Alright people, the cast list of the next season of Dancing With the Stars has been released, and I'm almost positive a better name for the show would be "Dancing With (people who at one point have had sex with/spoken to/or are related to) The Stars". Srsly.
For those of you who care about pop culture and celebrities as much as I do (and I don't expect that to be many of you, after all, it took be HOURS to construct my wall-shrine to Britney Spears in my dorm room sophomore year...that's dedication most other people would have contributed to studying or something gross), the cast list is far beyond disappointing:
1. Chaz Bono
I get, son of Cher. I get it. Your mother is a legend (she's part of my holy trinity of worship, accompanied by Britney -duh- and Dolly Parton). And, oh, he is a transgendered American. I am not discounting the value of resources he has provided for millions of people through his books, motivational speeches, and Emmy-nominated documentary "Becoming Chaz." I am, however, positive the only reason Chaz Bono is famous is because his mother is, duh, the freaking queen of the world. If he's famous just because he's had gender reassignment surgery, there is an entirely different level of wrong associated with that - millions of Americans each year go through the counseling and surgery required to change their sex, and many of them write books and counsel others on the subject matter. I do support Chaz for using his own real-life experience to provide advocacy and support for millions of others, but I don't feel his celebrity status is deserved. Sadly, Chaz is the celebrity I find most famous and most well known out of the entire cast, which really isn't saying much. However, Chaz Bono deserving fame because his mother is a pop culture icon and he had a surgery to become who he was meant to be is similar to saying one of the Kardashian sisters gained fame because she had a father who defended a wife killer and later in life made a sex tape.
Speaking of Kardashians...
2. Rob Kardashian
Srsly? Yes, we've all seen Rob Kardashian on that reality show on E! (Keeping up With the Kardashians/Khloe and Lamar/Kourtney and Kim Take New York/Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami/E! True Hollywood Story: The Kardashians), but what contribution has he really made? He stares blankly at the camera and slowly drags out his last syllable of whatever asinine words he strings together and calls a statement. Oh, apparently he is part of a modeling campaign for a clothing line featured at Wal-Mart/K-Mart/Salvation Army. I don't care. He's lucky his older sister banged Reggie Bush.
3. Ricki Lake
The only thing I know about Ricki Lake is that she once hosted a show, and I used to change the channel every time it came on TV when I was lying on the couch, home sick from elementary school. I don't know where the hell she's been hibernating for the past 15 years, but I hope she at least emerges with a better haircut.
4. Kristin Cavallari
I used to watch Laguna Beach, and I hated this bitch. I dislike her use of mis-matching bikini tops and bottoms, and I further dislike her whiny tone when she used to talk to her boyfriend "Steeeeee-phennnnn". Apparently she was engaged to an NFL player, and the engagement was broken off. The only reason I can fathom her getting a spot on DWTS is that it was some type of consolation; Lauren Conrad got her own spin off, and all this girl got was a cocaine addiction.
5. Elisabetta Canalis
Really, we're so out of legitimate stars here we now have to import them to learn the foxtrot on national tv? I get it, she slept with George Clooney consistently for two years. Okay, what else? Oh, that's it? Great. I don't care.
6. Ron Artest
Okay, fantastic, let's put a professional athlete with anger issues on display for everyone to judge. My guess is that after Bruno gives him one bad score, heads will roll. No, seriously. There will be blood. Also, if you're best known for beating up a fan, are you really that famous? Why can't we get someone that was known for their talent? Where the hell are LeBron and Kobe? Oh, they're working.
7. Chynna Phillips
Apparently she was a part of a band. To be honest with you, I thought it was the girl from former professional wrestling fame. Publicity fail.
8. David Arquette
Oh, you know, the guy who was married to Courtney Cox and then became an alcoholic who dated strippers? Exactly. What about that previous statement enticed you to want to watch him waltz across your tv?
9. J.R. Martinez
He served in Iraq and then used his fame (he was burned over 40% of his body) to get a role on a soap opera, where he plays himself. Who would have thought enlisting to serve your country would later result in you embarassing yourself all over national tv? Has the military disability pension gotten so bad that veterans are resorting to "acting" on daytime TV?
10. Carson Kressley
He was on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." If he doesn't know how to dance, I've lost all faith in humanity.
11. Hope Solo
You might recognize her from this past year's women's world cup. And yep, that's about all you would recognize her from.
12. Nancy Grace
Sadly, she's probably most recognizable from the cast. She has that incredibly un-biased and deep talk show that discusses current issues, such as the Casey Anthony trial. Once in a while, she takes a break from talking about Casey Anthony to talk about her twins. When she's not talking about "Tot Mom", Grace is a former prosecuter from Georgia. If there's anything I hate more than Republicans, it's the South, which would imply that I intristically hate Nancy Grace. It's true. I can't stand that bitch. I hope she breaks her ankle, falls off the stage, dislocates her shoulder, and is unable to work for at least 3 months. As an extra slap in the face, I hope HLN replaces her show with The Rachel Maddow Show, just for shiggles (that's a combination of shits and giggles).
Needless to say, I will be a devout follower of the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars. But, I won't be a huge supporter of the cast. If you need to be related to someone who's well known, or have formerly slept with someone who's well known, you're doing something wrong. What's worse is that I'm sure DWTS will catapult these people into fame...just look at what it did for Ralph Macchio - he was a semi-finalist, and now he's Lady GaGa's fashion icon.
My ideal season of DWTS would include: Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, Sandra Bullock, Ashton Kutcher, Snooki, and all of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's children. And Suri Cruise. Duh. Love her.
Why can't that cast happen? Oh, right, they're all busy actually being famous. Le sigh.
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