Somewhere between recovering from last weekend's vodka-induced-fall-induced concussion and putting my anti-aging cream on last night, I had a harsh realization: I'm growing up. and it's fucking terrifying. Not physically, actually, seeing as how I've been the same size since 6th grade (which would be quite convenient if Limited Too had provided classic and timeless clothing styles), but in actual real-world terms: I'm getting old. As I rubbed my anti-wrinkle night cream onto my face (a night-time ritual I encourage any female over the age of 16 to do), I had a minor anxiety attack because I only have 2 years until I can justifiably start lying about my age. This whole mid-twenties situation is starting to freak me the fuck out. After I finished applying eye serum, I took a long look in the mirror. Not only did I determine I am super proud of myself and my preventative measures in the fight against signs of visible aging, but I need to make a move, and fast, as to what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.
This may sound like a daunting concept, but I would also like to point out this is coming from the girl who had her first mid-life crisis at the tender age of 13. I'm getting super irritated by the fact that I'm no longer allowed to change my major every other week, and I should probably start thinking about annoying adult words such as "stability" and "career" and "moderate drinking." My plans up to this point had been: marry a royal (and I haven't even met Harry yet), win the lottery, or become involved in an elaborate blackmail scheme that I profit millions of dollars from. Since neither of these highly realistic options have panned out, and clearly I've slept with all the wrong people (otherwise I'd be ultra famous by now, and have a high-end vodka named after me), I've compiled a list of possible career options for me:
1. Wedding Planner Extraordinaire
I'm not referring to your average wedding, with the guest list and the cake and the flowers and the lame ass toasts. I'm referring to a new target audience: red necks, white trash, and the lower middle class. I plan on getting ordained to be a justice of the peace, and I plan on officiating the ceremony as well as planning it. What's my big selling point? FANTASTIC THEMES, that's what it is. So, you want a pirate wedding? I will provide a swash-buckling event! Everything will be pirate, including your ceremony itself, which I will perform in my best pirate-speak. I will even pay some homeless people to pillage (not rape, this is a wedding) your reception site! I've got millions of ideas for hilariously tacky weddings, and I figure if I can offer everything for about $1000, I would be able to build up a pretty big following of idiots who don't know any better. The best part, of course, will be the fact that I'm making a mockery of the couple's nuptials without them realizing it. Ironically ruining the most important day of some people's lives should be quite profitable. And enjoyable.
2. Photographer
I realize that I have zero background in photography, but I have a natural gift. It's called the ability to download Instagram. Isn't that what everyone else is doing these days?
3. Life Coach
In case you haven't realized it, I'm fucking brilliant. I hate everything unreasonable, and I have a wonderful grasp on reality (aside from my enormous sense of entitlement, which I don't feel is irrational at all; I'm entitled to believe I should have everything I want). I feel as though the world would be a better place if people would let me guide their decisions. There would be fewer toxic relationships, fewer children with dumb, trendy, misspelled names, and Southern accents may be rendered obsolete. I'm a little unsure of why people haven't been paying me to coach their every move already, but if you're interested, I'm available.
4. Stand Up Comedy
Actually, this is going to happen. I'm just so lazy.
5. Funeral Planner
If I can plan an excellent themed wedding, I'm positive I could plan one hell of a themed funeral. Oh, themed funerals are disrespectful? I disagree. I think it's disrespectful to the dead by crying. I hate when people cry around me, mostly because I have the emotional availability of a mailbox. I also think the whole "wear black, cry, go back to someone's house and eat casseroles" thing is so over-played. I hate to break it to you, but everyone dies. I see a funeral as a challenge. Essentially, you only get one, and it's the only party with guaranteed attendance you'll ever have. Why not throw a great one? I feel as though I could create an entirely new market with themed funeral planning. Not only would I be able to console the terminally ill/elderly/morbidly obese with the idea that their loved ones will be having a blast in their honor, but I'll distract them from impending doom. Let's face it, funerals are a drag. I intend to change that.
6. Vodka Promoter
I'm actually still waiting for Three Olives to get back to me. I should probably up it to 25 e-mails a week instead of 20, I'm sure the others aren't getting through to the right people.
7. Best selling Author
I should probably just write a book.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
I Have Enough Friends, and I Hate Most of them 99% of the Time Already
As if I can't add enough items to the ever-growing list of things that make me want to gauge my eyes out with a staple, I had a brief moment in time where I thought I hated Facebook. I grew angry reading through my news feed (which changes every four seconds, by the way. Annoying). I became irate every time someone tagged me in a picture. A wall post? Go fuck yourself.
It wasn't until I took a long hard look in the social-networking mirror that I realized it wasn't Facebook that I hated; it was the people on my friends list.
