Alright people, the cast list of the next season of Dancing With the Stars has been released, and I'm almost positive a better name for the show would be "Dancing With (people who at one point have had sex with/spoken to/or are related to) The Stars". Srsly.
For those of you who care about pop culture and celebrities as much as I do (and I don't expect that to be many of you, after all, it took be HOURS to construct my wall-shrine to Britney Spears in my dorm room sophomore year...that's dedication most other people would have contributed to studying or something gross), the cast list is far beyond disappointing:
1. Chaz Bono
I get, son of Cher. I get it. Your mother is a legend (she's part of my holy trinity of worship, accompanied by Britney -duh- and Dolly Parton). And, oh, he is a transgendered American. I am not discounting the value of resources he has provided for millions of people through his books, motivational speeches, and Emmy-nominated documentary "Becoming Chaz." I am, however, positive the only reason Chaz Bono is famous is because his mother is, duh, the freaking queen of the world. If he's famous just because he's had gender reassignment surgery, there is an entirely different level of wrong associated with that - millions of Americans each year go through the counseling and surgery required to change their sex, and many of them write books and counsel others on the subject matter. I do support Chaz for using his own real-life experience to provide advocacy and support for millions of others, but I don't feel his celebrity status is deserved. Sadly, Chaz is the celebrity I find most famous and most well known out of the entire cast, which really isn't saying much. However, Chaz Bono deserving fame because his mother is a pop culture icon and he had a surgery to become who he was meant to be is similar to saying one of the Kardashian sisters gained fame because she had a father who defended a wife killer and later in life made a sex tape.
Speaking of Kardashians...
2. Rob Kardashian
Srsly? Yes, we've all seen Rob Kardashian on that reality show on E! (Keeping up With the Kardashians/Khloe and Lamar/Kourtney and Kim Take New York/Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami/E! True Hollywood Story: The Kardashians), but what contribution has he really made? He stares blankly at the camera and slowly drags out his last syllable of whatever asinine words he strings together and calls a statement. Oh, apparently he is part of a modeling campaign for a clothing line featured at Wal-Mart/K-Mart/Salvation Army. I don't care. He's lucky his older sister banged Reggie Bush.
3. Ricki Lake
The only thing I know about Ricki Lake is that she once hosted a show, and I used to change the channel every time it came on TV when I was lying on the couch, home sick from elementary school. I don't know where the hell she's been hibernating for the past 15 years, but I hope she at least emerges with a better haircut.
4. Kristin Cavallari
I used to watch Laguna Beach, and I hated this bitch. I dislike her use of mis-matching bikini tops and bottoms, and I further dislike her whiny tone when she used to talk to her boyfriend "Steeeeee-phennnnn". Apparently she was engaged to an NFL player, and the engagement was broken off. The only reason I can fathom her getting a spot on DWTS is that it was some type of consolation; Lauren Conrad got her own spin off, and all this girl got was a cocaine addiction.
5. Elisabetta Canalis
Really, we're so out of legitimate stars here we now have to import them to learn the foxtrot on national tv? I get it, she slept with George Clooney consistently for two years. Okay, what else? Oh, that's it? Great. I don't care.
6. Ron Artest
Okay, fantastic, let's put a professional athlete with anger issues on display for everyone to judge. My guess is that after Bruno gives him one bad score, heads will roll. No, seriously. There will be blood. Also, if you're best known for beating up a fan, are you really that famous? Why can't we get someone that was known for their talent? Where the hell are LeBron and Kobe? Oh, they're working.
7. Chynna Phillips
Apparently she was a part of a band. To be honest with you, I thought it was the girl from former professional wrestling fame. Publicity fail.
8. David Arquette
Oh, you know, the guy who was married to Courtney Cox and then became an alcoholic who dated strippers? Exactly. What about that previous statement enticed you to want to watch him waltz across your tv?
9. J.R. Martinez
He served in Iraq and then used his fame (he was burned over 40% of his body) to get a role on a soap opera, where he plays himself. Who would have thought enlisting to serve your country would later result in you embarassing yourself all over national tv? Has the military disability pension gotten so bad that veterans are resorting to "acting" on daytime TV?
10. Carson Kressley
He was on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." If he doesn't know how to dance, I've lost all faith in humanity.
11. Hope Solo
You might recognize her from this past year's women's world cup. And yep, that's about all you would recognize her from.
12. Nancy Grace
Sadly, she's probably most recognizable from the cast. She has that incredibly un-biased and deep talk show that discusses current issues, such as the Casey Anthony trial. Once in a while, she takes a break from talking about Casey Anthony to talk about her twins. When she's not talking about "Tot Mom", Grace is a former prosecuter from Georgia. If there's anything I hate more than Republicans, it's the South, which would imply that I intristically hate Nancy Grace. It's true. I can't stand that bitch. I hope she breaks her ankle, falls off the stage, dislocates her shoulder, and is unable to work for at least 3 months. As an extra slap in the face, I hope HLN replaces her show with The Rachel Maddow Show, just for shiggles (that's a combination of shits and giggles).
