I fucking hate the holidays.
I know, shocker, right? Who would have ever guessed I hate a time of year dedicated to being merry & bright? I do, however, strongly support the holiday Festivus (For the rest of us). It all began on Seinfeld, and basically, there is no Christmas tree or gift giving, but there is a non-decorated Festivus pole and an airing of grievances. Sign. Me. Up.
However, before I black myself out of 2011 and into 2k12, I'd like to air a few grievances I have with the world.
1. Elf on a Shelf.
Okay, "what the fuck is this noise?" you may ask. Question answered: it's a doll of the elf variety that over-achieving mothers put in their homes around Christmas time. The elf supposedly watches the children of the house and reports back to Santa. The idea is basically the elf can parent your children for a month. First of all, Santa's getting lazy if you ask me. What the hell happened to him being the all-knowing power? Now he has elves do his bidding? Weak sauce, Fat Man. Second of all, why the hell would any parent go to that much work to not discipline their children? Apparently, the elf is supposed to move locations and wreak havoc on the home. Um, no thanks. If I ever reproduce (which I'm not planning on, because I'm a responsible person who cares about the future of our society), there is no chance in hell I will support any of this elf nonsense. There will be no further shenanigans when it comes to this holiday. There's already enough accessories; there's a tree, and stockings, and people expect you to put up lights too. Why do people insist on making terrible seasons worse than they already are? If I ever have children, they will get their presents and shut up. I refuse to move an elf around my home. My mother never did any of these things with me, and I'm perfectly well-adjusted.
2. Smirnoff.
Okay, it's no secret, Smirnoff Vodka is the World's Best Tasting Vodka (for people who typically drink gasoline or have no taste buds). It's also very evident they're way behind on the desert-flavored vodka trend. Oh, just now you're deciding to make whipped cream flavored vodka? Call up Pinnacle and Three Olives and ask if you can borrow your notes from the past two years. I would be very content to ignore their blatant disregard for punctuality if it hadn't been for their new advertising campaign and choice of spokesperson. Amber Rose? Seriously? Who knows what Amber Rose is famous for? If you guessed "banging Kanye West" you are correct! Oh, good to know that all you have to do to become the face of a vodka brand is get penetrated by an egotistical black man with a drinking problem. Get in line, sister. Who the hell assigned her any credibility? Also, have you seen the commercials? Not only are they terrible, but she speaks like she has down syndrome and is in the middle of having a stroke. I really find it offensive when people over-enunciate their consonants; it generally makes me feel like I'm watching Teen Mom (which I do, but only Tuesday nights at 10). Has everyone forgotten the art of reading out loud? Did everyone else in this country miss the first fucking grade? Also, the tag line is "Because Vodka Never Felt This Good." I disagree. NOTHING ABOUT SMIRNOFF FEELS GOOD. I have a very specific criteria I enforce while deciding on my libations, the general guideline being that if you have to bend over to pick it up off the shelf, you'll be bending over to throw it up at some point over the night. I'm going to ignore any sexual innuendo attempts by Smirnoff in replacing "tasted" with "felt" and continue to elaborate on how there is no activity you can do with a bottle of Smirnoff that will feel good. The last time I drank Smirnoff, I was in Vegas, and if I recall correctly, I couldn't feel a thing after that, so who knows if what went down was good or blatantly mediocre. Who. The hell knows. Furthermore, I've been campaigning for the past three years of my life to be sponsored by Three Olives. As in, I would like for them to send me free vodka and support my already expensive drinking habits. Why do people that suck at life keep getting the things I want?
3. The Holiday Season.
What the fuck is it about Jesus's birthday that causes everyone to turn into maniacs? Everyone within a four mile radius of any shopping plaza is rude. Nobody's happy about spending a ton of money on people you're forced to see. I hate forced interaction, and the holidays are a breeding ground for it. Oh, yay, let's all get together and stand around with people we don't like in the spirit of Christmas. The only type of holiday spirit I can ever get down with comes in a frosted bottle, and its name is Three Olives. If there was any way to skip this entire Christmas ordeal and go right to New Years, I'm all for it. Also, I really wish Starbucks would stop pushing it's peppermint agenda down everyone's throats.
Oh, and if anyone else gets engaged over the next two weeks, I'm going to throw up.
Happy holidays you ass clowns!
Monday, December 19, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
Word to Your Mom, I Came to Drop Bombs.
I've spent much of my youth searching for the meaning of life. Even though I've learned it's "fuck bitches, get money (repeat, one would presume)," I refused to accept the idea that all we ever will become is the sum of our choices and the legacy we leave.
What about the choices we don't make, and the legacy we could have left?
Don't feed me some "carpe diem" bullshit, and I swear, if you try to respond with "what's meant to be will find a way," I will respond with a roundhouse kick to your jaw.
I think that the majority of society encourages that the school-college-marriage-family (with a career thrown in) prototype be followed. I think this is because most people crave security. I think most people find comfort in challenges that have a definite reward. It's no surprise; there's a reason there are more people who decide to enter the business field than to pursue careers as freelance photographers. People like the idea of a salary, of a stable living situation.
But what about people who don't? How long does it take to realize that maybe, just maybe, you're not cut out to fit into the mold you've been trying so hard to fit into?
I know, this is some pretty cutting edge stuff, right? A 22 year old college dropout bartender who is contemplating her future. Hold on tight, I don't want to throw a curve ball at you with this new and revolutionary material.
In the midst of my most recent midlife crisis (I use this term lightly. I think it's a little arrogant and presumptuous to assume that 45 or so is the appropriate age for mid-life to occur at. How do I know when my life will end, and who am I to arbitrarily assign an age to it's halfway point? Thus, I've been having midlife crisis' since I was 13. I figure if I make it to 26, I can keep having them and increase my chances of making it to 52. If not, can't say I didn't try), I suddenly realized I've been living a huge fucking lie.
I generally was a high-achiever in life, in most categories: school, sports, etc. I've always been able to set goals and attain them, because I have an awesome work ethic. If something sparks my interest, I can guarantee I will work for it. I used to have such a spark and such drive to accomplish my goals. Once I went to college, that quickly fizzled. Most people figured it was the massive quantities of booze I consumed on a daily basis. Some blamed it on the cocaine. While I refused to let a substance take the blame for my motivational demise, I opted for the ultimate cop out - my general response when people inquired about my lack of scholastic success was that I "had no idea what I wanted to do with my life" and that I was "taking time to figure it out."
Okay, confession. I do know. But before we get there -
The term "suffering artist" irritates me. I feel there's a negative connotation that comes along with it, one that conjures the image of an under-fed, over-pretentious person dressed in tattered clothes who spends hours upon hours without human contact for the preservation of their craft. Truth be told, I think the real suffering artists are the people who hide what drives them, what moves them, what they're passionate about. I think the people who truly suffer are the ones who opt for the safer, more widely accepted versions of themselves and their created lives while they perfect the art of acting as if everything is fine. I think there's nothing worse than having to look back on your life and wish you had done it all differently.
