a sub-standard ring, I'd say no. This is the single most important piece of jewelry you'll ever wear, why the hell should it be anything less than perfect? The most popular response this statement receives are "you're materialistic (duh)" and "well, that's all they could afford right now." My rebuttal? Ex-fucking-actly. WAIT. Save up until you can get a bigger ring. If you're meant to be together, you will still be together a couple years down the road. What's the fucking hurry to dash down the aisle? Which brings me to my next grievance...
4. Nobody loves a shotgun wedding. I swear to fucking god, if I find myself at another backyard wedding without open bar, I'm going to lose it. Oh, that's all you cold afford for the time being? Please re-visit aggravation #3.
5. What the hell is wrong with your life that you're so desperate to end it before you've even made it to a quarter of a century? Are you really planning on such a short life that getting married at 23 is the only option? What the hell is there to look forward to in your years to come?
And for those who choose to ignore my feelings on the matter (which you shouldn't, because anyone with a brain will agree with me on them), at least be courteous and post lots of close up pictures from every angle of your engagement ring. I'm pretty sure there's a formula based on the cut, clarity, color and carat of the diamond in relation to how long the relationship will last. Oh there isn't, you say? I jest not, such guidelines exist. The formula is along these lines:
The bigger the rock, the better the relationship.
Material things are a great way of showing people you care. If you're like me, and incapable of expressing emotions other than anger (unless I'm completely inebriated, in which case, I don't mean it anyway), presents are a great way of telling someone you like them. I don't like retarded gestures of intimacy, and I hate PDAs, but I am an excellent gift giver. The only people who maintain the idea that money can't buy happiness and looks don't matter are the ugly and poor ones. I like to think that the size of the diamond on the engagement ring is a gauge of how much the suitor values his beloved. If I don't receive a ring that is worth as much as, if not more than, my fiance's car, I'm only going to think he values his own means of transportation more than he values having me in his life. Let's face it, nobody drives a car until they die (unless they are killed in a car accident). Not trying to be morbid, just being honest.
And even if the relationship heads south, I know for a fact diamonds have great resale value, AND, it's super easy to dismount your engagement ring diamond and turn it into a necklace or something. Or to sell it and buy a car.
Either way, I'm so over people expressing their nauseating love for one another when they don't have the slightest clue what love is, and I'm even more over people not showing off their "bling" immediately so I can form a complete opinion on the situation.
My advice? If you like it, don't put a ring on. Wait until you can't live without it, and have the funds to prove it.
STOP FUCKING GETTING ENGAGED.
I may have a bit of a bias on this subject matter, because apparently, I'm the person you date before you date the person you're going to marry. Translation: I'm 3/3 in the game of ex-boyfriends who are now engaged to some foolish bitch. How do I know these girls are foolish bitches? Um, duh, because they're engaged to one of my ex-boyfriends, who are my ex's for a reason, and why any female would sign the next minimum of 3 years of their lives away to these buffoons escapes me.
I'm not against marriage, per say. I am all for throwing a fucking rager of a wedding. I TiVO "Say Yes to the Dress". However, I've had enough experience in my 22 years of life to know that marriage is definitely a flawed institution. Let's be real here, the divorce rate isn't around 50% for a reason, and I'll never fully believe in something that this great nation of ours limits to a certain portion of the population (okay, my one civil rights push, sorry, I had to)...if it's so great, why not let everyone in on it? And who the hell is Michele Bachmann or any other fundamentalist zealot to determine who can and can not wed (okay, another, sorry, this is an issue I'm really passionate about). I digress.
Things that annoy me about young engagements:
1. The majority of the people I know that are engaged and in my age group are engaged to the one and only significant other they've ever had. How the hell do you know someone's your soul mate when you don't have anything to compare it to? That's akin to believing vanilla ice cream is your favorite flavor when you've never tried anything else, such as Cherry Garcia (it's like crack, I swear). No wonder people find themselves in an unhappy marriage down the line; all the fun of planning a wedding, producing spawn, etc, are over, and then you're finally left realizing that this relationship you have is as good as it's going to get. After all the dust settles, you wonder if this is really how your life was supposed to wind up, if being 30 and a mother of 3 is really all fate had in store. No wonder people are unhappy.
2. Facebook is now a means of announcing your "big news." Okay what the fuck? I understand our daily lives have been subsidized by technology and social networking media, but if you didn't have the decency to at least personally notify people instead of updating your relationship status to "engaged" the minute you slip a ring on your finger, I'm judging you and the success of your relationship. My prediction? It won't be.
3. Nobody has the funds to purchase a ring worth mentioning right out of college. Or while still in college, for that matter. I'm sorry, but if anyone tried to pop the question with a sub-standard ring, I'd say no. This is the single most important piece of jewelry you'll ever wear, why the hell should it be anything less than perfect? The most popular response this statement receives are "you're materialistic (duh)" and "well, that's all they could afford right now." My rebuttal? Ex-fucking-actly. WAIT. Save up until you can get a bigger ring. If you're meant to be together, you will still be together a couple years down the road. What's the fucking hurry to dash down the aisle? Which brings me to my next grievance...
4. Nobody loves a shotgun wedding. I swear to fucking god, if I find myself at another backyard wedding without open bar, I'm going to lose it. Oh, that's all you cold afford for the time being? Please re-visit aggravation #3.