Needless to say, I will be a devout follower of the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars. But, I won't be a huge supporter of the cast. If you need to be related to someone who's well known, or have formerly slept with someone who's well known, you're doing something wrong. What's worse is that I'm sure DWTS will catapult these people into fame...just look at what it did for Ralph Macchio - he was a semi-finalist, and now he's Lady GaGa's fashion icon.
My ideal season of DWTS would include: Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, Sandra Bullock, Ashton Kutcher, Snooki, and all of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's children. And Suri Cruise. Duh. Love her.
Why can't that cast happen? Oh, right, they're all busy actually being famous. Le sigh.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
If There Hadn't Been a Tribute to Britney, the VMA's Would Have Been More Disappointing than the First Time I Had Sex.
If you follow me on Twitter (which you should, by the way @EngelBitch, it's phenomenal), you would know that I generally share mindless thoughts on miscellaneous issues. I promise, I will never discuss politics or anything deep. For crying out loud, I recently tweeted (by the way, follow me on Twitter: @EngelBitch) about having anxiety over fall manicure trends...clearly I am no authority on political agenda.
However, my assessments of society are always fantastic.
One of the most paramount nights in entertainment occurred this evening: MTV's Video Music Awards. The VMA stages of years past have seen some of the most controversial and ground-breaking events in entertainment: Madonna made out with Britney, Lady GaGa hung from a suspension wire while dripping with stage blood, and Taylor Swift got put in her place by an inebriated Kanye West (that was a totally unbiased statement, obviously). Naturally, I was prepping for tonight to be raucous, awe-inspiring, and generally so out of control that Michele Bachmann would be unable to sleep for weeks after hearing about it (and would hopefully commit suicide because she can't stand to live in a country that supports this type of debauchery - ok sorry, my one political plug).
I was terribly disappointed. I watched the entire pre-show, all of the performances, and all of the presentations of awards, and was left with one question:
What the fuck MTV?
The one aspect of tonight's show that I did approve of was the pre-show, actually. I really enjoyed Selena Gomez, as I find her adorable, and also because I'm slightly jealous she's getting it in with Justin Bieber (let's be honest, we would all tap that). I'll admit it, I had fun watching her interview her own little teenage-heartthrob beau, and was impressed with how professional she was trying to be. I also enjoyed the preshow because it was fun watching the celebrities arrive in, well, not in style, that's for sure.
As much as I like Nicki Minaj, I really don't understand what was going on with her outfit, and if anyone tries to feed me some bullshit about it being "for her craft" or "an artistic statement", no, you're wrong. Her look was a cross between having a seizure in a Toys 'R Us and having a seizure in an arts and crafts tent at a day camp. While hers is the only look that comes to mind at the moment, I will stand firmly in my ground that there was nothing spectacular about anyone's look for the night, especially, the opening performer's:
FUCKING LADY GAGA.
Not only was I expecting a grander entrance, but I was expecting a better performance. Yes, vocally, she sounded great. Par for the course. But, for someone who has committed suicide in a leotard fit for the drag-queen show version of Black Swan, hatched out of an egg, and performed on a custom-made piano (alongside ELTON JOHN, no less), she seriously disappointed tonight. First of all, what the hell compelled her to dress up in drag and NOT have a costume change? I felt a little lost tonight without her crazy outfits and headpieces (and no, Katy Perry did NOT fill the void for me). Yes, I get it, she was dressing up as the ex-boyfriend who wronged her and motivated her to become the star she is today. But really? Staying like that the entire night? Want to know what I did the last time I had an ex-boyfriend wrong me? I got a super awesome set of boobs and slept with his arch nemesis, as any other self-respecting female would do. Aside from her apalling look, her performance wasn't anything spectacular either. Essentially, the theatrics came down to smoking a cigarette and pouring a bottle of beer on people. I used to pull shenanigans like that all the time, and that time was called when I was ages 15-19, and those antics only occurred when I was already black out drunk (still not sorry about that, if I poured beer on you, you fucking deserved it). Regardless, she did not set the tone for a very interesting show.
This year, MTV chose to not have a host for the show, which, given the implication that the would-be host was Kevin Hart, was an excellent idea. His opening stand-up presentation was beyond horrid. That man has worse delivery than a blind obstetrician. I was uncomfortable during his short quip, and I can't even imagine how the rest of the audience felt. When you're opening up with "Hey Lil Wayne, you're black, stop skateboarding", you're pretty much doomed. The skits in between commercial breaks weren't much better, but it's evident that Hart works better with scripted, rehearsed and filmed material. Also, we get it. Rick Ross is the boss. Speaking of Rick Ross, his introduction of Pitbull with Paul Rudd was absolutely terrible. The two started with a semi-promising banter about how they frequently get confused for one another, and then stopped the dead pan to say "and now presenting Pitbull." Well. Alright then.