That being said, at the young and completely oblivious age of 18, I pledged to get a degree and get a real job at some point in my life. Maybe in teaching (wait, I fucking hate children). Maybe in business? Sales, perhaps? I have been trudging along, trying to find my niche, hoping I can find a field I love and one that will appear to be grown up and mature. I was only kidding myself. The only reason I haven't finished school is because I don't want to, deep down. There has been something holding me back, and that's the knowledge that regardless of how much money I make be able to make at some PR job, I'll never be happy.
I really have two goals in life: to become a recluse and to be happy. I'm not talking about the circumstantial, fleeting moment of contentment. I want to be genuinely and wholly satisfied. I don't to have to keep moving around, searching for my missing piece.
That being said- Fuck you guys, I'm writing a book.
What about the choices we don't make, and the legacy we could have left?
Don't feed me some "carpe diem" bullshit, and I swear, if you try to respond with "what's meant to be will find a way," I will respond with a roundhouse kick to your jaw.
I think that the majority of society encourages that the school-college-marriage-family (with a career thrown in) prototype be followed. I think this is because most people crave security. I think most people find comfort in challenges that have a definite reward. It's no surprise; there's a reason there are more people who decide to enter the business field than to pursue careers as freelance photographers. People like the idea of a salary, of a stable living situation.
But what about people who don't? How long does it take to realize that maybe, just maybe, you're not cut out to fit into the mold you've been trying so hard to fit into?
I know, this is some pretty cutting edge stuff, right? A 22 year old college dropout bartender who is contemplating her future. Hold on tight, I don't want to throw a curve ball at you with this new and revolutionary material.
In the midst of my most recent midlife crisis (I use this term lightly. I think it's a little arrogant and presumptuous to assume that 45 or so is the appropriate age for mid-life to occur at. How do I know when my life will end, and who am I to arbitrarily assign an age to it's halfway point? Thus, I've been having midlife crisis' since I was 13. I figure if I make it to 26, I can keep having them and increase my chances of making it to 52. If not, can't say I didn't try), I suddenly realized I've been living a huge fucking lie.
I generally was a high-achiever in life, in most categories: school, sports, etc. I've always been able to set goals and attain them, because I have an awesome work ethic. If something sparks my interest, I can guarantee I will work for it. I used to have such a spark and such drive to accomplish my goals. Once I went to college, that quickly fizzled. Most people figured it was the massive quantities of booze I consumed on a daily basis. Some blamed it on the cocaine. While I refused to let a substance take the blame for my motivational demise, I opted for the ultimate cop out - my general response when people inquired about my lack of scholastic success was that I "had no idea what I wanted to do with my life" and that I was "taking time to figure it out."
Okay, confession. I do know. But before we get there -
The term "suffering artist" irritates me. I feel there's a negative connotation that comes along with it, one that conjures the image of an under-fed, over-pretentious person dressed in tattered clothes who spends hours upon hours without human contact for the preservation of their craft. Truth be told, I think the real suffering artists are the people who hide what drives them, what moves them, what they're passionate about. I think the people who truly suffer are the ones who opt for the safer, more widely accepted versions of themselves and their created lives while they perfect the art of acting as if everything is fine. I think there's nothing worse than having to look back on your life and wish you had done it all differently.
That being said, at the young and completely oblivious age of 18, I pledged to get a degree and get a real job at some point in my life. Maybe in teaching (wait, I fucking hate children). Maybe in business? Sales, perhaps? I have been trudging along, trying to find my niche, hoping I can find a field I love and one that will appear to be grown up and mature. I was only kidding myself. The only reason I haven't finished school is because I don't want to, deep down. There has been something holding me back, and that's the knowledge that regardless of how much money I make be able to make at some PR job, I'll never be happy.
I really have two goals in life: to become a recluse and to be happy. I'm not talking about the circumstantial, fleeting moment of contentment. I want to be genuinely and wholly satisfied. I don't to have to keep moving around, searching for my missing piece.
That being said- Fuck you guys, I'm writing a book.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Drink Like a Champion. No, Actually Do It.
In case anyone was wondering, I'm quite the judgmental bitch. I will form my opinion on any given situation within a matter of minutes. I can tell you exactly what I think of you within about ten minutes of speaking with you. Also, I enjoy concocting elaborate narratives about the lives and thoughts of individuals I observe while people watching. This being said, I think it's safe to say the main factor I judge people on is their choice in libations. I'll admit it, I have reached a new level of shallow. I no longer judge people based on their clothing or accessories, or even by their political beliefs (well, that's a lie. I still do that). I am a firm believer I can assume everything I need to know about an individual after I know what their booze of choice is.
Allow me to elaborate.
As someone who has been drinking heavily for at least the past 8 years of my life, I may not be able to pride myself in a lot of the decisions I've made while intoxicated, but I am definitely proud of my refinement in alcoholic taste. I no longer can stand the sight of cheap vodka and cringe at the idea of Nattie Light (if you grew up in Tolland, CT, you've probably blacked out on Dubra once or twice, and if you're me, you've drank an entire fifth of it and subsequently flashed Yank at the welcome back dance. That's neither here nor there).
So what are my first reactions to people who ask that their mixed drinks be made with bottom-shelf quality liquor, or get really excited that Bud Light and Coors Light are on draft? I either assume that they are either underage, or total white trash. Or total underage white trash. Either way, the level you drink at is an automatic indicator of your social status. Only the best people drink the best alcohol, duh.
As far as beers go, it's so basic to assume that the best beer you can get is Blue Moon. Allow me to introduce you to the 21st century, micro-brewery edition. Micro brews are a great way to explore various alcoholic tastes and various types of beer. Never heard of an IPA? Don't know the difference between an ale and a lager? Hone up on your beer knowledge! It will make you seem smarter, and will in turn, make you attractive to smarter people. You'll be trendier, and will appear much more refined than in your frat boy, Coors Light-drinking years. Also, micro-brews tend to have a higher a.b.v. than the standard light beer, and a much more tolerable flavor than the disgusting national brand heavy beer, so it will take less of them to achieve the party buzz you're seeking (recession tip). However, the stand-by's such as Coors Light and Bud Light are very useful when one needs to consume large quantities of beer in a limited amount of time (including, but not limited to, activities such as: chugging, shot gunning, beer pong, beer bat, flip cup, etc). This makes sense however, because nobody that is actually able to post all of their party pictures on Facebook plays those games on a regular basis anyway.
When it comes to wine, I am far from a connoisseur. However, I will maintain my knowledge that white zinfandel will always be stripper juice. That's a fact. And I judge people who claim to be "classy" while guzzling the rose wine (and most likely wearing a $19.99 pair of Charlotte Russe heels with matching earrings, belt, and chunky necklace to boot). Give up girl, and don't let your acrylics break when you hold onto the stemware.