5. What the hell is wrong with your life that you're so desperate to end it before you've even made it to a quarter of a century? Are you really planning on such a short life that getting married at 23 is the only option? What the hell is there to look forward to in your years to come?
And for those who choose to ignore my feelings on the matter (which you shouldn't, because anyone with a brain will agree with me on them), at least be courteous and post lots of close up pictures from every angle of your engagement ring. I'm pretty sure there's a formula based on the cut, clarity, color and carat of the diamond in relation to how long the relationship will last. Oh there isn't, you say? I jest not, such guidelines exist. The formula is along these lines:
The bigger the rock, the better the relationship.
Material things are a great way of showing people you care. If you're like me, and incapable of expressing emotions other than anger (unless I'm completely inebriated, in which case, I don't mean it anyway), presents are a great way of telling someone you like them. I don't like retarded gestures of intimacy, and I hate PDAs, but I am an excellent gift giver. The only people who maintain the idea that money can't buy happiness and looks don't matter are the ugly and poor ones. I like to think that the size of the diamond on the engagement ring is a gauge of how much the suitor values his beloved. If I don't receive a ring that is worth as much as, if not more than, my fiance's car, I'm only going to think he values his own means of transportation more than he values having me in his life. Let's face it, nobody drives a car until they die (unless they are killed in a car accident). Not trying to be morbid, just being honest.
And even if the relationship heads south, I know for a fact diamonds have great resale value, AND, it's super easy to dismount your engagement ring diamond and turn it into a necklace or something. Or to sell it and buy a car.
Either way, I'm so over people expressing their nauseating love for one another when they don't have the slightest clue what love is, and I'm even more over people not showing off their "bling" immediately so I can form a complete opinion on the situation.
My advice? If you like it, don't put a ring on. Wait until you can't live without it, and have the funds to prove it.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
I'm going to just dance my way out of this bad romance with this washed up pop star, for the love of Judas.
I have a confession to make: I'm over Lady Gaga.
I'm really over her. I know I'm serious about this because I'm not even going to handle being over her as I have in past scenarios; claiming I'm done with it to all of my friends, posting Facebook statuses about my new great outlook, and then calling the aforementioned situation some 46 times repeatedly after a few too many drinks. I'm not even over it in the sense that I say I'm done with and over it, and then wind up being found sitting in the corner of the shower drinking out of a bottle of Berringer's through a straw screaming Alanis Morrissette lyrics at the top of my lungs (you oughta know, for the record, that wasn't one of my proudest moments).
If you know anything about me, it's that I have an unrivaled affection and belief in pop culture, and most importantly, pop icons. I once had hopes that GaGa would be able to fall into the same category as the likes of Cher and Britney (duh, of course Britney).
When GaGa first came onto the music scene, she was a great performer with an eccentric look. Aside from her penchant for bedazzled leotards with shoulder pads, she was someone the general public could relate to, even in a small capacity. Here she was, performing fresh pop/dance music songs in fun, different outfits. Essentially, she was someone who was performing her mainstream music but putting her own look into it, which proved she was the ultimate proponent of expressing one's own individuality.
Lately, she's fallen off the deep end.
Hear my take on it here, and be sure to follow me on Twitter: @EngelBitch
http://soundcloud.com/engelbitch/is-gaga-over
I'm really over her. I know I'm serious about this because I'm not even going to handle being over her as I have in past scenarios; claiming I'm done with it to all of my friends, posting Facebook statuses about my new great outlook, and then calling the aforementioned situation some 46 times repeatedly after a few too many drinks. I'm not even over it in the sense that I say I'm done with and over it, and then wind up being found sitting in the corner of the shower drinking out of a bottle of Berringer's through a straw screaming Alanis Morrissette lyrics at the top of my lungs (you oughta know, for the record, that wasn't one of my proudest moments).
If you know anything about me, it's that I have an unrivaled affection and belief in pop culture, and most importantly, pop icons. I once had hopes that GaGa would be able to fall into the same category as the likes of Cher and Britney (duh, of course Britney).
When GaGa first came onto the music scene, she was a great performer with an eccentric look. Aside from her penchant for bedazzled leotards with shoulder pads, she was someone the general public could relate to, even in a small capacity. Here she was, performing fresh pop/dance music songs in fun, different outfits. Essentially, she was someone who was performing her mainstream music but putting her own look into it, which proved she was the ultimate proponent of expressing one's own individuality.
Lately, she's fallen off the deep end.
Hear my take on it here, and be sure to follow me on Twitter: @EngelBitch
http://soundcloud.com/engelbitch/is-gaga-over
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Let's Call a Spade a Spade Here People...
For those of you who live under a rock, or have morals, and haven't indulged in the greatest display of idiocracy on television, I would like to introduce you to Toddler's and Tiaras. It's a fantastic show on TLC (you know, the learning channel), that follows various toddlers throughout their journey towards the Ultimate Grand Supreme Title at local beauty pageants. Oh, and it's about their over bearing, pushy, and generally over-weight and under-educated stage mothers.
The show depicts the children, who can barely form sentences, getting spray tans and wearing fake sets of teeth, all in preparation for the upcoming beauty talent competitions. Generally, the children throw tantrums and cry about being paraded around on stage in front of judges while the mothers explain how their children just adore being pageant regulars.