Speaking of presenters (see what I did there?), Miley Cyrus didn't disappoint me in the awful looks department tonight. Cyrus abandoned her usual wardrobe of ill-fitting cutoffs or a mini-dress of an unflattering tone and decided to stick with a grey-patterned full length gown. With her hair tightly pulled back, Miley looked terrible. Maybe she sported such a modest look because she's trying to revamp her image as an "entertainer" but, let's be honest here, no matter how many nun-resembling outfits she wears, nobody is going to forget about the slutty cell phone pictures or the time she pole-danced in front of six year olds. The damage is done bitch. Own your skank status and werk.
The night was essentially one disappointing performance after the other. I am a huge Kanye West fan. I am also a huge Jay Z fan. I really enjoy their collaborations, and I did enjoy their performance of otis. However, whether it was the under-stated outfits or the lack of theatrics, they provided a lackluster performance. Pitbull was alright, but I can't say he did anything ground-breaking or memorable. The immensely gifted Adele put on an awe-inspiring display of vocals, but that was it. There was zero performance. She stood in front of a microphone and sang. Yes, her voice is beautiful, but come on, girl, do something slutty or throw glitter into the audience...your performance was more of a lullaby and less of a show. It's undeniable that Chris Brown put on a fabulous dance performance. However, without live vocals to accompany it, I found it way more blase` than it could have been.
I did, however, thoroughly enjoy Beyonce's performance. She sounded great and looked fantastic, as did Bruno Mars in his Amy Winehouse tribute. Maybe I'm a sucker for large-scale productions, but those two performances were the only ones of the night that I felt were up to caliber of an award's show.
I cannot say the same of Lil Wayne, who I was really hoping would end the night with a performance so epic I would be able to forget everything else that went wrong with the evening. I understand that "How to Love" is his new single, but starting his performance with a ballad was not the best idea. I really feel that by adding a little more to his performance in the way of set design would have helped him out. Unfortunately, the awards show itself dragged too much for Weezy to salvage it on his own.
I have mixed feelings on the Britney Spears tribute. I thought the dancing was fantastic, but I would have liked to see a few live vocal contributions from some current artists. It's Britney, God damnit. There is always a way to do more for the queen. However, I am thrilled that she received the awards that she did, and that she was paid a tribute at all. I have ALWAYS been a loyal Britney fan, and am overjoyed that she has received recognition for the contributions to pop music and culture she has made throughout her career.
Overall, I was really left hanging by this year's VMA show. I had a decent amount of excitement built up with the pre-show, and then was significantly let down once the opening acts inched their way in. Nothing became more exciting as the show got into full swing, and the end was severely anti-climatic. I wasn't left in awe and I wasn't seeing stars when it was finished. Sadly, I was searching for the remote...which, incidentally, led me to realize the entire evening paralleled another situation in my life that had a lot of build up and little enjoyment.
Shame on you, MTV.
PS
Follow me on Twitter : http://twitter.com/#!/EngelBitch
Oh, and I started a Youtube channel. Weeee : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvtMDzFQzUE&feature=channel_video_title
However, my assessments of society are always fantastic.
One of the most paramount nights in entertainment occurred this evening: MTV's Video Music Awards. The VMA stages of years past have seen some of the most controversial and ground-breaking events in entertainment: Madonna made out with Britney, Lady GaGa hung from a suspension wire while dripping with stage blood, and Taylor Swift got put in her place by an inebriated Kanye West (that was a totally unbiased statement, obviously). Naturally, I was prepping for tonight to be raucous, awe-inspiring, and generally so out of control that Michele Bachmann would be unable to sleep for weeks after hearing about it (and would hopefully commit suicide because she can't stand to live in a country that supports this type of debauchery - ok sorry, my one political plug).
I was terribly disappointed. I watched the entire pre-show, all of the performances, and all of the presentations of awards, and was left with one question:
What the fuck MTV?
The one aspect of tonight's show that I did approve of was the pre-show, actually. I really enjoyed Selena Gomez, as I find her adorable, and also because I'm slightly jealous she's getting it in with Justin Bieber (let's be honest, we would all tap that). I'll admit it, I had fun watching her interview her own little teenage-heartthrob beau, and was impressed with how professional she was trying to be. I also enjoyed the preshow because it was fun watching the celebrities arrive in, well, not in style, that's for sure.
As much as I like Nicki Minaj, I really don't understand what was going on with her outfit, and if anyone tries to feed me some bullshit about it being "for her craft" or "an artistic statement", no, you're wrong. Her look was a cross between having a seizure in a Toys 'R Us and having a seizure in an arts and crafts tent at a day camp. While hers is the only look that comes to mind at the moment, I will stand firmly in my ground that there was nothing spectacular about anyone's look for the night, especially, the opening performer's:
FUCKING LADY GAGA.