As far as liquor goes, I really form my opinions on people when I view their hard liquor intake. Nothing makes me want to slap someone harder than those who drink fruity mixed drinks that are like, 1 part vodka to every 4 parts juice. If I wanted lemonade with a "splash" of booze, I'd go back to sixth grade, thanks. Go big or go home is what I say. Allow yourself a base liquor, and one mixer of choice. My personal favorite mixed drinks include: vodka & soda, vodka vodka & soda, tequila and OJ, tequila & soda with a splash of OJ, Jack on the rocks, vodka water with a splash of sour, and whiskey water with a splash of sour (to name a few). I refuse to drink vodka cranberries, and I advise others to do the same. Cranberry juice is only useful if you have a UTI, and if you're slamming vodka cranberries, I think you'd be better off spending the night finding the root of how you contracted the UTI in the first place. Detest Grey Goose, because it's over rated, and predictable. Instead, allow yourself to luxury of Belvedere or Hangar. There is nothing wrong with Ketel One. If you're balling on a budget, 3 Olives is a personal favorite of mine. The golden rule of liquor is that if you have to bend down to get it off the shelf, you could probably use it to clean your sink, and I don't like drinking Pine-Sol. My assessment of alcohol quality is derived from whether or not I could drink it on the rocks. If it's truly a decent spirit, I can enjoy it with just a little bit of ice. And a lot of good times.
As far as cocktails go, blue Long Islands and Electric Lemonades are for broke undergrads. I'm judging you, 42 year old woman, who asks for a Blue Long Island with extra lemons and a fucking cherry. I'm judging you.
Yes, fun shots are fun to do. For like, two rounds, on your 21st birthday. Grow a pair and shoot straight. Not only are birthday cake shots a pain in the ass for a bartender to make, but nothing flashes the "amateur" light like asking for a round of Dirty Girl Scouts, especially after your a few deep. Have you ever puked up creme de menthe? I don't recommend it.
Overall, I'd say that drinking is probably one of my favorite past times, aside from berating people (generally while drinking), and spending money (generally on alcohol). When you're this good at something, it's hard not to look down on those of lesser talent. But don't say I didn't try to help.
Allow me to elaborate.
As someone who has been drinking heavily for at least the past 8 years of my life, I may not be able to pride myself in a lot of the decisions I've made while intoxicated, but I am definitely proud of my refinement in alcoholic taste. I no longer can stand the sight of cheap vodka and cringe at the idea of Nattie Light (if you grew up in Tolland, CT, you've probably blacked out on Dubra once or twice, and if you're me, you've drank an entire fifth of it and subsequently flashed Yank at the welcome back dance. That's neither here nor there).
So what are my first reactions to people who ask that their mixed drinks be made with bottom-shelf quality liquor, or get really excited that Bud Light and Coors Light are on draft? I either assume that they are either underage, or total white trash. Or total underage white trash. Either way, the level you drink at is an automatic indicator of your social status. Only the best people drink the best alcohol, duh.
As far as beers go, it's so basic to assume that the best beer you can get is Blue Moon. Allow me to introduce you to the 21st century, micro-brewery edition. Micro brews are a great way to explore various alcoholic tastes and various types of beer. Never heard of an IPA? Don't know the difference between an ale and a lager? Hone up on your beer knowledge! It will make you seem smarter, and will in turn, make you attractive to smarter people. You'll be trendier, and will appear much more refined than in your frat boy, Coors Light-drinking years. Also, micro-brews tend to have a higher a.b.v. than the standard light beer, and a much more tolerable flavor than the disgusting national brand heavy beer, so it will take less of them to achieve the party buzz you're seeking (recession tip). However, the stand-by's such as Coors Light and Bud Light are very useful when one needs to consume large quantities of beer in a limited amount of time (including, but not limited to, activities such as: chugging, shot gunning, beer pong, beer bat, flip cup, etc). This makes sense however, because nobody that is actually able to post all of their party pictures on Facebook plays those games on a regular basis anyway.
When it comes to wine, I am far from a connoisseur. However, I will maintain my knowledge that white zinfandel will always be stripper juice. That's a fact. And I judge people who claim to be "classy" while guzzling the rose wine (and most likely wearing a $19.99 pair of Charlotte Russe heels with matching earrings, belt, and chunky necklace to boot). Give up girl, and don't let your acrylics break when you hold onto the stemware.
As far as liquor goes, I really form my opinions on people when I view their hard liquor intake. Nothing makes me want to slap someone harder than those who drink fruity mixed drinks that are like, 1 part vodka to every 4 parts juice. If I wanted lemonade with a "splash" of booze, I'd go back to sixth grade, thanks. Go big or go home is what I say. Allow yourself a base liquor, and one mixer of choice. My personal favorite mixed drinks include: vodka & soda, vodka vodka & soda, tequila and OJ, tequila & soda with a splash of OJ, Jack on the rocks, vodka water with a splash of sour, and whiskey water with a splash of sour (to name a few). I refuse to drink vodka cranberries, and I advise others to do the same. Cranberry juice is only useful if you have a UTI, and if you're slamming vodka cranberries, I think you'd be better off spending the night finding the root of how you contracted the UTI in the first place. Detest Grey Goose, because it's over rated, and predictable. Instead, allow yourself to luxury of Belvedere or Hangar. There is nothing wrong with Ketel One. If you're balling on a budget, 3 Olives is a personal favorite of mine. The golden rule of liquor is that if you have to bend down to get it off the shelf, you could probably use it to clean your sink, and I don't like drinking Pine-Sol. My assessment of alcohol quality is derived from whether or not I could drink it on the rocks. If it's truly a decent spirit, I can enjoy it with just a little bit of ice. And a lot of good times.
As far as cocktails go, blue Long Islands and Electric Lemonades are for broke undergrads. I'm judging you, 42 year old woman, who asks for a Blue Long Island with extra lemons and a fucking cherry. I'm judging you.
Yes, fun shots are fun to do. For like, two rounds, on your 21st birthday. Grow a pair and shoot straight. Not only are birthday cake shots a pain in the ass for a bartender to make, but nothing flashes the "amateur" light like asking for a round of Dirty Girl Scouts, especially after your a few deep. Have you ever puked up creme de menthe? I don't recommend it.
Overall, I'd say that drinking is probably one of my favorite past times, aside from berating people (generally while drinking), and spending money (generally on alcohol). When you're this good at something, it's hard not to look down on those of lesser talent. But don't say I didn't try to help.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Once You Put a Ring on it, Kindly Put a Muzzle on It Too.
I'd just like to make a PSA to anyone under the age of 25, on behalf of the better educated portion of America:
STOP FUCKING GETTING ENGAGED.
I may have a bit of a bias on this subject matter, because apparently, I'm the person you date before you date the person you're going to marry. Translation: I'm 3/3 in the game of ex-boyfriends who are now engaged to some foolish bitch. How do I know these girls are foolish bitches? Um, duh, because they're engaged to one of my ex-boyfriends, who are my ex's for a reason, and why any female would sign the next minimum of 3 years of their lives away to these buffoons escapes me.
I'm not against marriage, per say. I am all for throwing a fucking rager of a wedding. I TiVO "Say Yes to the Dress". However, I've had enough experience in my 22 years of life to know that marriage is definitely a flawed institution. Let's be real here, the divorce rate isn't around 50% for a reason, and I'll never fully believe in something that this great nation of ours limits to a certain portion of the population (okay, my one civil rights push, sorry, I had to)...if it's so great, why not let everyone in on it? And who the hell is Michele Bachmann or any other fundamentalist zealot to determine who can and can not wed (okay, another, sorry, this is an issue I'm really passionate about). I digress.
