Once You Put a Ring on it, Kindly Put a Muzzle on It Too.

I'd just like to make a PSA to anyone under the age of 25, on behalf of the better educated portion of America:
STOP FUCKING GETTING ENGAGED.

I may have a bit of a bias on this subject matter, because apparently, I'm the person you date before you date the person you're going to marry.  Translation:  I'm 3/3 in the game of ex-boyfriends who are now engaged to some foolish bitch.  How do I know these girls are foolish bitches?  Um, duh, because they're engaged to one of my ex-boyfriends, who are my ex's for a reason, and why any female would sign the next minimum of 3 years of their lives away to these buffoons escapes me.

I'm not against marriage, per say.  I am all for throwing a fucking rager of a wedding.  I TiVO "Say Yes to the Dress".  However, I've had enough experience in my 22 years of life to know that marriage is definitely a flawed institution.  Let's be real here, the divorce rate isn't around 50% for a reason, and I'll never fully believe in something that this great nation of ours limits to a certain portion of the population (okay, my one civil rights push, sorry, I had to)...if it's so great, why not let everyone in on it?  And who the hell is Michele Bachmann or any other fundamentalist zealot to determine who can and can not wed (okay, another, sorry, this is an issue I'm really passionate about).  I digress.

Things that annoy me about young engagements:

1.  The majority of the people I know that are engaged and in my age group are engaged to the one and only significant other they've ever had.  How the hell do you know someone's your soul mate when you don't have anything to compare it to?  That's akin to believing vanilla ice cream is your favorite flavor when you've never tried anything else, such as Cherry Garcia (it's like crack, I swear).  No wonder people find themselves in an unhappy marriage down the line; all the fun of planning a wedding, producing spawn, etc, are over, and then you're finally left realizing that this relationship you have is as good as it's going to get.  After all the dust settles, you wonder if this is really how your life was supposed to wind up, if being 30 and a mother of 3 is really all fate had in store.  No wonder people are unhappy.

2.  Facebook is now a means of announcing your "big news."  Okay what the fuck?  I understand our daily lives have been subsidized by technology and social networking media, but if you didn't have the decency to at least personally notify people instead of updating your relationship status to "engaged" the minute you slip a ring on your finger, I'm judging you and the success of your relationship.  My prediction?  It won't be.

3.  Nobody has the funds to purchase a ring worth mentioning right out of college.  Or while still in college, for that matter.  I'm sorry, but if anyone tried to pop the question with a sub-standard ring, I'd say no.  This is the single most important piece of jewelry you'll ever wear, why the hell should it be anything less than perfect?  The most popular response this statement receives are "you're materialistic (duh)" and "well, that's all they could afford right now."  My rebuttal?  Ex-fucking-actly.  WAIT.  Save up until you can get a bigger ring.  If you're meant to be together, you will still be together a couple years down the road.  What's the fucking hurry to dash down the aisle?  Which brings me to my next grievance...

4.  Nobody loves a shotgun wedding.  I swear to fucking god, if I find myself at another backyard wedding without open bar, I'm going to lose it.  Oh, that's all you cold afford for the time being?  Please re-visit aggravation #3.

5.  What the hell is wrong with your life that you're so desperate to end it before you've even made it to a quarter of a century?  Are you really planning on such a short life that getting married at 23 is the only option? What the hell is there to look forward to in your years to come?

And for those who choose to ignore my feelings on the matter (which you shouldn't, because anyone with a brain will agree with me on them), at least be courteous and post lots of close up pictures from every angle of your engagement ring.  I'm pretty sure there's a formula based on the cut, clarity, color and carat of the diamond in relation to how long the relationship will last.  Oh there isn't, you say?  I jest not, such guidelines exist.  The formula is along these lines:
The bigger the rock, the better the relationship.
Material things are a great way of showing people you care.  If you're like me, and incapable of expressing emotions other than anger (unless I'm completely inebriated, in which case, I don't mean it anyway), presents are a great way of telling someone you like them.  I don't like retarded gestures of intimacy, and I hate PDAs, but I am an excellent gift giver.  The only people who maintain the idea that money can't buy happiness and looks don't matter are the ugly and poor ones.  I like to think that the size of the diamond on the engagement ring is a gauge of how much the suitor values his beloved.  If I don't receive a ring that is worth as much as, if not more than, my fiance's car, I'm only going to think he values his own means of transportation more than he values having me in his life.  Let's face it, nobody drives a car until they die (unless they are killed in a car accident).  Not trying to be morbid, just being honest.
And even if the relationship heads south, I know for a fact diamonds have great resale value, AND, it's super easy to dismount your engagement ring diamond and turn it into a necklace or something.  Or to sell it and buy a car.