Not only was I expecting a grander entrance, but I was expecting a better performance. Yes, vocally, she sounded great. Par for the course. But, for someone who has committed suicide in a leotard fit for the drag-queen show version of Black Swan, hatched out of an egg, and performed on a custom-made piano (alongside ELTON JOHN, no less), she seriously disappointed tonight. First of all, what the hell compelled her to dress up in drag and NOT have a costume change? I felt a little lost tonight without her crazy outfits and headpieces (and no, Katy Perry did NOT fill the void for me). Yes, I get it, she was dressing up as the ex-boyfriend who wronged her and motivated her to become the star she is today. But really? Staying like that the entire night? Want to know what I did the last time I had an ex-boyfriend wrong me? I got a super awesome set of boobs and slept with his arch nemesis, as any other self-respecting female would do. Aside from her apalling look, her performance wasn't anything spectacular either. Essentially, the theatrics came down to smoking a cigarette and pouring a bottle of beer on people. I used to pull shenanigans like that all the time, and that time was called when I was ages 15-19, and those antics only occurred when I was already black out drunk (still not sorry about that, if I poured beer on you, you fucking deserved it). Regardless, she did not set the tone for a very interesting show.
This year, MTV chose to not have a host for the show, which, given the implication that the would-be host was Kevin Hart, was an excellent idea. His opening stand-up presentation was beyond horrid. That man has worse delivery than a blind obstetrician. I was uncomfortable during his short quip, and I can't even imagine how the rest of the audience felt. When you're opening up with "Hey Lil Wayne, you're black, stop skateboarding", you're pretty much doomed. The skits in between commercial breaks weren't much better, but it's evident that Hart works better with scripted, rehearsed and filmed material. Also, we get it. Rick Ross is the boss. Speaking of Rick Ross, his introduction of Pitbull with Paul Rudd was absolutely terrible. The two started with a semi-promising banter about how they frequently get confused for one another, and then stopped the dead pan to say "and now presenting Pitbull." Well. Alright then.
Speaking of presenters (see what I did there?), Miley Cyrus didn't disappoint me in the awful looks department tonight. Cyrus abandoned her usual wardrobe of ill-fitting cutoffs or a mini-dress of an unflattering tone and decided to stick with a grey-patterned full length gown. With her hair tightly pulled back, Miley looked terrible. Maybe she sported such a modest look because she's trying to revamp her image as an "entertainer" but, let's be honest here, no matter how many nun-resembling outfits she wears, nobody is going to forget about the slutty cell phone pictures or the time she pole-danced in front of six year olds. The damage is done bitch. Own your skank status and werk.
The night was essentially one disappointing performance after the other. I am a huge Kanye West fan. I am also a huge Jay Z fan. I really enjoy their collaborations, and I did enjoy their performance of otis. However, whether it was the under-stated outfits or the lack of theatrics, they provided a lackluster performance. Pitbull was alright, but I can't say he did anything ground-breaking or memorable. The immensely gifted Adele put on an awe-inspiring display of vocals, but that was it. There was zero performance. She stood in front of a microphone and sang. Yes, her voice is beautiful, but come on, girl, do something slutty or throw glitter into the audience...your performance was more of a lullaby and less of a show. It's undeniable that Chris Brown put on a fabulous dance performance. However, without live vocals to accompany it, I found it way more blase` than it could have been.
I did, however, thoroughly enjoy Beyonce's performance. She sounded great and looked fantastic, as did Bruno Mars in his Amy Winehouse tribute. Maybe I'm a sucker for large-scale productions, but those two performances were the only ones of the night that I felt were up to caliber of an award's show.
I cannot say the same of Lil Wayne, who I was really hoping would end the night with a performance so epic I would be able to forget everything else that went wrong with the evening. I understand that "How to Love" is his new single, but starting his performance with a ballad was not the best idea. I really feel that by adding a little more to his performance in the way of set design would have helped him out. Unfortunately, the awards show itself dragged too much for Weezy to salvage it on his own.
I have mixed feelings on the Britney Spears tribute. I thought the dancing was fantastic, but I would have liked to see a few live vocal contributions from some current artists. It's Britney, God damnit. There is always a way to do more for the queen. However, I am thrilled that she received the awards that she did, and that she was paid a tribute at all. I have ALWAYS been a loyal Britney fan, and am overjoyed that she has received recognition for the contributions to pop music and culture she has made throughout her career.
Overall, I was really left hanging by this year's VMA show. I had a decent amount of excitement built up with the pre-show, and then was significantly let down once the opening acts inched their way in. Nothing became more exciting as the show got into full swing, and the end was severely anti-climatic. I wasn't left in awe and I wasn't seeing stars when it was finished. Sadly, I was searching for the remote...which, incidentally, led me to realize the entire evening paralleled another situation in my life that had a lot of build up and little enjoyment.
Shame on you, MTV.
PS
Follow me on Twitter : http://twitter.com/#!/EngelBitch
Oh, and I started a Youtube channel. Weeee : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvtMDzFQzUE&feature=channel_video_title
Friday, August 19, 2011
STOP. With. The Movie Quotes.