Things that annoy me about young engagements:
1. The majority of the people I know that are engaged and in my age group are engaged to the one and only significant other they've ever had. How the hell do you know someone's your soul mate when you don't have anything to compare it to? That's akin to believing vanilla ice cream is your favorite flavor when you've never tried anything else, such as Cherry Garcia (it's like crack, I swear). No wonder people find themselves in an unhappy marriage down the line; all the fun of planning a wedding, producing spawn, etc, are over, and then you're finally left realizing that this relationship you have is as good as it's going to get. After all the dust settles, you wonder if this is really how your life was supposed to wind up, if being 30 and a mother of 3 is really all fate had in store. No wonder people are unhappy.
2. Facebook is now a means of announcing your "big news." Okay what the fuck? I understand our daily lives have been subsidized by technology and social networking media, but if you didn't have the decency to at least personally notify people instead of updating your relationship status to "engaged" the minute you slip a ring on your finger, I'm judging you and the success of your relationship. My prediction? It won't be.
3. Nobody has the funds to purchase a ring worth mentioning right out of college. Or while still in college, for that matter. I'm sorry, but if anyone tried to pop the question with a sub-standard ring, I'd say no. This is the single most important piece of jewelry you'll ever wear, why the hell should it be anything less than perfect? The most popular response this statement receives are "you're materialistic (duh)" and "well, that's all they could afford right now." My rebuttal? Ex-fucking-actly. WAIT. Save up until you can get a bigger ring. If you're meant to be together, you will still be together a couple years down the road. What's the fucking hurry to dash down the aisle? Which brings me to my next grievance...
4. Nobody loves a shotgun wedding. I swear to fucking god, if I find myself at another backyard wedding without open bar, I'm going to lose it. Oh, that's all you cold afford for the time being? Please re-visit aggravation #3.
5. What the hell is wrong with your life that you're so desperate to end it before you've even made it to a quarter of a century? Are you really planning on such a short life that getting married at 23 is the only option? What the hell is there to look forward to in your years to come?
And for those who choose to ignore my feelings on the matter (which you shouldn't, because anyone with a brain will agree with me on them), at least be courteous and post lots of close up pictures from every angle of your engagement ring. I'm pretty sure there's a formula based on the cut, clarity, color and carat of the diamond in relation to how long the relationship will last. Oh there isn't, you say? I jest not, such guidelines exist. The formula is along these lines:
The bigger the rock, the better the relationship.
Material things are a great way of showing people you care. If you're like me, and incapable of expressing emotions other than anger (unless I'm completely inebriated, in which case, I don't mean it anyway), presents are a great way of telling someone you like them. I don't like retarded gestures of intimacy, and I hate PDAs, but I am an excellent gift giver. The only people who maintain the idea that money can't buy happiness and looks don't matter are the ugly and poor ones. I like to think that the size of the diamond on the engagement ring is a gauge of how much the suitor values his beloved. If I don't receive a ring that is worth as much as, if not more than, my fiance's car, I'm only going to think he values his own means of transportation more than he values having me in his life. Let's face it, nobody drives a car until they die (unless they are killed in a car accident). Not trying to be morbid, just being honest.
And even if the relationship heads south, I know for a fact diamonds have great resale value, AND, it's super easy to dismount your engagement ring diamond and turn it into a necklace or something. Or to sell it and buy a car.
Either way, I'm so over people expressing their nauseating love for one another when they don't have the slightest clue what love is, and I'm even more over people not showing off their "bling" immediately so I can form a complete opinion on the situation.
My advice? If you like it, don't put a ring on. Wait until you can't live without it, and have the funds to prove it.
STOP FUCKING GETTING ENGAGED.
I may have a bit of a bias on this subject matter, because apparently, I'm the person you date before you date the person you're going to marry. Translation: I'm 3/3 in the game of ex-boyfriends who are now engaged to some foolish bitch. How do I know these girls are foolish bitches? Um, duh, because they're engaged to one of my ex-boyfriends, who are my ex's for a reason, and why any female would sign the next minimum of 3 years of their lives away to these buffoons escapes me.
I'm not against marriage, per say. I am all for throwing a fucking rager of a wedding. I TiVO "Say Yes to the Dress". However, I've had enough experience in my 22 years of life to know that marriage is definitely a flawed institution. Let's be real here, the divorce rate isn't around 50% for a reason, and I'll never fully believe in something that this great nation of ours limits to a certain portion of the population (okay, my one civil rights push, sorry, I had to)...if it's so great, why not let everyone in on it? And who the hell is Michele Bachmann or any other fundamentalist zealot to determine who can and can not wed (okay, another, sorry, this is an issue I'm really passionate about). I digress.
Things that annoy me about young engagements:
1. The majority of the people I know that are engaged and in my age group are engaged to the one and only significant other they've ever had. How the hell do you know someone's your soul mate when you don't have anything to compare it to? That's akin to believing vanilla ice cream is your favorite flavor when you've never tried anything else, such as Cherry Garcia (it's like crack, I swear). No wonder people find themselves in an unhappy marriage down the line; all the fun of planning a wedding, producing spawn, etc, are over, and then you're finally left realizing that this relationship you have is as good as it's going to get. After all the dust settles, you wonder if this is really how your life was supposed to wind up, if being 30 and a mother of 3 is really all fate had in store. No wonder people are unhappy.
2. Facebook is now a means of announcing your "big news." Okay what the fuck? I understand our daily lives have been subsidized by technology and social networking media, but if you didn't have the decency to at least personally notify people instead of updating your relationship status to "engaged" the minute you slip a ring on your finger, I'm judging you and the success of your relationship. My prediction? It won't be.
3. Nobody has the funds to purchase a ring worth mentioning right out of college. Or while still in college, for that matter. I'm sorry, but if anyone tried to pop the question with a sub-standard ring, I'd say no. This is the single most important piece of jewelry you'll ever wear, why the hell should it be anything less than perfect? The most popular response this statement receives are "you're materialistic (duh)" and "well, that's all they could afford right now." My rebuttal? Ex-fucking-actly. WAIT. Save up until you can get a bigger ring. If you're meant to be together, you will still be together a couple years down the road. What's the fucking hurry to dash down the aisle? Which brings me to my next grievance...
4. Nobody loves a shotgun wedding. I swear to fucking god, if I find myself at another backyard wedding without open bar, I'm going to lose it. Oh, that's all you cold afford for the time being? Please re-visit aggravation #3.
5. What the hell is wrong with your life that you're so desperate to end it before you've even made it to a quarter of a century? Are you really planning on such a short life that getting married at 23 is the only option? What the hell is there to look forward to in your years to come?
And for those who choose to ignore my feelings on the matter (which you shouldn't, because anyone with a brain will agree with me on them), at least be courteous and post lots of close up pictures from every angle of your engagement ring. I'm pretty sure there's a formula based on the cut, clarity, color and carat of the diamond in relation to how long the relationship will last. Oh there isn't, you say? I jest not, such guidelines exist. The formula is along these lines:
The bigger the rock, the better the relationship.