All in all, it's the best display of bad parenting on TV, and it never fails to amuse me.
This past week's episode included a three year old who chose to dress as Julia Robert's character in Pretty Woman. She chose to sport the iconic outfit from the first scene of the movie, when Vivienne first seduces her Lotus-driving Prince Charming. Apparently, this has caused quite a bit of controversy.
I really don't see what the big deal is. Oh, all of a sudden this show is outrageous? It really took a little girl dressed as a hooker for people to realize this? Most of all, who really cares what the little girl was dressed as? It's not as if she understood what she was (unless her mother sat her down and explained to her what that costume symbolized, which is really, just a message that if you work hard enough and screw the right people, you can get anywhere in life).
And even supposing this child did fully comprehend what a prostitute is, let's be real here: this is probably the best action these parents have taken in preparing their daughters for the future. The likelihood of these children going anywhere in life besides a regional beauty pageant is virtually non existent. Just look at these parents: they're Southern, and fat, and completely out of touch with reality. These children have stupid names that set them up for failure as well. Who the fuck names their kid Paisley and thinks it's acceptable? I think it's a lot more outrageous to expect these children to do anything productive with themselves than to just admit that while yes, some children will grow up to be professional athletes and doctors and lawyers and politicians, some of them will inevitably have to grow up to be the strippers and prostitutes that attend to them.
In my opinion, at least this mother gave her daughter a realistic glimpse into her future.
Check out the clip here:
The show depicts the children, who can barely form sentences, getting spray tans and wearing fake sets of teeth, all in preparation for the upcoming beauty talent competitions. Generally, the children throw tantrums and cry about being paraded around on stage in front of judges while the mothers explain how their children just adore being pageant regulars.
All in all, it's the best display of bad parenting on TV, and it never fails to amuse me.
This past week's episode included a three year old who chose to dress as Julia Robert's character in Pretty Woman. She chose to sport the iconic outfit from the first scene of the movie, when Vivienne first seduces her Lotus-driving Prince Charming. Apparently, this has caused quite a bit of controversy.
I really don't see what the big deal is. Oh, all of a sudden this show is outrageous? It really took a little girl dressed as a hooker for people to realize this? Most of all, who really cares what the little girl was dressed as? It's not as if she understood what she was (unless her mother sat her down and explained to her what that costume symbolized, which is really, just a message that if you work hard enough and screw the right people, you can get anywhere in life).
And even supposing this child did fully comprehend what a prostitute is, let's be real here: this is probably the best action these parents have taken in preparing their daughters for the future. The likelihood of these children going anywhere in life besides a regional beauty pageant is virtually non existent. Just look at these parents: they're Southern, and fat, and completely out of touch with reality. These children have stupid names that set them up for failure as well. Who the fuck names their kid Paisley and thinks it's acceptable? I think it's a lot more outrageous to expect these children to do anything productive with themselves than to just admit that while yes, some children will grow up to be professional athletes and doctors and lawyers and politicians, some of them will inevitably have to grow up to be the strippers and prostitutes that attend to them.
In my opinion, at least this mother gave her daughter a realistic glimpse into her future.
Check out the clip here:
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Pretty Sure if My VMA Rant Gets a Few More Hits, I'LL Be on the Next Season of DWTS.
Alright people, the cast list of the next season of Dancing With the Stars has been released, and I'm almost positive a better name for the show would be "Dancing With (people who at one point have had sex with/spoken to/or are related to) The Stars". Srsly.
For those of you who care about pop culture and celebrities as much as I do (and I don't expect that to be many of you, after all, it took be HOURS to construct my wall-shrine to Britney Spears in my dorm room sophomore year...that's dedication most other people would have contributed to studying or something gross), the cast list is far beyond disappointing:
1. Chaz Bono
I get, son of Cher. I get it. Your mother is a legend (she's part of my holy trinity of worship, accompanied by Britney -duh- and Dolly Parton). And, oh, he is a transgendered American. I am not discounting the value of resources he has provided for millions of people through his books, motivational speeches, and Emmy-nominated documentary "Becoming Chaz." I am, however, positive the only reason Chaz Bono is famous is because his mother is, duh, the freaking queen of the world. If he's famous just because he's had gender reassignment surgery, there is an entirely different level of wrong associated with that - millions of Americans each year go through the counseling and surgery required to change their sex, and many of them write books and counsel others on the subject matter. I do support Chaz for using his own real-life experience to provide advocacy and support for millions of others, but I don't feel his celebrity status is deserved. Sadly, Chaz is the celebrity I find most famous and most well known out of the entire cast, which really isn't saying much. However, Chaz Bono deserving fame because his mother is a pop culture icon and he had a surgery to become who he was meant to be is similar to saying one of the Kardashian sisters gained fame because she had a father who defended a wife killer and later in life made a sex tape.
Speaking of Kardashians...
2. Rob Kardashian
Srsly? Yes, we've all seen Rob Kardashian on that reality show on E! (Keeping up With the Kardashians/Khloe and Lamar/Kourtney and Kim Take New York/Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami/E! True Hollywood Story: The Kardashians), but what contribution has he really made? He stares blankly at the camera and slowly drags out his last syllable of whatever asinine words he strings together and calls a statement. Oh, apparently he is part of a modeling campaign for a clothing line featured at Wal-Mart/K-Mart/Salvation Army. I don't care. He's lucky his older sister banged Reggie Bush.