Either way, I'm so over people expressing their nauseating love for one another when they don't have the slightest clue what love is, and I'm even more over people not showing off their "bling" immediately so I can form a complete opinion on the situation.

My advice?  If you like it, don't put a ring on.  Wait until you can't live without it, and have the funds to prove it.

I'm going to just dance my way out of this bad romance with this washed up pop star, for the love of Judas.

I have a confession to make: I'm over Lady Gaga.
I'm really over her.  I know I'm serious about this because I'm not even going to handle being over her as I have in past scenarios; claiming I'm done with it to all of my friends, posting Facebook statuses about my new great outlook, and then calling the aforementioned situation some 46 times repeatedly after a few too many drinks.  I'm not even over it in the sense that I say I'm done with and over it, and then wind up being found sitting in the corner of the shower drinking out of a bottle of Berringer's through a straw screaming Alanis Morrissette lyrics at the top of my lungs (you oughta know, for the record, that wasn't one of my proudest moments). 

If you know anything about me, it's that I have an unrivaled affection and belief in pop culture, and most importantly, pop icons.  I once had hopes that GaGa would be able to fall into the same category as the likes of Cher and Britney (duh, of course Britney).

When GaGa first came onto the music scene, she was a great performer with an eccentric look.  Aside from her penchant for bedazzled leotards with shoulder pads, she was someone the general public could relate to, even in a small capacity.  Here she was, performing fresh pop/dance music songs in fun, different outfits.  Essentially, she was someone who was performing her mainstream music but putting her own look into it, which proved she was the ultimate proponent of expressing one's own individuality.

Lately, she's fallen off the deep end.

Hear my take on it here, and be sure to follow me on Twitter: @EngelBitch
http://soundcloud.com/engelbitch/is-gaga-over

Let's Call a Spade a Spade Here People...

For those of you who live under a rock, or have morals, and haven't indulged in the greatest display of idiocracy on television, I would like to introduce you to Toddler's and Tiaras.  It's a fantastic show on TLC (you know, the learning channel), that follows various toddlers throughout their journey towards the Ultimate Grand Supreme Title at local beauty pageants.  Oh, and it's about their over bearing, pushy, and generally over-weight and under-educated stage mothers. 

The show depicts the children, who can barely form sentences, getting spray tans and wearing fake sets of teeth, all in preparation for the upcoming beauty talent competitions.  Generally, the children throw tantrums and cry about being paraded around on stage in front of judges while the mothers explain how their children just adore being pageant regulars.

All in all, it's the best display of bad parenting on TV, and it never fails to amuse me.

This past week's episode included a three year old who chose to dress as Julia Robert's character in Pretty Woman.  She chose to sport the iconic outfit from the first scene of the movie, when Vivienne first seduces her Lotus-driving Prince Charming.  Apparently, this has caused quite a bit of controversy.

I really don't see what the big deal is.  Oh, all of a sudden this show is outrageous?  It really took a little girl dressed as a hooker for people to realize this?  Most of all, who really cares what the little girl was dressed as?  It's not as if she understood what she was (unless her mother sat her down and explained to her what that costume symbolized, which is really, just a message that if you work hard enough and screw the right people, you can get anywhere in life).

And even supposing this child did fully comprehend what a prostitute is, let's be real here:  this is probably the best action these parents have taken in preparing their daughters for the future.  The likelihood of these children going anywhere in life besides a regional beauty pageant is virtually non existent.  Just look at these parents:  they're Southern, and fat, and completely out of touch with reality.  These children have stupid names that set them up for failure as well.  Who the fuck names their kid Paisley and thinks it's acceptable?  I think it's a lot more outrageous to expect these children to do anything productive with themselves than to just admit that while yes, some children will grow up to be professional athletes and doctors and lawyers and politicians, some of them will inevitably have to grow up to be the strippers and prostitutes that attend to them.

In my opinion, at least this mother gave her daughter a realistic glimpse into her future.

Check out the clip here: