I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and have also been watching a lot of Sex & The City. I used to make the same mistakes in relationships, and would always wonder why the results were less than desired. It hasn't been until recently that I've been able to pinpoint my main fumbles. If you're smart, you will agree with me, and learn from my mistakes.
1. You Couldn't Embrace a Change
New relationships are supposed to be just that - new. Inherently so, would come with all the bells and whistles that new items come with. I truly believe that any type of romantic endeavor is comparable to something really foreign, like hot yoga or a distant relative's wake: if you're in your comfort zone from the beginning, you're doing it wrong. Sure, you might feel comfortable with somebody from the get go (which is a good sign) but if you're lacking the excitement and the wonder that comes with the unknown, run away. Fast.
Comfortable can lead to boring quicker than you can spell "L.L. Bean."
2. You Couldn't Accept the Past
I'd be lying if I said I've never compared myself to someone's ex. I'd also be lying if I said I'd never modified my number when it came to the point in the relationship where that topic came to the forefront. There are some things in your past that need to stay there, just ask any celebrity with a sex tape.
However, there are some inevitable tid bits of history that will arise.
Yes, there were people before you, and yes, more than likely, there will be people after. The quicker you learn this, and learn how to deal with it, the better. If you spend too much time dwelling on what your new flame did before you, you'll miss out on all the great things he or she could be doing with you. Besides, ask anyone that's been with me...sometimes having past experiences comes with benefits that everyone can enjoy.
What irritates me are the people who publicly bash their new partner's ex. Regardless of what your new lover has told you about his or her ex, it's a one-sided story, and therefor, it's half true. I guarantee that nobody wants to have the worst in them put on display after a breakup. When girls constantly speak of how their boyfriend's ex is such a (psycho, stalker, bitch, control freak - you name it), it's also important they consider what their golden-boy lover could have done to contribute to this. Nobody's perfect, and relationships consist of two people. For every time I've gotten called crazy, there has also been a drunk baffoon who refused to answer his cell phone because he "accidentally" left it at home while he was at another girl's house, thus forcing me to drive by aforementioned other girls house in one of my friend's cars wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap, and then find a way to break into the scarlet woman's hosue and go psycho on his ass, that made me that way.
Bottom line: consider the source. Listen to the whole story when someone complains about their ex. I remember when I started dating my ex boyfriend (I was in a state conducive to scenario #4), he talked about how his ex had been such a bitch and had treated him so badly. I have to say after dating him for a few months, I can totally see where she was coming from.
3. You Created a Relationship Based on Comparisons
If there's one thing I despise more than people who marry their high school sweethearts, it's people who become the ridiculous "anti-ex" when in a relationship. We all know these people, and chances are we've probably been one at point or another, and have probably dated one at one point or another (but hopefully not on multiple occassions). I will pose a scenario to which you all will be able to relate, I'm sure.
Sally and Jack are on their first date. Jack has just gotten out of a long term relationship, and Sally is a whore. Jack is settling into his new, single-guy lifestyle. He's finally rid of the burdens his ex placed on him (and vice versa). Mid date, the topic of past relationships is breached. Jack delves into what used to annoy him about his ex, everything from little quirks to major differences (religion, politics, etc). Jaded by the idea that someone is actually interested in her (see #4), Sally quickly reassures Jack that she is none of these things he holds in such disdain; she is, in fact, the exact opposite. Jack's ex-girlfriend loved to shop. Therefor, Sally hates it! Jack's ex loved little dogs, so, Sally hates them, and will never harbor any canine with a stature smaller than that of a St. Bernard. Jack's ex always took hours to get ready before going out, and now, Jackpot!! (terrible pun, and I'm not sorry about it), Sally is a no-makeup, hair in a pony tail kind of girl. Sounds as if they are a perfect match, right?
Wrong, you idiots.
What people need to realize is that when they open the "ex file" they also open all the emotional baggage (generally filled with dirty laundry) that comes with it. Yes, the ex file may be part of your permanent record, but it doesn't need to be re-opened and evaluated before you re-enter the dating pool.
I'm not saying that you don't learn from past relationships, because, of course you do. I'm just saying that looking for somebody who is the exact opposite of your ex is never a good idea (unless of course, you're me, and we're talking about the guy I dated briefly in 2010, but that's because he was an abusive prick and a terrible person...however, I would like to note that I mainly opt for an aversion to the abusive part).