3. Ricki Lake
The only thing I know about Ricki Lake is that she once hosted a show, and I used to change the channel every time it came on TV when I was lying on the couch, home sick from elementary school. I don't know where the hell she's been hibernating for the past 15 years, but I hope she at least emerges with a better haircut.
4. Kristin Cavallari
I used to watch Laguna Beach, and I hated this bitch. I dislike her use of mis-matching bikini tops and bottoms, and I further dislike her whiny tone when she used to talk to her boyfriend "Steeeeee-phennnnn". Apparently she was engaged to an NFL player, and the engagement was broken off. The only reason I can fathom her getting a spot on DWTS is that it was some type of consolation; Lauren Conrad got her own spin off, and all this girl got was a cocaine addiction.
5. Elisabetta Canalis
Really, we're so out of legitimate stars here we now have to import them to learn the foxtrot on national tv? I get it, she slept with George Clooney consistently for two years. Okay, what else? Oh, that's it? Great. I don't care.
6. Ron Artest
Okay, fantastic, let's put a professional athlete with anger issues on display for everyone to judge. My guess is that after Bruno gives him one bad score, heads will roll. No, seriously. There will be blood. Also, if you're best known for beating up a fan, are you really that famous? Why can't we get someone that was known for their talent? Where the hell are LeBron and Kobe? Oh, they're working.
7. Chynna Phillips
Apparently she was a part of a band. To be honest with you, I thought it was the girl from former professional wrestling fame. Publicity fail.
8. David Arquette
Oh, you know, the guy who was married to Courtney Cox and then became an alcoholic who dated strippers? Exactly. What about that previous statement enticed you to want to watch him waltz across your tv?
9. J.R. Martinez
He served in Iraq and then used his fame (he was burned over 40% of his body) to get a role on a soap opera, where he plays himself. Who would have thought enlisting to serve your country would later result in you embarassing yourself all over national tv? Has the military disability pension gotten so bad that veterans are resorting to "acting" on daytime TV?
10. Carson Kressley
He was on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." If he doesn't know how to dance, I've lost all faith in humanity.
11. Hope Solo
You might recognize her from this past year's women's world cup. And yep, that's about all you would recognize her from.
12. Nancy Grace
Sadly, she's probably most recognizable from the cast. She has that incredibly un-biased and deep talk show that discusses current issues, such as the Casey Anthony trial. Once in a while, she takes a break from talking about Casey Anthony to talk about her twins. When she's not talking about "Tot Mom", Grace is a former prosecuter from Georgia. If there's anything I hate more than Republicans, it's the South, which would imply that I intristically hate Nancy Grace. It's true. I can't stand that bitch. I hope she breaks her ankle, falls off the stage, dislocates her shoulder, and is unable to work for at least 3 months. As an extra slap in the face, I hope HLN replaces her show with The Rachel Maddow Show, just for shiggles (that's a combination of shits and giggles).
Needless to say, I will be a devout follower of the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars. But, I won't be a huge supporter of the cast. If you need to be related to someone who's well known, or have formerly slept with someone who's well known, you're doing something wrong. What's worse is that I'm sure DWTS will catapult these people into fame...just look at what it did for Ralph Macchio - he was a semi-finalist, and now he's Lady GaGa's fashion icon.
My ideal season of DWTS would include: Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, Sandra Bullock, Ashton Kutcher, Snooki, and all of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's children. And Suri Cruise. Duh. Love her.
Why can't that cast happen? Oh, right, they're all busy actually being famous. Le sigh.
For those of you who care about pop culture and celebrities as much as I do (and I don't expect that to be many of you, after all, it took be HOURS to construct my wall-shrine to Britney Spears in my dorm room sophomore year...that's dedication most other people would have contributed to studying or something gross), the cast list is far beyond disappointing:
1. Chaz Bono
I get, son of Cher. I get it. Your mother is a legend (she's part of my holy trinity of worship, accompanied by Britney -duh- and Dolly Parton). And, oh, he is a transgendered American. I am not discounting the value of resources he has provided for millions of people through his books, motivational speeches, and Emmy-nominated documentary "Becoming Chaz." I am, however, positive the only reason Chaz Bono is famous is because his mother is, duh, the freaking queen of the world. If he's famous just because he's had gender reassignment surgery, there is an entirely different level of wrong associated with that - millions of Americans each year go through the counseling and surgery required to change their sex, and many of them write books and counsel others on the subject matter. I do support Chaz for using his own real-life experience to provide advocacy and support for millions of others, but I don't feel his celebrity status is deserved. Sadly, Chaz is the celebrity I find most famous and most well known out of the entire cast, which really isn't saying much. However, Chaz Bono deserving fame because his mother is a pop culture icon and he had a surgery to become who he was meant to be is similar to saying one of the Kardashian sisters gained fame because she had a father who defended a wife killer and later in life made a sex tape.
Speaking of Kardashians...