That being said, I've resolved to start holding my Facebook friends at a higher standard than I hold the idiots I interact with on a regular basis to. No, I'm not accepting your friend request because I met you once. No, I'm not wishing you a happy birthday because we had a poli-sci discussion together. And, as any girl with high standards would do, I've compiled a grand list to help me clean house.
PEOPLE I CAN'T WAIT TO DELETE FROM MY FACEBOOK:
1. Religious Zealots
With the most recent religious holiday being Easter, I was afforded a wonderful chance to see which of my idiot friends decided to post the generic statuses, including but not limited to: "He is RISEN!" "PRAISE BE!" "HAVE A BLESSED EASTER EVERYONE!" I would normally walk away from these people if I encountered them in real life, and I have no intention of abandoning my beliefs in cyber space. Nothing is ruder than people imposing their bigoted thoughts on others. I'm not against religion, per se, but I am against people throwing it in everyone else's face. Sunday mornings are also a fantastic time to clean house. The next time I have someone filling my news feed with the details of the "wonderful sermon today" I will be responding with a "delete."
2. People Who Post About Their Workouts
If there's one thing worse than people who impose their religion on others, it's people who brag about their workouts. I get it, you were chubby in high school and had a hard time finding actual penetration, and now that you've got a $10.00 a month gym membership, you're basically a personal trainer. Nobody fucking cares that you woke up at 6:00 this morning to have a protein shake and run 12 miles and now you're feeling great. First of all, the only times I've ever seen 6:00 in the morning have been the result of a serious bender. Second of all, I would be feeling suicidal after a 12 mile run, not great, it's fucking freezing out and it's still only 7:00 am. Also, I'm sure it must be lonely at the top, because now that you've discovered this whole new world of super fitness, the only pictures you can post are of you, alone, in front of a mirror trying to flex, but actually just looking constipated. I don't want to see the picture of your new cross trainers. I could give a fuck less that you are "going to class, then CROSSFIT! It's a way of life, gotta do it." Shut the fuck up. I work out too. I mainly have been focusing on the upper body lately - swiping a credit card and bending my elbow to re-hydrate myself with wine (it's just grape juice that grew up to be awesome). Either way, I have zero problem keeping it to myself, and everyone else should take note (as usual. I'm infallible).
3. Anyone who says "YOLO"
It's no secret, I've hit my mid-twenties with grace. I am no longer a young buck, and am becoming the older, more mature, Jackie O of my generation with ease. I had a rude awakening when I was home in CT for Christmas about just how old I am; you know you're getting old when you no longer have contact with any hometown drug dealers. I digress. I felt completely out of the loop on this entire "YOLO" phase. It took me a few days, and a few painful conversations with an idiot I worked with, to learn that YOLO is an acronym for "You Only Live Once." In true degenerate fashion, people have taken advantage of this phrase to justify their idiotic actions. Example: "getting wasted tonight instead of studying. YOLO" "running from the police. YOLO." I'm going to ignore the fact that "You Only Live Once" is a four word, five syllable phrase that has never needed an acronym. Either way, each time someone decides to update their status including the phrase "YOLO" I will be updating my friends list, sans them.
4. "Self Portrait" People
Try as I might, I can't ignore the fact that we are the generation of celebrated mediocrity. Oh, you watch the show Cake Boss on TLC? You'll probably open your own bakery too, since you're so good with box-made cupcakes. You own a digital camera? You're a photographer, and I can totally tell by the album you posted on Facebook of off-center pictures of trees you put in sepia! I cringe every time I see anything like this, but I've gotten used to it. What I can't get used to are the Myspace-style mirror pictures. I swear to fucking God, the next time a mirror picture pops up on my news feed, DELETE. Anyone can make themselves look attractive while making a stupid face into a mirror and holding your i-Phone in a downward direction. Who do you think you are, Snooki? Get over yourself. If your self-esteem is so low that you need to take pictures of yourself in hopes that someone will comment how pretty you are, I can't handle you as my friend to begin with. Hellen Keller could see that if self-assurance is what you seek, you're probably better off not being my friend.
5. "I'm in a Normal, Functional Relationship and I LOVE Telling Everyone."
I hate romance, I hate sentiment, and I hate people who throw their relationship in everyone's face. Nothing is wrong with posting photographs of the happy couple, but everything is wrong with gloating all over your status about how perfect your relationship is. "I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND SO MUCH." good for you, Daddy issues. Nobody gives a fuck how perfect your little relationship is, and I could not care less that you just celebrated your two week anniversary. The only thing I want to hear about are engagements (with a close-up of the ring, so I can judge), and divorce announcements, because nothing makes me happier than murder, gore, and failed relationships.
And stop posting those stupid memes and Jenna Marbles videos. Both insist upon themselves, and neither are all that great.
It wasn't until I took a long hard look in the social-networking mirror that I realized it wasn't Facebook that I hated; it was the people on my friends list.