Material things are a great way of showing people you care. If you're like me, and incapable of expressing emotions other than anger (unless I'm completely inebriated, in which case, I don't mean it anyway), presents are a great way of telling someone you like them. I don't like retarded gestures of intimacy, and I hate PDAs, but I am an excellent gift giver. The only people who maintain the idea that money can't buy happiness and looks don't matter are the ugly and poor ones. I like to think that the size of the diamond on the engagement ring is a gauge of how much the suitor values his beloved. If I don't receive a ring that is worth as much as, if not more than, my fiance's car, I'm only going to think he values his own means of transportation more than he values having me in his life. Let's face it, nobody drives a car until they die (unless they are killed in a car accident). Not trying to be morbid, just being honest.
And even if the relationship heads south, I know for a fact diamonds have great resale value, AND, it's super easy to dismount your engagement ring diamond and turn it into a necklace or something. Or to sell it and buy a car.
Either way, I'm so over people expressing their nauseating love for one another when they don't have the slightest clue what love is, and I'm even more over people not showing off their "bling" immediately so I can form a complete opinion on the situation.
My advice? If you like it, don't put a ring on. Wait until you can't live without it, and have the funds to prove it.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
I'm going to just dance my way out of this bad romance with this washed up pop star, for the love of Judas.
I have a confession to make: I'm over Lady Gaga.
I'm really over her. I know I'm serious about this because I'm not even going to handle being over her as I have in past scenarios; claiming I'm done with it to all of my friends, posting Facebook statuses about my new great outlook, and then calling the aforementioned situation some 46 times repeatedly after a few too many drinks. I'm not even over it in the sense that I say I'm done with and over it, and then wind up being found sitting in the corner of the shower drinking out of a bottle of Berringer's through a straw screaming Alanis Morrissette lyrics at the top of my lungs (you oughta know, for the record, that wasn't one of my proudest moments).
If you know anything about me, it's that I have an unrivaled affection and belief in pop culture, and most importantly, pop icons. I once had hopes that GaGa would be able to fall into the same category as the likes of Cher and Britney (duh, of course Britney).
When GaGa first came onto the music scene, she was a great performer with an eccentric look. Aside from her penchant for bedazzled leotards with shoulder pads, she was someone the general public could relate to, even in a small capacity. Here she was, performing fresh pop/dance music songs in fun, different outfits. Essentially, she was someone who was performing her mainstream music but putting her own look into it, which proved she was the ultimate proponent of expressing one's own individuality.
Lately, she's fallen off the deep end.
Hear my take on it here, and be sure to follow me on Twitter: @EngelBitch
http://soundcloud.com/engelbitch/is-gaga-over
I'm really over her. I know I'm serious about this because I'm not even going to handle being over her as I have in past scenarios; claiming I'm done with it to all of my friends, posting Facebook statuses about my new great outlook, and then calling the aforementioned situation some 46 times repeatedly after a few too many drinks. I'm not even over it in the sense that I say I'm done with and over it, and then wind up being found sitting in the corner of the shower drinking out of a bottle of Berringer's through a straw screaming Alanis Morrissette lyrics at the top of my lungs (you oughta know, for the record, that wasn't one of my proudest moments).
If you know anything about me, it's that I have an unrivaled affection and belief in pop culture, and most importantly, pop icons. I once had hopes that GaGa would be able to fall into the same category as the likes of Cher and Britney (duh, of course Britney).
When GaGa first came onto the music scene, she was a great performer with an eccentric look. Aside from her penchant for bedazzled leotards with shoulder pads, she was someone the general public could relate to, even in a small capacity. Here she was, performing fresh pop/dance music songs in fun, different outfits. Essentially, she was someone who was performing her mainstream music but putting her own look into it, which proved she was the ultimate proponent of expressing one's own individuality.
Lately, she's fallen off the deep end.
Hear my take on it here, and be sure to follow me on Twitter: @EngelBitch
http://soundcloud.com/engelbitch/is-gaga-over
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Let's Call a Spade a Spade Here People...
For those of you who live under a rock, or have morals, and haven't indulged in the greatest display of idiocracy on television, I would like to introduce you to Toddler's and Tiaras. It's a fantastic show on TLC (you know, the learning channel), that follows various toddlers throughout their journey towards the Ultimate Grand Supreme Title at local beauty pageants. Oh, and it's about their over bearing, pushy, and generally over-weight and under-educated stage mothers.
The show depicts the children, who can barely form sentences, getting spray tans and wearing fake sets of teeth, all in preparation for the upcoming beauty talent competitions. Generally, the children throw tantrums and cry about being paraded around on stage in front of judges while the mothers explain how their children just adore being pageant regulars.
All in all, it's the best display of bad parenting on TV, and it never fails to amuse me.
This past week's episode included a three year old who chose to dress as Julia Robert's character in Pretty Woman. She chose to sport the iconic outfit from the first scene of the movie, when Vivienne first seduces her Lotus-driving Prince Charming. Apparently, this has caused quite a bit of controversy.
I really don't see what the big deal is. Oh, all of a sudden this show is outrageous? It really took a little girl dressed as a hooker for people to realize this? Most of all, who really cares what the little girl was dressed as? It's not as if she understood what she was (unless her mother sat her down and explained to her what that costume symbolized, which is really, just a message that if you work hard enough and screw the right people, you can get anywhere in life).
And even supposing this child did fully comprehend what a prostitute is, let's be real here: this is probably the best action these parents have taken in preparing their daughters for the future. The likelihood of these children going anywhere in life besides a regional beauty pageant is virtually non existent. Just look at these parents: they're Southern, and fat, and completely out of touch with reality. These children have stupid names that set them up for failure as well. Who the fuck names their kid Paisley and thinks it's acceptable? I think it's a lot more outrageous to expect these children to do anything productive with themselves than to just admit that while yes, some children will grow up to be professional athletes and doctors and lawyers and politicians, some of them will inevitably have to grow up to be the strippers and prostitutes that attend to them.
In my opinion, at least this mother gave her daughter a realistic glimpse into her future.
Check out the clip here:
The show depicts the children, who can barely form sentences, getting spray tans and wearing fake sets of teeth, all in preparation for the upcoming beauty talent competitions. Generally, the children throw tantrums and cry about being paraded around on stage in front of judges while the mothers explain how their children just adore being pageant regulars.
All in all, it's the best display of bad parenting on TV, and it never fails to amuse me.
This past week's episode included a three year old who chose to dress as Julia Robert's character in Pretty Woman. She chose to sport the iconic outfit from the first scene of the movie, when Vivienne first seduces her Lotus-driving Prince Charming. Apparently, this has caused quite a bit of controversy.
I really don't see what the big deal is. Oh, all of a sudden this show is outrageous? It really took a little girl dressed as a hooker for people to realize this? Most of all, who really cares what the little girl was dressed as? It's not as if she understood what she was (unless her mother sat her down and explained to her what that costume symbolized, which is really, just a message that if you work hard enough and screw the right people, you can get anywhere in life).