2. Rob Kardashian
Srsly? Yes, we've all seen Rob Kardashian on that reality show on E! (Keeping up With the Kardashians/Khloe and Lamar/Kourtney and Kim Take New York/Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami/E! True Hollywood Story: The Kardashians), but what contribution has he really made? He stares blankly at the camera and slowly drags out his last syllable of whatever asinine words he strings together and calls a statement. Oh, apparently he is part of a modeling campaign for a clothing line featured at Wal-Mart/K-Mart/Salvation Army. I don't care. He's lucky his older sister banged Reggie Bush.
3. Ricki Lake
The only thing I know about Ricki Lake is that she once hosted a show, and I used to change the channel every time it came on TV when I was lying on the couch, home sick from elementary school. I don't know where the hell she's been hibernating for the past 15 years, but I hope she at least emerges with a better haircut.
4. Kristin Cavallari
I used to watch Laguna Beach, and I hated this bitch. I dislike her use of mis-matching bikini tops and bottoms, and I further dislike her whiny tone when she used to talk to her boyfriend "Steeeeee-phennnnn". Apparently she was engaged to an NFL player, and the engagement was broken off. The only reason I can fathom her getting a spot on DWTS is that it was some type of consolation; Lauren Conrad got her own spin off, and all this girl got was a cocaine addiction.
5. Elisabetta Canalis
Really, we're so out of legitimate stars here we now have to import them to learn the foxtrot on national tv? I get it, she slept with George Clooney consistently for two years. Okay, what else? Oh, that's it? Great. I don't care.
6. Ron Artest
Okay, fantastic, let's put a professional athlete with anger issues on display for everyone to judge. My guess is that after Bruno gives him one bad score, heads will roll. No, seriously. There will be blood. Also, if you're best known for beating up a fan, are you really that famous? Why can't we get someone that was known for their talent? Where the hell are LeBron and Kobe? Oh, they're working.
7. Chynna Phillips
Apparently she was a part of a band. To be honest with you, I thought it was the girl from former professional wrestling fame. Publicity fail.
8. David Arquette
Oh, you know, the guy who was married to Courtney Cox and then became an alcoholic who dated strippers? Exactly. What about that previous statement enticed you to want to watch him waltz across your tv?
9. J.R. Martinez
He served in Iraq and then used his fame (he was burned over 40% of his body) to get a role on a soap opera, where he plays himself. Who would have thought enlisting to serve your country would later result in you embarassing yourself all over national tv? Has the military disability pension gotten so bad that veterans are resorting to "acting" on daytime TV?
10. Carson Kressley
He was on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." If he doesn't know how to dance, I've lost all faith in humanity.
11. Hope Solo
You might recognize her from this past year's women's world cup. And yep, that's about all you would recognize her from.
12. Nancy Grace
Sadly, she's probably most recognizable from the cast. She has that incredibly un-biased and deep talk show that discusses current issues, such as the Casey Anthony trial. Once in a while, she takes a break from talking about Casey Anthony to talk about her twins. When she's not talking about "Tot Mom", Grace is a former prosecuter from Georgia. If there's anything I hate more than Republicans, it's the South, which would imply that I intristically hate Nancy Grace. It's true. I can't stand that bitch. I hope she breaks her ankle, falls off the stage, dislocates her shoulder, and is unable to work for at least 3 months. As an extra slap in the face, I hope HLN replaces her show with The Rachel Maddow Show, just for shiggles (that's a combination of shits and giggles).
Needless to say, I will be a devout follower of the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars. But, I won't be a huge supporter of the cast. If you need to be related to someone who's well known, or have formerly slept with someone who's well known, you're doing something wrong. What's worse is that I'm sure DWTS will catapult these people into fame...just look at what it did for Ralph Macchio - he was a semi-finalist, and now he's Lady GaGa's fashion icon.
My ideal season of DWTS would include: Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, Sandra Bullock, Ashton Kutcher, Snooki, and all of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's children. And Suri Cruise. Duh. Love her.
Why can't that cast happen? Oh, right, they're all busy actually being famous. Le sigh.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
If There Hadn't Been a Tribute to Britney, the VMA's Would Have Been More Disappointing than the First Time I Had Sex.
If you follow me on Twitter (which you should, by the way @EngelBitch, it's phenomenal), you would know that I generally share mindless thoughts on miscellaneous issues. I promise, I will never discuss politics or anything deep. For crying out loud, I recently tweeted (by the way, follow me on Twitter: @EngelBitch) about having anxiety over fall manicure trends...clearly I am no authority on political agenda.
However, my assessments of society are always fantastic.
One of the most paramount nights in entertainment occurred this evening: MTV's Video Music Awards. The VMA stages of years past have seen some of the most controversial and ground-breaking events in entertainment: Madonna made out with Britney, Lady GaGa hung from a suspension wire while dripping with stage blood, and Taylor Swift got put in her place by an inebriated Kanye West (that was a totally unbiased statement, obviously). Naturally, I was prepping for tonight to be raucous, awe-inspiring, and generally so out of control that Michele Bachmann would be unable to sleep for weeks after hearing about it (and would hopefully commit suicide because she can't stand to live in a country that supports this type of debauchery - ok sorry, my one political plug).
I was terribly disappointed. I watched the entire pre-show, all of the performances, and all of the presentations of awards, and was left with one question:
What the fuck MTV?
The one aspect of tonight's show that I did approve of was the pre-show, actually. I really enjoyed Selena Gomez, as I find her adorable, and also because I'm slightly jealous she's getting it in with Justin Bieber (let's be honest, we would all tap that). I'll admit it, I had fun watching her interview her own little teenage-heartthrob beau, and was impressed with how professional she was trying to be. I also enjoyed the preshow because it was fun watching the celebrities arrive in, well, not in style, that's for sure.
As much as I like Nicki Minaj, I really don't understand what was going on with her outfit, and if anyone tries to feed me some bullshit about it being "for her craft" or "an artistic statement", no, you're wrong. Her look was a cross between having a seizure in a Toys 'R Us and having a seizure in an arts and crafts tent at a day camp. While hers is the only look that comes to mind at the moment, I will stand firmly in my ground that there was nothing spectacular about anyone's look for the night, especially, the opening performer's:
FUCKING LADY GAGA.
Not only was I expecting a grander entrance, but I was expecting a better performance. Yes, vocally, she sounded great. Par for the course. But, for someone who has committed suicide in a leotard fit for the drag-queen show version of Black Swan, hatched out of an egg, and performed on a custom-made piano (alongside ELTON JOHN, no less), she seriously disappointed tonight. First of all, what the hell compelled her to dress up in drag and NOT have a costume change? I felt a little lost tonight without her crazy outfits and headpieces (and no, Katy Perry did NOT fill the void for me). Yes, I get it, she was dressing up as the ex-boyfriend who wronged her and motivated her to become the star she is today. But really? Staying like that the entire night? Want to know what I did the last time I had an ex-boyfriend wrong me? I got a super awesome set of boobs and slept with his arch nemesis, as any other self-respecting female would do. Aside from her apalling look, her performance wasn't anything spectacular either. Essentially, the theatrics came down to smoking a cigarette and pouring a bottle of beer on people. I used to pull shenanigans like that all the time, and that time was called when I was ages 15-19, and those antics only occurred when I was already black out drunk (still not sorry about that, if I poured beer on you, you fucking deserved it). Regardless, she did not set the tone for a very interesting show.
This year, MTV chose to not have a host for the show, which, given the implication that the would-be host was Kevin Hart, was an excellent idea. His opening stand-up presentation was beyond horrid. That man has worse delivery than a blind obstetrician. I was uncomfortable during his short quip, and I can't even imagine how the rest of the audience felt. When you're opening up with "Hey Lil Wayne, you're black, stop skateboarding", you're pretty much doomed. The skits in between commercial breaks weren't much better, but it's evident that Hart works better with scripted, rehearsed and filmed material. Also, we get it. Rick Ross is the boss. Speaking of Rick Ross, his introduction of Pitbull with Paul Rudd was absolutely terrible. The two started with a semi-promising banter about how they frequently get confused for one another, and then stopped the dead pan to say "and now presenting Pitbull." Well. Alright then.
Speaking of presenters (see what I did there?), Miley Cyrus didn't disappoint me in the awful looks department tonight. Cyrus abandoned her usual wardrobe of ill-fitting cutoffs or a mini-dress of an unflattering tone and decided to stick with a grey-patterned full length gown. With her hair tightly pulled back, Miley looked terrible. Maybe she sported such a modest look because she's trying to revamp her image as an "entertainer" but, let's be honest here, no matter how many nun-resembling outfits she wears, nobody is going to forget about the slutty cell phone pictures or the time she pole-danced in front of six year olds. The damage is done bitch. Own your skank status and werk.
The night was essentially one disappointing performance after the other. I am a huge Kanye West fan. I am also a huge Jay Z fan. I really enjoy their collaborations, and I did enjoy their performance of otis. However, whether it was the under-stated outfits or the lack of theatrics, they provided a lackluster performance. Pitbull was alright, but I can't say he did anything ground-breaking or memorable. The immensely gifted Adele put on an awe-inspiring display of vocals, but that was it. There was zero performance. She stood in front of a microphone and sang. Yes, her voice is beautiful, but come on, girl, do something slutty or throw glitter into the audience...your performance was more of a lullaby and less of a show. It's undeniable that Chris Brown put on a fabulous dance performance. However, without live vocals to accompany it, I found it way more blase` than it could have been.
I did, however, thoroughly enjoy Beyonce's performance. She sounded great and looked fantastic, as did Bruno Mars in his Amy Winehouse tribute. Maybe I'm a sucker for large-scale productions, but those two performances were the only ones of the night that I felt were up to caliber of an award's show.
I cannot say the same of Lil Wayne, who I was really hoping would end the night with a performance so epic I would be able to forget everything else that went wrong with the evening. I understand that "How to Love" is his new single, but starting his performance with a ballad was not the best idea. I really feel that by adding a little more to his performance in the way of set design would have helped him out. Unfortunately, the awards show itself dragged too much for Weezy to salvage it on his own.
I have mixed feelings on the Britney Spears tribute. I thought the dancing was fantastic, but I would have liked to see a few live vocal contributions from some current artists. It's Britney, God damnit. There is always a way to do more for the queen. However, I am thrilled that she received the awards that she did, and that she was paid a tribute at all. I have ALWAYS been a loyal Britney fan, and am overjoyed that she has received recognition for the contributions to pop music and culture she has made throughout her career.