Ah, cinema. There's no debate it's one of the greatest innovations of technological society, akin to the motor vehicle and the Rabbit vibrator. It's entertaining, and has ways of bringing people together. It can be both thought provoking (I'm still getting over Inception. I think my head exploded) and mindless (Pineapple Express can make anyone's day seem less stressful). Also, it can be incessently over referenced.
Allow me to elaborate.
Sometimes, there is nothing more enjoyable than catching up with a few good friends over a bottle (or two or three or four) of tequila. It's fun to reminisce on the good old days, and to discuss current events in each other's lives (never religion or politics, it's a cardinal rule, and one I wholly endorse). There are always laughs to be had and memories to be made.
From the same vein, there is nothing more fucking overdone and irritating than sitting at a table of people who rely on humor stolen from films. It's unoriginal, it's too common, and it's not entertaining anymore.
The next time I am at a barbeque and someone stands at the edge of the pool and says "I have an announcement to make...CANNONBALL!" I will find another place to put my kebob skewer entirely. Seriously? You throwing yourself into 6 feet of chlorinated water was of such paramount importance you needed to interrupt everyone to quote Will Ferrell? I highly doubt it.
Much as I mislead people daily into thinking I'm moderately attractive with the highly skilled use of MAC, thousands of people trick others into believing their humorous by inserting movie quotes into conversation. In doing so, all they have proven to their company is their cunning ability to relate a situation. Oh, you're pressuring someone with a gag reflex to shotgun a beer and you quote Beerfest (I remember my first beer!)? How. Fucking. Inspired.
Quote Tolstoy for all I care. Just please. Please. I beg you. Stop trying to convince people you're funny by quoting multi million dollar box office smashes.
Allow me to elaborate.
Sometimes, there is nothing more enjoyable than catching up with a few good friends over a bottle (or two or three or four) of tequila. It's fun to reminisce on the good old days, and to discuss current events in each other's lives (never religion or politics, it's a cardinal rule, and one I wholly endorse). There are always laughs to be had and memories to be made.
From the same vein, there is nothing more fucking overdone and irritating than sitting at a table of people who rely on humor stolen from films. It's unoriginal, it's too common, and it's not entertaining anymore.
The next time I am at a barbeque and someone stands at the edge of the pool and says "I have an announcement to make...CANNONBALL!" I will find another place to put my kebob skewer entirely. Seriously? You throwing yourself into 6 feet of chlorinated water was of such paramount importance you needed to interrupt everyone to quote Will Ferrell? I highly doubt it.
Much as I mislead people daily into thinking I'm moderately attractive with the highly skilled use of MAC, thousands of people trick others into believing their humorous by inserting movie quotes into conversation. In doing so, all they have proven to their company is their cunning ability to relate a situation. Oh, you're pressuring someone with a gag reflex to shotgun a beer and you quote Beerfest (I remember my first beer!)? How. Fucking. Inspired.
Quote Tolstoy for all I care. Just please. Please. I beg you. Stop trying to convince people you're funny by quoting multi million dollar box office smashes.
Why Your Past Relationships Didn't Work and Your Future Ones Won't Either.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and have also been watching a lot of Sex & The City. I used to make the same mistakes in relationships, and would always wonder why the results were less than desired. It hasn't been until recently that I've been able to pinpoint my main fumbles. If you're smart, you will agree with me, and learn from my mistakes.
1. You Couldn't Embrace a Change
New relationships are supposed to be just that - new. Inherently so, would come with all the bells and whistles that new items come with. I truly believe that any type of romantic endeavor is comparable to something really foreign, like hot yoga or a distant relative's wake: if you're in your comfort zone from the beginning, you're doing it wrong. Sure, you might feel comfortable with somebody from the get go (which is a good sign) but if you're lacking the excitement and the wonder that comes with the unknown, run away. Fast.
Comfortable can lead to boring quicker than you can spell "L.L. Bean."
2. You Couldn't Accept the Past
I'd be lying if I said I've never compared myself to someone's ex. I'd also be lying if I said I'd never modified my number when it came to the point in the relationship where that topic came to the forefront. There are some things in your past that need to stay there, just ask any celebrity with a sex tape.
However, there are some inevitable tid bits of history that will arise.
Yes, there were people before you, and yes, more than likely, there will be people after. The quicker you learn this, and learn how to deal with it, the better. If you spend too much time dwelling on what your new flame did before you, you'll miss out on all the great things he or she could be doing with you. Besides, ask anyone that's been with me...sometimes having past experiences comes with benefits that everyone can enjoy.
What irritates me are the people who publicly bash their new partner's ex. Regardless of what your new lover has told you about his or her ex, it's a one-sided story, and therefor, it's half true. I guarantee that nobody wants to have the worst in them put on display after a breakup. When girls constantly speak of how their boyfriend's ex is such a (psycho, stalker, bitch, control freak - you name it), it's also important they consider what their golden-boy lover could have done to contribute to this. Nobody's perfect, and relationships consist of two people. For every time I've gotten called crazy, there has also been a drunk baffoon who refused to answer his cell phone because he "accidentally" left it at home while he was at another girl's house, thus forcing me to drive by aforementioned other girls house in one of my friend's cars wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap, and then find a way to break into the scarlet woman's hosue and go psycho on his ass, that made me that way.