And even supposing this child did fully comprehend what a prostitute is, let's be real here: this is probably the best action these parents have taken in preparing their daughters for the future. The likelihood of these children going anywhere in life besides a regional beauty pageant is virtually non existent. Just look at these parents: they're Southern, and fat, and completely out of touch with reality. These children have stupid names that set them up for failure as well. Who the fuck names their kid Paisley and thinks it's acceptable? I think it's a lot more outrageous to expect these children to do anything productive with themselves than to just admit that while yes, some children will grow up to be professional athletes and doctors and lawyers and politicians, some of them will inevitably have to grow up to be the strippers and prostitutes that attend to them.
In my opinion, at least this mother gave her daughter a realistic glimpse into her future.
Check out the clip here:
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Pretty Sure if My VMA Rant Gets a Few More Hits, I'LL Be on the Next Season of DWTS.
Alright people, the cast list of the next season of Dancing With the Stars has been released, and I'm almost positive a better name for the show would be "Dancing With (people who at one point have had sex with/spoken to/or are related to) The Stars". Srsly.
For those of you who care about pop culture and celebrities as much as I do (and I don't expect that to be many of you, after all, it took be HOURS to construct my wall-shrine to Britney Spears in my dorm room sophomore year...that's dedication most other people would have contributed to studying or something gross), the cast list is far beyond disappointing:
1. Chaz Bono
I get, son of Cher. I get it. Your mother is a legend (she's part of my holy trinity of worship, accompanied by Britney -duh- and Dolly Parton). And, oh, he is a transgendered American. I am not discounting the value of resources he has provided for millions of people through his books, motivational speeches, and Emmy-nominated documentary "Becoming Chaz." I am, however, positive the only reason Chaz Bono is famous is because his mother is, duh, the freaking queen of the world. If he's famous just because he's had gender reassignment surgery, there is an entirely different level of wrong associated with that - millions of Americans each year go through the counseling and surgery required to change their sex, and many of them write books and counsel others on the subject matter. I do support Chaz for using his own real-life experience to provide advocacy and support for millions of others, but I don't feel his celebrity status is deserved. Sadly, Chaz is the celebrity I find most famous and most well known out of the entire cast, which really isn't saying much. However, Chaz Bono deserving fame because his mother is a pop culture icon and he had a surgery to become who he was meant to be is similar to saying one of the Kardashian sisters gained fame because she had a father who defended a wife killer and later in life made a sex tape.
Speaking of Kardashians...
2. Rob Kardashian
Srsly? Yes, we've all seen Rob Kardashian on that reality show on E! (Keeping up With the Kardashians/Khloe and Lamar/Kourtney and Kim Take New York/Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami/E! True Hollywood Story: The Kardashians), but what contribution has he really made? He stares blankly at the camera and slowly drags out his last syllable of whatever asinine words he strings together and calls a statement. Oh, apparently he is part of a modeling campaign for a clothing line featured at Wal-Mart/K-Mart/Salvation Army. I don't care. He's lucky his older sister banged Reggie Bush.
3. Ricki Lake
The only thing I know about Ricki Lake is that she once hosted a show, and I used to change the channel every time it came on TV when I was lying on the couch, home sick from elementary school. I don't know where the hell she's been hibernating for the past 15 years, but I hope she at least emerges with a better haircut.
4. Kristin Cavallari
I used to watch Laguna Beach, and I hated this bitch. I dislike her use of mis-matching bikini tops and bottoms, and I further dislike her whiny tone when she used to talk to her boyfriend "Steeeeee-phennnnn". Apparently she was engaged to an NFL player, and the engagement was broken off. The only reason I can fathom her getting a spot on DWTS is that it was some type of consolation; Lauren Conrad got her own spin off, and all this girl got was a cocaine addiction.
5. Elisabetta Canalis
Really, we're so out of legitimate stars here we now have to import them to learn the foxtrot on national tv? I get it, she slept with George Clooney consistently for two years. Okay, what else? Oh, that's it? Great. I don't care.
6. Ron Artest
Okay, fantastic, let's put a professional athlete with anger issues on display for everyone to judge. My guess is that after Bruno gives him one bad score, heads will roll. No, seriously. There will be blood. Also, if you're best known for beating up a fan, are you really that famous? Why can't we get someone that was known for their talent? Where the hell are LeBron and Kobe? Oh, they're working.
7. Chynna Phillips
Apparently she was a part of a band. To be honest with you, I thought it was the girl from former professional wrestling fame. Publicity fail.
8. David Arquette
Oh, you know, the guy who was married to Courtney Cox and then became an alcoholic who dated strippers? Exactly. What about that previous statement enticed you to want to watch him waltz across your tv?
9. J.R. Martinez
He served in Iraq and then used his fame (he was burned over 40% of his body) to get a role on a soap opera, where he plays himself. Who would have thought enlisting to serve your country would later result in you embarassing yourself all over national tv? Has the military disability pension gotten so bad that veterans are resorting to "acting" on daytime TV?
10. Carson Kressley
He was on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." If he doesn't know how to dance, I've lost all faith in humanity.
11. Hope Solo
You might recognize her from this past year's women's world cup. And yep, that's about all you would recognize her from.
12. Nancy Grace
Sadly, she's probably most recognizable from the cast. She has that incredibly un-biased and deep talk show that discusses current issues, such as the Casey Anthony trial. Once in a while, she takes a break from talking about Casey Anthony to talk about her twins. When she's not talking about "Tot Mom", Grace is a former prosecuter from Georgia. If there's anything I hate more than Republicans, it's the South, which would imply that I intristically hate Nancy Grace. It's true. I can't stand that bitch. I hope she breaks her ankle, falls off the stage, dislocates her shoulder, and is unable to work for at least 3 months. As an extra slap in the face, I hope HLN replaces her show with The Rachel Maddow Show, just for shiggles (that's a combination of shits and giggles).
Needless to say, I will be a devout follower of the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars. But, I won't be a huge supporter of the cast. If you need to be related to someone who's well known, or have formerly slept with someone who's well known, you're doing something wrong. What's worse is that I'm sure DWTS will catapult these people into fame...just look at what it did for Ralph Macchio - he was a semi-finalist, and now he's Lady GaGa's fashion icon.
My ideal season of DWTS would include: Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, Sandra Bullock, Ashton Kutcher, Snooki, and all of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's children. And Suri Cruise. Duh. Love her.
Why can't that cast happen? Oh, right, they're all busy actually being famous. Le sigh.
For those of you who care about pop culture and celebrities as much as I do (and I don't expect that to be many of you, after all, it took be HOURS to construct my wall-shrine to Britney Spears in my dorm room sophomore year...that's dedication most other people would have contributed to studying or something gross), the cast list is far beyond disappointing:
1. Chaz Bono
I get, son of Cher. I get it. Your mother is a legend (she's part of my holy trinity of worship, accompanied by Britney -duh- and Dolly Parton). And, oh, he is a transgendered American. I am not discounting the value of resources he has provided for millions of people through his books, motivational speeches, and Emmy-nominated documentary "Becoming Chaz." I am, however, positive the only reason Chaz Bono is famous is because his mother is, duh, the freaking queen of the world. If he's famous just because he's had gender reassignment surgery, there is an entirely different level of wrong associated with that - millions of Americans each year go through the counseling and surgery required to change their sex, and many of them write books and counsel others on the subject matter. I do support Chaz for using his own real-life experience to provide advocacy and support for millions of others, but I don't feel his celebrity status is deserved. Sadly, Chaz is the celebrity I find most famous and most well known out of the entire cast, which really isn't saying much. However, Chaz Bono deserving fame because his mother is a pop culture icon and he had a surgery to become who he was meant to be is similar to saying one of the Kardashian sisters gained fame because she had a father who defended a wife killer and later in life made a sex tape.