That being said, I've resolved to start holding my Facebook friends at a higher standard than I hold the idiots I interact with on a regular basis to. No, I'm not accepting your friend request because I met you once. No, I'm not wishing you a happy birthday because we had a poli-sci discussion together. And, as any girl with high standards would do, I've compiled a grand list to help me clean house.
PEOPLE I CAN'T WAIT TO DELETE FROM MY FACEBOOK:
1. Religious Zealots
With the most recent religious holiday being Easter, I was afforded a wonderful chance to see which of my idiot friends decided to post the generic statuses, including but not limited to: "He is RISEN!" "PRAISE BE!" "HAVE A BLESSED EASTER EVERYONE!" I would normally walk away from these people if I encountered them in real life, and I have no intention of abandoning my beliefs in cyber space. Nothing is ruder than people imposing their bigoted thoughts on others. I'm not against religion, per se, but I am against people throwing it in everyone else's face. Sunday mornings are also a fantastic time to clean house. The next time I have someone filling my news feed with the details of the "wonderful sermon today" I will be responding with a "delete."
2. People Who Post About Their Workouts
If there's one thing worse than people who impose their religion on others, it's people who brag about their workouts. I get it, you were chubby in high school and had a hard time finding actual penetration, and now that you've got a $10.00 a month gym membership, you're basically a personal trainer. Nobody fucking cares that you woke up at 6:00 this morning to have a protein shake and run 12 miles and now you're feeling great. First of all, the only times I've ever seen 6:00 in the morning have been the result of a serious bender. Second of all, I would be feeling suicidal after a 12 mile run, not great, it's fucking freezing out and it's still only 7:00 am. Also, I'm sure it must be lonely at the top, because now that you've discovered this whole new world of super fitness, the only pictures you can post are of you, alone, in front of a mirror trying to flex, but actually just looking constipated. I don't want to see the picture of your new cross trainers. I could give a fuck less that you are "going to class, then CROSSFIT! It's a way of life, gotta do it." Shut the fuck up. I work out too. I mainly have been focusing on the upper body lately - swiping a credit card and bending my elbow to re-hydrate myself with wine (it's just grape juice that grew up to be awesome). Either way, I have zero problem keeping it to myself, and everyone else should take note (as usual. I'm infallible).
3. Anyone who says "YOLO"
It's no secret, I've hit my mid-twenties with grace. I am no longer a young buck, and am becoming the older, more mature, Jackie O of my generation with ease. I had a rude awakening when I was home in CT for Christmas about just how old I am; you know you're getting old when you no longer have contact with any hometown drug dealers. I digress. I felt completely out of the loop on this entire "YOLO" phase. It took me a few days, and a few painful conversations with an idiot I worked with, to learn that YOLO is an acronym for "You Only Live Once." In true degenerate fashion, people have taken advantage of this phrase to justify their idiotic actions. Example: "getting wasted tonight instead of studying. YOLO" "running from the police. YOLO." I'm going to ignore the fact that "You Only Live Once" is a four word, five syllable phrase that has never needed an acronym. Either way, each time someone decides to update their status including the phrase "YOLO" I will be updating my friends list, sans them.
4. "Self Portrait" People
Try as I might, I can't ignore the fact that we are the generation of celebrated mediocrity. Oh, you watch the show Cake Boss on TLC? You'll probably open your own bakery too, since you're so good with box-made cupcakes. You own a digital camera? You're a photographer, and I can totally tell by the album you posted on Facebook of off-center pictures of trees you put in sepia! I cringe every time I see anything like this, but I've gotten used to it. What I can't get used to are the Myspace-style mirror pictures. I swear to fucking God, the next time a mirror picture pops up on my news feed, DELETE. Anyone can make themselves look attractive while making a stupid face into a mirror and holding your i-Phone in a downward direction. Who do you think you are, Snooki? Get over yourself. If your self-esteem is so low that you need to take pictures of yourself in hopes that someone will comment how pretty you are, I can't handle you as my friend to begin with. Hellen Keller could see that if self-assurance is what you seek, you're probably better off not being my friend.
5. "I'm in a Normal, Functional Relationship and I LOVE Telling Everyone."
I hate romance, I hate sentiment, and I hate people who throw their relationship in everyone's face. Nothing is wrong with posting photographs of the happy couple, but everything is wrong with gloating all over your status about how perfect your relationship is. "I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND SO MUCH." good for you, Daddy issues. Nobody gives a fuck how perfect your little relationship is, and I could not care less that you just celebrated your two week anniversary. The only thing I want to hear about are engagements (with a close-up of the ring, so I can judge), and divorce announcements, because nothing makes me happier than murder, gore, and failed relationships.
And stop posting those stupid memes and Jenna Marbles videos. Both insist upon themselves, and neither are all that great.
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