Bottom line: consider the source. Listen to the whole story when someone complains about their ex. I remember when I started dating my ex boyfriend (I was in a state conducive to scenario #4), he talked about how his ex had been such a bitch and had treated him so badly. I have to say after dating him for a few months, I can totally see where she was coming from.
3. You Created a Relationship Based on Comparisons
If there's one thing I despise more than people who marry their high school sweethearts, it's people who become the ridiculous "anti-ex" when in a relationship. We all know these people, and chances are we've probably been one at point or another, and have probably dated one at one point or another (but hopefully not on multiple occassions). I will pose a scenario to which you all will be able to relate, I'm sure.
Sally and Jack are on their first date. Jack has just gotten out of a long term relationship, and Sally is a whore. Jack is settling into his new, single-guy lifestyle. He's finally rid of the burdens his ex placed on him (and vice versa). Mid date, the topic of past relationships is breached. Jack delves into what used to annoy him about his ex, everything from little quirks to major differences (religion, politics, etc). Jaded by the idea that someone is actually interested in her (see #4), Sally quickly reassures Jack that she is none of these things he holds in such disdain; she is, in fact, the exact opposite. Jack's ex-girlfriend loved to shop. Therefor, Sally hates it! Jack's ex loved little dogs, so, Sally hates them, and will never harbor any canine with a stature smaller than that of a St. Bernard. Jack's ex always took hours to get ready before going out, and now, Jackpot!! (terrible pun, and I'm not sorry about it), Sally is a no-makeup, hair in a pony tail kind of girl. Sounds as if they are a perfect match, right?
Wrong, you idiots.
What people need to realize is that when they open the "ex file" they also open all the emotional baggage (generally filled with dirty laundry) that comes with it. Yes, the ex file may be part of your permanent record, but it doesn't need to be re-opened and evaluated before you re-enter the dating pool.
I'm not saying that you don't learn from past relationships, because, of course you do. I'm just saying that looking for somebody who is the exact opposite of your ex is never a good idea (unless of course, you're me, and we're talking about the guy I dated briefly in 2010, but that's because he was an abusive prick and a terrible person...however, I would like to note that I mainly opt for an aversion to the abusive part).
If someone is fresh out of a relationship, it is more than likely that he or she is still emotionally invested in the last one, whether the emotions are good or bad. For example, if the previous relationship ended badly, it is likely that both parties will tear apart their ex as part of the breakup recovery process, scrutinizing every move, decision and character trait of their ex, generally with pure contempt. Perhaps Jack and his ex girlfriend had gotten in a blow out before they broke up, and he needed to tear apart her every action in order to assure himself that his actions and reactions were justified. Maybe the relationship had already run its natural course, and little scenarios started irritating him. Or maybe they got in a terrible fight one day about how long it took his ex ready to go out, and the little dog bit Jack, all after his ex came back from shopping. Thus, a new partner that resembles their ex in no way, shape, or form seems as the most sensible solution to their past problems.
It's only so long into the relationship that Jack will realize that there was a reason he liked his ex in the first place, which will, subsequently, cause him to compare her to Sally again. It won't be long before he gets tired of the traits he once found so endearing.
It's only natural that this happens. I can't tell you how many times I thought someone would make a good boyfriend because he was the exact opposite of a boy I'd dated in the past. It's only a matter of time that you realize there's a person behind these superficial traits, and whether they own a Border Collie or not, you still have to deal with the person as a whole.
You can't construct a relationship around a comparison. Instead, you have to treat every relationship almost as if the ex's didn't exist - you have to look at the relationship as two people, not a collection of traits you can put on a Venn Diagram, with one circle labeled (love) and the other (hate), in respect to characteristics your exes had.
It's also important to not try and become the "anti-ex" person. I know, it's easy to sell yourself when you can pretend to be (or really are, trust me, I've dated plenty of guys who's exes had no clue how to do their makeup or give a good bitch face) the opposite of the person they just left. But pretty soon, it's time to face the facts: everyone will face a point in their relationship where you have to decide which traits are worth leaving over and which ones are worth glossing over. It's like I have always said to anyone who has complained to me about taking too long to get ready: you can't rush art. In other words, find meaning, not opposites, in new relationships.
3. You Were Desperate
How many times have you (or your friend who shall remain anonymous) dated somebody simply for something to do? You were at a point where you were feeling lonely and a little insecure, and maybe had spent the entire day on the couch watching Lifetime (you know, television for women who are too hungover to move from the couch all day), and then suddenly BAM, you have a text message from that random bro you met one night, and agree to meet him for drinks. A few months later, you're still seeing random bro and you're not sure why, but you really can't come up with any reasons why not to be (thanks to Tivo, your favorite show being on is no longer a valid excuse. Yay. Technology). So where does that leave you? Stuck in a beyond mediocre relationship, just vying for a reason to get out, but still staying in it because you're afraid to be alone/you're afraid nothing better will come along/you have so many of your belongings at his house and what if you try to go get them all but then that leaves you alone and something better had come along, but you were too busy getting your belongings? WELL THAT IS A RISK YOU TAKE.