Speaking of Kardashians...
2. Rob Kardashian
Srsly? Yes, we've all seen Rob Kardashian on that reality show on E! (Keeping up With the Kardashians/Khloe and Lamar/Kourtney and Kim Take New York/Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami/E! True Hollywood Story: The Kardashians), but what contribution has he really made? He stares blankly at the camera and slowly drags out his last syllable of whatever asinine words he strings together and calls a statement. Oh, apparently he is part of a modeling campaign for a clothing line featured at Wal-Mart/K-Mart/Salvation Army. I don't care. He's lucky his older sister banged Reggie Bush.
3. Ricki Lake
The only thing I know about Ricki Lake is that she once hosted a show, and I used to change the channel every time it came on TV when I was lying on the couch, home sick from elementary school. I don't know where the hell she's been hibernating for the past 15 years, but I hope she at least emerges with a better haircut.
4. Kristin Cavallari
I used to watch Laguna Beach, and I hated this bitch. I dislike her use of mis-matching bikini tops and bottoms, and I further dislike her whiny tone when she used to talk to her boyfriend "Steeeeee-phennnnn". Apparently she was engaged to an NFL player, and the engagement was broken off. The only reason I can fathom her getting a spot on DWTS is that it was some type of consolation; Lauren Conrad got her own spin off, and all this girl got was a cocaine addiction.
5. Elisabetta Canalis
Really, we're so out of legitimate stars here we now have to import them to learn the foxtrot on national tv? I get it, she slept with George Clooney consistently for two years. Okay, what else? Oh, that's it? Great. I don't care.
6. Ron Artest
Okay, fantastic, let's put a professional athlete with anger issues on display for everyone to judge. My guess is that after Bruno gives him one bad score, heads will roll. No, seriously. There will be blood. Also, if you're best known for beating up a fan, are you really that famous? Why can't we get someone that was known for their talent? Where the hell are LeBron and Kobe? Oh, they're working.
7. Chynna Phillips
Apparently she was a part of a band. To be honest with you, I thought it was the girl from former professional wrestling fame. Publicity fail.
8. David Arquette
Oh, you know, the guy who was married to Courtney Cox and then became an alcoholic who dated strippers? Exactly. What about that previous statement enticed you to want to watch him waltz across your tv?
9. J.R. Martinez
He served in Iraq and then used his fame (he was burned over 40% of his body) to get a role on a soap opera, where he plays himself. Who would have thought enlisting to serve your country would later result in you embarassing yourself all over national tv? Has the military disability pension gotten so bad that veterans are resorting to "acting" on daytime TV?
10. Carson Kressley
He was on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." If he doesn't know how to dance, I've lost all faith in humanity.
11. Hope Solo
You might recognize her from this past year's women's world cup. And yep, that's about all you would recognize her from.
12. Nancy Grace
Sadly, she's probably most recognizable from the cast. She has that incredibly un-biased and deep talk show that discusses current issues, such as the Casey Anthony trial. Once in a while, she takes a break from talking about Casey Anthony to talk about her twins. When she's not talking about "Tot Mom", Grace is a former prosecuter from Georgia. If there's anything I hate more than Republicans, it's the South, which would imply that I intristically hate Nancy Grace. It's true. I can't stand that bitch. I hope she breaks her ankle, falls off the stage, dislocates her shoulder, and is unable to work for at least 3 months. As an extra slap in the face, I hope HLN replaces her show with The Rachel Maddow Show, just for shiggles (that's a combination of shits and giggles).
Needless to say, I will be a devout follower of the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars. But, I won't be a huge supporter of the cast. If you need to be related to someone who's well known, or have formerly slept with someone who's well known, you're doing something wrong. What's worse is that I'm sure DWTS will catapult these people into fame...just look at what it did for Ralph Macchio - he was a semi-finalist, and now he's Lady GaGa's fashion icon.
My ideal season of DWTS would include: Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, Sandra Bullock, Ashton Kutcher, Snooki, and all of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's children. And Suri Cruise. Duh. Love her.
Why can't that cast happen? Oh, right, they're all busy actually being famous. Le sigh.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
If There Hadn't Been a Tribute to Britney, the VMA's Would Have Been More Disappointing than the First Time I Had Sex.
If you follow me on Twitter (which you should, by the way @EngelBitch, it's phenomenal), you would know that I generally share mindless thoughts on miscellaneous issues. I promise, I will never discuss politics or anything deep. For crying out loud, I recently tweeted (by the way, follow me on Twitter: @EngelBitch) about having anxiety over fall manicure trends...clearly I am no authority on political agenda.
However, my assessments of society are always fantastic.
One of the most paramount nights in entertainment occurred this evening: MTV's Video Music Awards. The VMA stages of years past have seen some of the most controversial and ground-breaking events in entertainment: Madonna made out with Britney, Lady GaGa hung from a suspension wire while dripping with stage blood, and Taylor Swift got put in her place by an inebriated Kanye West (that was a totally unbiased statement, obviously). Naturally, I was prepping for tonight to be raucous, awe-inspiring, and generally so out of control that Michele Bachmann would be unable to sleep for weeks after hearing about it (and would hopefully commit suicide because she can't stand to live in a country that supports this type of debauchery - ok sorry, my one political plug).
I was terribly disappointed. I watched the entire pre-show, all of the performances, and all of the presentations of awards, and was left with one question:
What the fuck MTV?
The one aspect of tonight's show that I did approve of was the pre-show, actually. I really enjoyed Selena Gomez, as I find her adorable, and also because I'm slightly jealous she's getting it in with Justin Bieber (let's be honest, we would all tap that). I'll admit it, I had fun watching her interview her own little teenage-heartthrob beau, and was impressed with how professional she was trying to be. I also enjoyed the preshow because it was fun watching the celebrities arrive in, well, not in style, that's for sure.
As much as I like Nicki Minaj, I really don't understand what was going on with her outfit, and if anyone tries to feed me some bullshit about it being "for her craft" or "an artistic statement", no, you're wrong. Her look was a cross between having a seizure in a Toys 'R Us and having a seizure in an arts and crafts tent at a day camp. While hers is the only look that comes to mind at the moment, I will stand firmly in my ground that there was nothing spectacular about anyone's look for the night, especially, the opening performer's:
FUCKING LADY GAGA.