Overall, I was really left hanging by this year's VMA show. I had a decent amount of excitement built up with the pre-show, and then was significantly let down once the opening acts inched their way in. Nothing became more exciting as the show got into full swing, and the end was severely anti-climatic. I wasn't left in awe and I wasn't seeing stars when it was finished. Sadly, I was searching for the remote...which, incidentally, led me to realize the entire evening paralleled another situation in my life that had a lot of build up and little enjoyment.
Shame on you, MTV.
PS
Follow me on Twitter : http://twitter.com/#!/EngelBitch
Oh, and I started a Youtube channel. Weeee : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvtMDzFQzUE&feature=channel_video_title
However, my assessments of society are always fantastic.
One of the most paramount nights in entertainment occurred this evening: MTV's Video Music Awards. The VMA stages of years past have seen some of the most controversial and ground-breaking events in entertainment: Madonna made out with Britney, Lady GaGa hung from a suspension wire while dripping with stage blood, and Taylor Swift got put in her place by an inebriated Kanye West (that was a totally unbiased statement, obviously). Naturally, I was prepping for tonight to be raucous, awe-inspiring, and generally so out of control that Michele Bachmann would be unable to sleep for weeks after hearing about it (and would hopefully commit suicide because she can't stand to live in a country that supports this type of debauchery - ok sorry, my one political plug).
I was terribly disappointed. I watched the entire pre-show, all of the performances, and all of the presentations of awards, and was left with one question:
What the fuck MTV?
The one aspect of tonight's show that I did approve of was the pre-show, actually. I really enjoyed Selena Gomez, as I find her adorable, and also because I'm slightly jealous she's getting it in with Justin Bieber (let's be honest, we would all tap that). I'll admit it, I had fun watching her interview her own little teenage-heartthrob beau, and was impressed with how professional she was trying to be. I also enjoyed the preshow because it was fun watching the celebrities arrive in, well, not in style, that's for sure.
As much as I like Nicki Minaj, I really don't understand what was going on with her outfit, and if anyone tries to feed me some bullshit about it being "for her craft" or "an artistic statement", no, you're wrong. Her look was a cross between having a seizure in a Toys 'R Us and having a seizure in an arts and crafts tent at a day camp. While hers is the only look that comes to mind at the moment, I will stand firmly in my ground that there was nothing spectacular about anyone's look for the night, especially, the opening performer's:
FUCKING LADY GAGA.
Not only was I expecting a grander entrance, but I was expecting a better performance. Yes, vocally, she sounded great. Par for the course. But, for someone who has committed suicide in a leotard fit for the drag-queen show version of Black Swan, hatched out of an egg, and performed on a custom-made piano (alongside ELTON JOHN, no less), she seriously disappointed tonight. First of all, what the hell compelled her to dress up in drag and NOT have a costume change? I felt a little lost tonight without her crazy outfits and headpieces (and no, Katy Perry did NOT fill the void for me). Yes, I get it, she was dressing up as the ex-boyfriend who wronged her and motivated her to become the star she is today. But really? Staying like that the entire night? Want to know what I did the last time I had an ex-boyfriend wrong me? I got a super awesome set of boobs and slept with his arch nemesis, as any other self-respecting female would do. Aside from her apalling look, her performance wasn't anything spectacular either. Essentially, the theatrics came down to smoking a cigarette and pouring a bottle of beer on people. I used to pull shenanigans like that all the time, and that time was called when I was ages 15-19, and those antics only occurred when I was already black out drunk (still not sorry about that, if I poured beer on you, you fucking deserved it). Regardless, she did not set the tone for a very interesting show.
This year, MTV chose to not have a host for the show, which, given the implication that the would-be host was Kevin Hart, was an excellent idea. His opening stand-up presentation was beyond horrid. That man has worse delivery than a blind obstetrician. I was uncomfortable during his short quip, and I can't even imagine how the rest of the audience felt. When you're opening up with "Hey Lil Wayne, you're black, stop skateboarding", you're pretty much doomed. The skits in between commercial breaks weren't much better, but it's evident that Hart works better with scripted, rehearsed and filmed material. Also, we get it. Rick Ross is the boss. Speaking of Rick Ross, his introduction of Pitbull with Paul Rudd was absolutely terrible. The two started with a semi-promising banter about how they frequently get confused for one another, and then stopped the dead pan to say "and now presenting Pitbull." Well. Alright then.
Speaking of presenters (see what I did there?), Miley Cyrus didn't disappoint me in the awful looks department tonight. Cyrus abandoned her usual wardrobe of ill-fitting cutoffs or a mini-dress of an unflattering tone and decided to stick with a grey-patterned full length gown. With her hair tightly pulled back, Miley looked terrible. Maybe she sported such a modest look because she's trying to revamp her image as an "entertainer" but, let's be honest here, no matter how many nun-resembling outfits she wears, nobody is going to forget about the slutty cell phone pictures or the time she pole-danced in front of six year olds. The damage is done bitch. Own your skank status and werk.