4. You Dated a Concept, Not a Person
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't change people. Period. There are no exceptions to this rule, especially when it comes to little things. Oh, you really like Johnny, but hate the fact that he's unemployed and living with his parents (and completely content with it) at the age of 30? Well, you have two choices: trade in your Amex for a WIC card with a smile, or run. Fast. Far too often people make the mistake in falling in love with an idea, or the potential of a relationship. Yes, every relationship will gain emotional depth with time an experience. No, the guy your sitting across the table from will not magically lose his accent and affinity to speak in his native dialect with proper grooming. Take everyone you meet at face value. After all, would you want someone to try to change you, because you could be so perfect if only...? Didn't think so. Yes, there will always be little things that get to us about the person we're dating. I for one, get irritated with my boyfriend's constant punctuality (the nerve of him, I know). However, I've learned to accept it and have moved past it. I no longer have dreams of a relationship that runs respectively two hours late to everything. At least I've come to terms with it.
When you set these expectations or hope for a change in someone, it's all the more disappointing when they aren't met. This disappointment can lead to frustrations with your partner and an unbearable amount of hostility. Save yourself the time. Cut through the bullshit right away. If there's something you can't get past about your new potential love interest, don't. You can always leave after you finish your drink.
1. You Couldn't Embrace a Change
New relationships are supposed to be just that - new. Inherently so, would come with all the bells and whistles that new items come with. I truly believe that any type of romantic endeavor is comparable to something really foreign, like hot yoga or a distant relative's wake: if you're in your comfort zone from the beginning, you're doing it wrong. Sure, you might feel comfortable with somebody from the get go (which is a good sign) but if you're lacking the excitement and the wonder that comes with the unknown, run away. Fast.
Comfortable can lead to boring quicker than you can spell "L.L. Bean."
2. You Couldn't Accept the Past
I'd be lying if I said I've never compared myself to someone's ex. I'd also be lying if I said I'd never modified my number when it came to the point in the relationship where that topic came to the forefront. There are some things in your past that need to stay there, just ask any celebrity with a sex tape.
However, there are some inevitable tid bits of history that will arise.
Yes, there were people before you, and yes, more than likely, there will be people after. The quicker you learn this, and learn how to deal with it, the better. If you spend too much time dwelling on what your new flame did before you, you'll miss out on all the great things he or she could be doing with you. Besides, ask anyone that's been with me...sometimes having past experiences comes with benefits that everyone can enjoy.
What irritates me are the people who publicly bash their new partner's ex. Regardless of what your new lover has told you about his or her ex, it's a one-sided story, and therefor, it's half true. I guarantee that nobody wants to have the worst in them put on display after a breakup. When girls constantly speak of how their boyfriend's ex is such a (psycho, stalker, bitch, control freak - you name it), it's also important they consider what their golden-boy lover could have done to contribute to this. Nobody's perfect, and relationships consist of two people. For every time I've gotten called crazy, there has also been a drunk baffoon who refused to answer his cell phone because he "accidentally" left it at home while he was at another girl's house, thus forcing me to drive by aforementioned other girls house in one of my friend's cars wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap, and then find a way to break into the scarlet woman's hosue and go psycho on his ass, that made me that way.
Bottom line: consider the source. Listen to the whole story when someone complains about their ex. I remember when I started dating my ex boyfriend (I was in a state conducive to scenario #4), he talked about how his ex had been such a bitch and had treated him so badly. I have to say after dating him for a few months, I can totally see where she was coming from.
3. You Created a Relationship Based on Comparisons
If there's one thing I despise more than people who marry their high school sweethearts, it's people who become the ridiculous "anti-ex" when in a relationship. We all know these people, and chances are we've probably been one at point or another, and have probably dated one at one point or another (but hopefully not on multiple occassions). I will pose a scenario to which you all will be able to relate, I'm sure.
Sally and Jack are on their first date. Jack has just gotten out of a long term relationship, and Sally is a whore. Jack is settling into his new, single-guy lifestyle. He's finally rid of the burdens his ex placed on him (and vice versa). Mid date, the topic of past relationships is breached. Jack delves into what used to annoy him about his ex, everything from little quirks to major differences (religion, politics, etc). Jaded by the idea that someone is actually interested in her (see #4), Sally quickly reassures Jack that she is none of these things he holds in such disdain; she is, in fact, the exact opposite. Jack's ex-girlfriend loved to shop. Therefor, Sally hates it! Jack's ex loved little dogs, so, Sally hates them, and will never harbor any canine with a stature smaller than that of a St. Bernard. Jack's ex always took hours to get ready before going out, and now, Jackpot!! (terrible pun, and I'm not sorry about it), Sally is a no-makeup, hair in a pony tail kind of girl. Sounds as if they are a perfect match, right?