If someone is fresh out of a relationship, it is more than likely that he or she is still emotionally invested in the last one, whether the emotions are good or bad. For example, if the previous relationship ended badly, it is likely that both parties will tear apart their ex as part of the breakup recovery process, scrutinizing every move, decision and character trait of their ex, generally with pure contempt. Perhaps Jack and his ex girlfriend had gotten in a blow out before they broke up, and he needed to tear apart her every action in order to assure himself that his actions and reactions were justified. Maybe the relationship had already run its natural course, and little scenarios started irritating him. Or maybe they got in a terrible fight one day about how long it took his ex ready to go out, and the little dog bit Jack, all after his ex came back from shopping. Thus, a new partner that resembles their ex in no way, shape, or form seems as the most sensible solution to their past problems.
It's only so long into the relationship that Jack will realize that there was a reason he liked his ex in the first place, which will, subsequently, cause him to compare her to Sally again. It won't be long before he gets tired of the traits he once found so endearing.
It's only natural that this happens. I can't tell you how many times I thought someone would make a good boyfriend because he was the exact opposite of a boy I'd dated in the past. It's only a matter of time that you realize there's a person behind these superficial traits, and whether they own a Border Collie or not, you still have to deal with the person as a whole.
You can't construct a relationship around a comparison. Instead, you have to treat every relationship almost as if the ex's didn't exist - you have to look at the relationship as two people, not a collection of traits you can put on a Venn Diagram, with one circle labeled (love) and the other (hate), in respect to characteristics your exes had.
It's also important to not try and become the "anti-ex" person. I know, it's easy to sell yourself when you can pretend to be (or really are, trust me, I've dated plenty of guys who's exes had no clue how to do their makeup or give a good bitch face) the opposite of the person they just left. But pretty soon, it's time to face the facts: everyone will face a point in their relationship where you have to decide which traits are worth leaving over and which ones are worth glossing over. It's like I have always said to anyone who has complained to me about taking too long to get ready: you can't rush art. In other words, find meaning, not opposites, in new relationships.
3. You Were Desperate
How many times have you (or your friend who shall remain anonymous) dated somebody simply for something to do? You were at a point where you were feeling lonely and a little insecure, and maybe had spent the entire day on the couch watching Lifetime (you know, television for women who are too hungover to move from the couch all day), and then suddenly BAM, you have a text message from that random bro you met one night, and agree to meet him for drinks. A few months later, you're still seeing random bro and you're not sure why, but you really can't come up with any reasons why not to be (thanks to Tivo, your favorite show being on is no longer a valid excuse. Yay. Technology). So where does that leave you? Stuck in a beyond mediocre relationship, just vying for a reason to get out, but still staying in it because you're afraid to be alone/you're afraid nothing better will come along/you have so many of your belongings at his house and what if you try to go get them all but then that leaves you alone and something better had come along, but you were too busy getting your belongings? WELL THAT IS A RISK YOU TAKE.
4. You Dated a Concept, Not a Person
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't change people. Period. There are no exceptions to this rule, especially when it comes to little things. Oh, you really like Johnny, but hate the fact that he's unemployed and living with his parents (and completely content with it) at the age of 30? Well, you have two choices: trade in your Amex for a WIC card with a smile, or run. Fast. Far too often people make the mistake in falling in love with an idea, or the potential of a relationship. Yes, every relationship will gain emotional depth with time an experience. No, the guy your sitting across the table from will not magically lose his accent and affinity to speak in his native dialect with proper grooming. Take everyone you meet at face value. After all, would you want someone to try to change you, because you could be so perfect if only...? Didn't think so. Yes, there will always be little things that get to us about the person we're dating. I for one, get irritated with my boyfriend's constant punctuality (the nerve of him, I know). However, I've learned to accept it and have moved past it. I no longer have dreams of a relationship that runs respectively two hours late to everything. At least I've come to terms with it.
When you set these expectations or hope for a change in someone, it's all the more disappointing when they aren't met. This disappointment can lead to frustrations with your partner and an unbearable amount of hostility. Save yourself the time. Cut through the bullshit right away. If there's something you can't get past about your new potential love interest, don't. You can always leave after you finish your drink.
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