The night was essentially one disappointing performance after the other. I am a huge Kanye West fan. I am also a huge Jay Z fan. I really enjoy their collaborations, and I did enjoy their performance of otis. However, whether it was the under-stated outfits or the lack of theatrics, they provided a lackluster performance. Pitbull was alright, but I can't say he did anything ground-breaking or memorable. The immensely gifted Adele put on an awe-inspiring display of vocals, but that was it. There was zero performance. She stood in front of a microphone and sang. Yes, her voice is beautiful, but come on, girl, do something slutty or throw glitter into the audience...your performance was more of a lullaby and less of a show. It's undeniable that Chris Brown put on a fabulous dance performance. However, without live vocals to accompany it, I found it way more blase` than it could have been.
I did, however, thoroughly enjoy Beyonce's performance. She sounded great and looked fantastic, as did Bruno Mars in his Amy Winehouse tribute. Maybe I'm a sucker for large-scale productions, but those two performances were the only ones of the night that I felt were up to caliber of an award's show.
I cannot say the same of Lil Wayne, who I was really hoping would end the night with a performance so epic I would be able to forget everything else that went wrong with the evening. I understand that "How to Love" is his new single, but starting his performance with a ballad was not the best idea. I really feel that by adding a little more to his performance in the way of set design would have helped him out. Unfortunately, the awards show itself dragged too much for Weezy to salvage it on his own.
I have mixed feelings on the Britney Spears tribute. I thought the dancing was fantastic, but I would have liked to see a few live vocal contributions from some current artists. It's Britney, God damnit. There is always a way to do more for the queen. However, I am thrilled that she received the awards that she did, and that she was paid a tribute at all. I have ALWAYS been a loyal Britney fan, and am overjoyed that she has received recognition for the contributions to pop music and culture she has made throughout her career.
Overall, I was really left hanging by this year's VMA show. I had a decent amount of excitement built up with the pre-show, and then was significantly let down once the opening acts inched their way in. Nothing became more exciting as the show got into full swing, and the end was severely anti-climatic. I wasn't left in awe and I wasn't seeing stars when it was finished. Sadly, I was searching for the remote...which, incidentally, led me to realize the entire evening paralleled another situation in my life that had a lot of build up and little enjoyment.
Shame on you, MTV.
PS
Follow me on Twitter : http://twitter.com/#!/EngelBitch
Oh, and I started a Youtube channel. Weeee : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvtMDzFQzUE&feature=channel_video_title
Friday, August 19, 2011
STOP. With. The Movie Quotes.
Ah, cinema. There's no debate it's one of the greatest innovations of technological society, akin to the motor vehicle and the Rabbit vibrator. It's entertaining, and has ways of bringing people together. It can be both thought provoking (I'm still getting over Inception. I think my head exploded) and mindless (Pineapple Express can make anyone's day seem less stressful). Also, it can be incessently over referenced.
Allow me to elaborate.
Sometimes, there is nothing more enjoyable than catching up with a few good friends over a bottle (or two or three or four) of tequila. It's fun to reminisce on the good old days, and to discuss current events in each other's lives (never religion or politics, it's a cardinal rule, and one I wholly endorse). There are always laughs to be had and memories to be made.
From the same vein, there is nothing more fucking overdone and irritating than sitting at a table of people who rely on humor stolen from films. It's unoriginal, it's too common, and it's not entertaining anymore.
The next time I am at a barbeque and someone stands at the edge of the pool and says "I have an announcement to make...CANNONBALL!" I will find another place to put my kebob skewer entirely. Seriously? You throwing yourself into 6 feet of chlorinated water was of such paramount importance you needed to interrupt everyone to quote Will Ferrell? I highly doubt it.
Much as I mislead people daily into thinking I'm moderately attractive with the highly skilled use of MAC, thousands of people trick others into believing their humorous by inserting movie quotes into conversation. In doing so, all they have proven to their company is their cunning ability to relate a situation. Oh, you're pressuring someone with a gag reflex to shotgun a beer and you quote Beerfest (I remember my first beer!)? How. Fucking. Inspired.
Quote Tolstoy for all I care. Just please. Please. I beg you. Stop trying to convince people you're funny by quoting multi million dollar box office smashes.
Allow me to elaborate.
Sometimes, there is nothing more enjoyable than catching up with a few good friends over a bottle (or two or three or four) of tequila. It's fun to reminisce on the good old days, and to discuss current events in each other's lives (never religion or politics, it's a cardinal rule, and one I wholly endorse). There are always laughs to be had and memories to be made.
From the same vein, there is nothing more fucking overdone and irritating than sitting at a table of people who rely on humor stolen from films. It's unoriginal, it's too common, and it's not entertaining anymore.
The next time I am at a barbeque and someone stands at the edge of the pool and says "I have an announcement to make...CANNONBALL!" I will find another place to put my kebob skewer entirely. Seriously? You throwing yourself into 6 feet of chlorinated water was of such paramount importance you needed to interrupt everyone to quote Will Ferrell? I highly doubt it.
Much as I mislead people daily into thinking I'm moderately attractive with the highly skilled use of MAC, thousands of people trick others into believing their humorous by inserting movie quotes into conversation. In doing so, all they have proven to their company is their cunning ability to relate a situation. Oh, you're pressuring someone with a gag reflex to shotgun a beer and you quote Beerfest (I remember my first beer!)? How. Fucking. Inspired.
Quote Tolstoy for all I care. Just please. Please. I beg you. Stop trying to convince people you're funny by quoting multi million dollar box office smashes.
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