Wrong, you idiots.
What people need to realize is that when they open the "ex file" they also open all the emotional baggage (generally filled with dirty laundry) that comes with it. Yes, the ex file may be part of your permanent record, but it doesn't need to be re-opened and evaluated before you re-enter the dating pool.
I'm not saying that you don't learn from past relationships, because, of course you do. I'm just saying that looking for somebody who is the exact opposite of your ex is never a good idea (unless of course, you're me, and we're talking about the guy I dated briefly in 2010, but that's because he was an abusive prick and a terrible person...however, I would like to note that I mainly opt for an aversion to the abusive part).
If someone is fresh out of a relationship, it is more than likely that he or she is still emotionally invested in the last one, whether the emotions are good or bad. For example, if the previous relationship ended badly, it is likely that both parties will tear apart their ex as part of the breakup recovery process, scrutinizing every move, decision and character trait of their ex, generally with pure contempt. Perhaps Jack and his ex girlfriend had gotten in a blow out before they broke up, and he needed to tear apart her every action in order to assure himself that his actions and reactions were justified. Maybe the relationship had already run its natural course, and little scenarios started irritating him. Or maybe they got in a terrible fight one day about how long it took his ex ready to go out, and the little dog bit Jack, all after his ex came back from shopping. Thus, a new partner that resembles their ex in no way, shape, or form seems as the most sensible solution to their past problems.
It's only so long into the relationship that Jack will realize that there was a reason he liked his ex in the first place, which will, subsequently, cause him to compare her to Sally again. It won't be long before he gets tired of the traits he once found so endearing.
It's only natural that this happens. I can't tell you how many times I thought someone would make a good boyfriend because he was the exact opposite of a boy I'd dated in the past. It's only a matter of time that you realize there's a person behind these superficial traits, and whether they own a Border Collie or not, you still have to deal with the person as a whole.
You can't construct a relationship around a comparison. Instead, you have to treat every relationship almost as if the ex's didn't exist - you have to look at the relationship as two people, not a collection of traits you can put on a Venn Diagram, with one circle labeled (love) and the other (hate), in respect to characteristics your exes had.
It's also important to not try and become the "anti-ex" person. I know, it's easy to sell yourself when you can pretend to be (or really are, trust me, I've dated plenty of guys who's exes had no clue how to do their makeup or give a good bitch face) the opposite of the person they just left. But pretty soon, it's time to face the facts: everyone will face a point in their relationship where you have to decide which traits are worth leaving over and which ones are worth glossing over. It's like I have always said to anyone who has complained to me about taking too long to get ready: you can't rush art. In other words, find meaning, not opposites, in new relationships.
3. You Were Desperate
How many times have you (or your friend who shall remain anonymous) dated somebody simply for something to do? You were at a point where you were feeling lonely and a little insecure, and maybe had spent the entire day on the couch watching Lifetime (you know, television for women who are too hungover to move from the couch all day), and then suddenly BAM, you have a text message from that random bro you met one night, and agree to meet him for drinks. A few months later, you're still seeing random bro and you're not sure why, but you really can't come up with any reasons why not to be (thanks to Tivo, your favorite show being on is no longer a valid excuse. Yay. Technology). So where does that leave you? Stuck in a beyond mediocre relationship, just vying for a reason to get out, but still staying in it because you're afraid to be alone/you're afraid nothing better will come along/you have so many of your belongings at his house and what if you try to go get them all but then that leaves you alone and something better had come along, but you were too busy getting your belongings? WELL THAT IS A RISK YOU TAKE.
4. You Dated a Concept, Not a Person
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't change people. Period. There are no exceptions to this rule, especially when it comes to little things. Oh, you really like Johnny, but hate the fact that he's unemployed and living with his parents (and completely content with it) at the age of 30? Well, you have two choices: trade in your Amex for a WIC card with a smile, or run. Fast. Far too often people make the mistake in falling in love with an idea, or the potential of a relationship. Yes, every relationship will gain emotional depth with time an experience. No, the guy your sitting across the table from will not magically lose his accent and affinity to speak in his native dialect with proper grooming. Take everyone you meet at face value. After all, would you want someone to try to change you, because you could be so perfect if only...? Didn't think so. Yes, there will always be little things that get to us about the person we're dating. I for one, get irritated with my boyfriend's constant punctuality (the nerve of him, I know). However, I've learned to accept it and have moved past it. I no longer have dreams of a relationship that runs respectively two hours late to everything. At least I've come to terms with it.
When you set these expectations or hope for a change in someone, it's all the more disappointing when they aren't met. This disappointment can lead to frustrations with your partner and an unbearable amount of hostility. Save yourself the time. Cut through the bullshit right away. If there's something you can't get past about your new potential love interest, don't. You can always leave after you finish your drink.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)