I Have Enough Friends, and I Hate Most of them 99% of the Time Already

As if I can't add enough items to the ever-growing list of things that make me want to gauge my eyes out with a staple, I had a brief moment in time where I thought I hated Facebook.  I grew angry reading through my news feed (which changes every four seconds, by the way.  Annoying).  I became irate every time someone tagged me in a picture.  A wall post?  Go fuck yourself.

It wasn't until I took a long hard look in the social-networking mirror that I realized it wasn't Facebook that I hated; it was the people on my friends list.

That being said, I've resolved to start holding my Facebook friends at a higher standard than I hold the idiots I interact with on a regular basis to.  No, I'm not accepting your friend request because I met you once.  No, I'm not wishing you a happy birthday because we had a poli-sci discussion together.  And, as any girl with high standards would do, I've compiled a grand list to help me clean house.

PEOPLE I CAN'T WAIT TO DELETE FROM MY FACEBOOK:

1.  Religious Zealots
With the most recent religious holiday being Easter, I was afforded a wonderful chance to see which of my idiot friends decided to post the generic statuses, including but not limited to:  "He is RISEN!"  "PRAISE BE!"  "HAVE A BLESSED EASTER EVERYONE!"  I would normally walk away from these people if I encountered them in real life, and I have no intention of abandoning my beliefs in cyber space.  Nothing is ruder than people imposing their bigoted thoughts on others.  I'm not against religion, per se, but I am against people throwing it in everyone else's face.  Sunday mornings are also a fantastic time to clean house.  The next time I have someone filling my news feed with the details of the "wonderful sermon today" I will be responding with a "delete." 

2.  People Who Post About Their Workouts
If there's one thing worse than people who impose their religion on others, it's people who brag about their workouts.  I get it, you were chubby in high school and had a hard time finding actual penetration, and now that you've got a $10.00 a month gym membership, you're basically a personal trainer.  Nobody fucking cares that you woke up at 6:00 this morning to have a protein shake and run 12 miles and now you're feeling great.  First of all, the only times I've ever seen 6:00 in the morning have been the result of a serious bender.  Second of all, I would be feeling suicidal after a 12 mile run, not great, it's fucking freezing out and it's still only 7:00 am.  Also, I'm sure it must be lonely at the top, because now that you've discovered this whole new world of super fitness, the only pictures you can post are of you, alone, in front of a mirror trying to flex, but actually just looking constipated.  I don't want to see the picture of your new cross trainers.  I could give a fuck less that you are "going to class, then CROSSFIT!  It's a way of life, gotta do it."  Shut the fuck up.  I work out too.  I mainly have been focusing on the upper body lately - swiping a credit card and bending my elbow to re-hydrate myself with wine (it's just grape juice that grew up to be awesome).  Either way, I have zero problem keeping it to myself, and everyone else should take note (as usual.  I'm infallible).

3.  Anyone who says "YOLO"
It's no secret, I've hit my mid-twenties with grace.  I am no longer a young buck, and am becoming the older, more mature, Jackie O of my generation with ease.  I had a rude awakening when I was home in CT for Christmas about just how old I am; you know you're getting old when you no longer have contact with any hometown drug dealers.  I digress.   I felt completely out of the loop on this entire "YOLO" phase.  It took me a few days, and a few painful conversations with an idiot I worked with, to learn that YOLO is an acronym for "You Only Live Once."  In true degenerate fashion, people have taken advantage of this phrase to justify their idiotic actions.  Example:  "getting wasted tonight instead of studying.  YOLO"  "running from the police.  YOLO."  I'm going to ignore the fact that "You Only Live Once" is a four word, five syllable phrase that has never needed an acronym.  Either way, each time someone decides to update their status including the phrase "YOLO" I will be updating my friends list, sans them.

4.  "Self Portrait" People
 Try as I might, I can't ignore the fact that we are the generation of celebrated mediocrity.  Oh, you watch the show Cake Boss on TLC?  You'll probably open your own bakery too, since you're so good with box-made cupcakes.  You own a digital camera?  You're a photographer, and I can totally tell by the album you posted on Facebook of off-center pictures of trees you put in sepia!  I cringe every time I see anything like this, but I've gotten used to it.  What I can't get used to are the Myspace-style mirror pictures.  I swear to fucking God, the next time a mirror picture pops up on my news feed, DELETE.  Anyone can make themselves look attractive while making a stupid face into a mirror and holding your i-Phone in a downward direction.  Who do you think you are, Snooki?  Get over yourself.  If your self-esteem is so low that you need to take pictures of yourself in hopes that someone will comment how pretty you are, I can't handle you as my friend to begin with.  Hellen Keller could see that if self-assurance is what you seek, you're probably better off not being my friend.

5.  "I'm in a Normal, Functional Relationship and I LOVE Telling Everyone."
I hate  romance, I hate sentiment, and I hate people who throw their relationship in everyone's face.  Nothing is wrong with posting photographs of the happy couple, but everything is wrong with gloating all over your status about how perfect your relationship is.  "I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND SO MUCH." good for you, Daddy issues.  Nobody gives a fuck how perfect your little relationship is, and I could not care less that you just celebrated your two week anniversary.  The only thing I want to hear about are engagements (with a close-up of the ring, so I can judge), and divorce announcements, because nothing makes me happier than murder, gore, and failed relationships.

And stop posting those stupid memes and Jenna Marbles videos.  Both insist upon themselves, and neither are all that great.