Somewhere between recovering from last weekend's vodka-induced-fall-induced concussion and putting my anti-aging cream on last night, I had a harsh realization: I'm growing up. and it's fucking terrifying. Not physically, actually, seeing as how I've been the same size since 6th grade (which would be quite convenient if Limited Too had provided classic and timeless clothing styles), but in actual real-world terms: I'm getting old. As I rubbed my anti-wrinkle night cream onto my face (a night-time ritual I encourage any female over the age of 16 to do), I had a minor anxiety attack because I only have 2 years until I can justifiably start lying about my age. This whole mid-twenties situation is starting to freak me the fuck out. After I finished applying eye serum, I took a long look in the mirror. Not only did I determine I am super proud of myself and my preventative measures in the fight against signs of visible aging, but I need to make a move, and fast, as to what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.
This may sound like a daunting concept, but I would also like to point out this is coming from the girl who had her first mid-life crisis at the tender age of 13. I'm getting super irritated by the fact that I'm no longer allowed to change my major every other week, and I should probably start thinking about annoying adult words such as "stability" and "career" and "moderate drinking." My plans up to this point had been: marry a royal (and I haven't even met Harry yet), win the lottery, or become involved in an elaborate blackmail scheme that I profit millions of dollars from. Since neither of these highly realistic options have panned out, and clearly I've slept with all the wrong people (otherwise I'd be ultra famous by now, and have a high-end vodka named after me), I've compiled a list of possible career options for me:
1. Wedding Planner Extraordinaire
I'm not referring to your average wedding, with the guest list and the cake and the flowers and the lame ass toasts. I'm referring to a new target audience: red necks, white trash, and the lower middle class. I plan on getting ordained to be a justice of the peace, and I plan on officiating the ceremony as well as planning it. What's my big selling point? FANTASTIC THEMES, that's what it is. So, you want a pirate wedding? I will provide a swash-buckling event! Everything will be pirate, including your ceremony itself, which I will perform in my best pirate-speak. I will even pay some homeless people to pillage (not rape, this is a wedding) your reception site! I've got millions of ideas for hilariously tacky weddings, and I figure if I can offer everything for about $1000, I would be able to build up a pretty big following of idiots who don't know any better. The best part, of course, will be the fact that I'm making a mockery of the couple's nuptials without them realizing it. Ironically ruining the most important day of some people's lives should be quite profitable. And enjoyable.
2. Photographer
I realize that I have zero background in photography, but I have a natural gift. It's called the ability to download Instagram. Isn't that what everyone else is doing these days?
3. Life Coach
In case you haven't realized it, I'm fucking brilliant. I hate everything unreasonable, and I have a wonderful grasp on reality (aside from my enormous sense of entitlement, which I don't feel is irrational at all; I'm entitled to believe I should have everything I want). I feel as though the world would be a better place if people would let me guide their decisions. There would be fewer toxic relationships, fewer children with dumb, trendy, misspelled names, and Southern accents may be rendered obsolete. I'm a little unsure of why people haven't been paying me to coach their every move already, but if you're interested, I'm available.
4. Stand Up Comedy
Actually, this is going to happen. I'm just so lazy.
5. Funeral Planner
If I can plan an excellent themed wedding, I'm positive I could plan one hell of a themed funeral. Oh, themed funerals are disrespectful? I disagree. I think it's disrespectful to the dead by crying. I hate when people cry around me, mostly because I have the emotional availability of a mailbox. I also think the whole "wear black, cry, go back to someone's house and eat casseroles" thing is so over-played. I hate to break it to you, but everyone dies. I see a funeral as a challenge. Essentially, you only get one, and it's the only party with guaranteed attendance you'll ever have. Why not throw a great one? I feel as though I could create an entirely new market with themed funeral planning. Not only would I be able to console the terminally ill/elderly/morbidly obese with the idea that their loved ones will be having a blast in their honor, but I'll distract them from impending doom. Let's face it, funerals are a drag. I intend to change that.
6. Vodka Promoter
I'm actually still waiting for Three Olives to get back to me. I should probably up it to 25 e-mails a week instead of 20, I'm sure the others aren't getting through to the right people.
7. Best selling Author
I should probably just write a book.
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