Not only was I expecting a grander entrance, but I was expecting a better performance. Yes, vocally, she sounded great. Par for the course. But, for someone who has committed suicide in a leotard fit for the drag-queen show version of Black Swan, hatched out of an egg, and performed on a custom-made piano (alongside ELTON JOHN, no less), she seriously disappointed tonight. First of all, what the hell compelled her to dress up in drag and NOT have a costume change? I felt a little lost tonight without her crazy outfits and headpieces (and no, Katy Perry did NOT fill the void for me). Yes, I get it, she was dressing up as the ex-boyfriend who wronged her and motivated her to become the star she is today. But really? Staying like that the entire night? Want to know what I did the last time I had an ex-boyfriend wrong me? I got a super awesome set of boobs and slept with his arch nemesis, as any other self-respecting female would do. Aside from her apalling look, her performance wasn't anything spectacular either. Essentially, the theatrics came down to smoking a cigarette and pouring a bottle of beer on people. I used to pull shenanigans like that all the time, and that time was called when I was ages 15-19, and those antics only occurred when I was already black out drunk (still not sorry about that, if I poured beer on you, you fucking deserved it). Regardless, she did not set the tone for a very interesting show.
This year, MTV chose to not have a host for the show, which, given the implication that the would-be host was Kevin Hart, was an excellent idea. His opening stand-up presentation was beyond horrid. That man has worse delivery than a blind obstetrician. I was uncomfortable during his short quip, and I can't even imagine how the rest of the audience felt. When you're opening up with "Hey Lil Wayne, you're black, stop skateboarding", you're pretty much doomed. The skits in between commercial breaks weren't much better, but it's evident that Hart works better with scripted, rehearsed and filmed material. Also, we get it. Rick Ross is the boss. Speaking of Rick Ross, his introduction of Pitbull with Paul Rudd was absolutely terrible. The two started with a semi-promising banter about how they frequently get confused for one another, and then stopped the dead pan to say "and now presenting Pitbull." Well. Alright then.
Speaking of presenters (see what I did there?), Miley Cyrus didn't disappoint me in the awful looks department tonight. Cyrus abandoned her usual wardrobe of ill-fitting cutoffs or a mini-dress of an unflattering tone and decided to stick with a grey-patterned full length gown. With her hair tightly pulled back, Miley looked terrible. Maybe she sported such a modest look because she's trying to revamp her image as an "entertainer" but, let's be honest here, no matter how many nun-resembling outfits she wears, nobody is going to forget about the slutty cell phone pictures or the time she pole-danced in front of six year olds. The damage is done bitch. Own your skank status and werk.
The night was essentially one disappointing performance after the other. I am a huge Kanye West fan. I am also a huge Jay Z fan. I really enjoy their collaborations, and I did enjoy their performance of otis. However, whether it was the under-stated outfits or the lack of theatrics, they provided a lackluster performance. Pitbull was alright, but I can't say he did anything ground-breaking or memorable. The immensely gifted Adele put on an awe-inspiring display of vocals, but that was it. There was zero performance. She stood in front of a microphone and sang. Yes, her voice is beautiful, but come on, girl, do something slutty or throw glitter into the audience...your performance was more of a lullaby and less of a show. It's undeniable that Chris Brown put on a fabulous dance performance. However, without live vocals to accompany it, I found it way more blase` than it could have been.
I did, however, thoroughly enjoy Beyonce's performance. She sounded great and looked fantastic, as did Bruno Mars in his Amy Winehouse tribute. Maybe I'm a sucker for large-scale productions, but those two performances were the only ones of the night that I felt were up to caliber of an award's show.
I cannot say the same of Lil Wayne, who I was really hoping would end the night with a performance so epic I would be able to forget everything else that went wrong with the evening. I understand that "How to Love" is his new single, but starting his performance with a ballad was not the best idea. I really feel that by adding a little more to his performance in the way of set design would have helped him out. Unfortunately, the awards show itself dragged too much for Weezy to salvage it on his own.
I have mixed feelings on the Britney Spears tribute. I thought the dancing was fantastic, but I would have liked to see a few live vocal contributions from some current artists. It's Britney, God damnit. There is always a way to do more for the queen. However, I am thrilled that she received the awards that she did, and that she was paid a tribute at all. I have ALWAYS been a loyal Britney fan, and am overjoyed that she has received recognition for the contributions to pop music and culture she has made throughout her career.
Overall, I was really left hanging by this year's VMA show. I had a decent amount of excitement built up with the pre-show, and then was significantly let down once the opening acts inched their way in. Nothing became more exciting as the show got into full swing, and the end was severely anti-climatic. I wasn't left in awe and I wasn't seeing stars when it was finished. Sadly, I was searching for the remote...which, incidentally, led me to realize the entire evening paralleled another situation in my life that had a lot of build up and little enjoyment.
Shame on you, MTV.
PS
Follow me on Twitter : http://twitter.com/#!/EngelBitch
Oh, and I started a Youtube channel. Weeee : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvtMDzFQzUE&feature=channel_video_title
However, my assessments of society are always fantastic.
One of the most paramount nights in entertainment occurred this evening: MTV's Video Music Awards. The VMA stages of years past have seen some of the most controversial and ground-breaking events in entertainment: Madonna made out with Britney, Lady GaGa hung from a suspension wire while dripping with stage blood, and Taylor Swift got put in her place by an inebriated Kanye West (that was a totally unbiased statement, obviously). Naturally, I was prepping for tonight to be raucous, awe-inspiring, and generally so out of control that Michele Bachmann would be unable to sleep for weeks after hearing about it (and would hopefully commit suicide because she can't stand to live in a country that supports this type of debauchery - ok sorry, my one political plug).
I was terribly disappointed. I watched the entire pre-show, all of the performances, and all of the presentations of awards, and was left with one question:
What the fuck MTV?
The one aspect of tonight's show that I did approve of was the pre-show, actually. I really enjoyed Selena Gomez, as I find her adorable, and also because I'm slightly jealous she's getting it in with Justin Bieber (let's be honest, we would all tap that). I'll admit it, I had fun watching her interview her own little teenage-heartthrob beau, and was impressed with how professional she was trying to be. I also enjoyed the preshow because it was fun watching the celebrities arrive in, well, not in style, that's for sure.
As much as I like Nicki Minaj, I really don't understand what was going on with her outfit, and if anyone tries to feed me some bullshit about it being "for her craft" or "an artistic statement", no, you're wrong. Her look was a cross between having a seizure in a Toys 'R Us and having a seizure in an arts and crafts tent at a day camp. While hers is the only look that comes to mind at the moment, I will stand firmly in my ground that there was nothing spectacular about anyone's look for the night, especially, the opening performer's:
FUCKING LADY GAGA.
Not only was I expecting a grander entrance, but I was expecting a better performance. Yes, vocally, she sounded great. Par for the course. But, for someone who has committed suicide in a leotard fit for the drag-queen show version of Black Swan, hatched out of an egg, and performed on a custom-made piano (alongside ELTON JOHN, no less), she seriously disappointed tonight. First of all, what the hell compelled her to dress up in drag and NOT have a costume change? I felt a little lost tonight without her crazy outfits and headpieces (and no, Katy Perry did NOT fill the void for me). Yes, I get it, she was dressing up as the ex-boyfriend who wronged her and motivated her to become the star she is today. But really? Staying like that the entire night? Want to know what I did the last time I had an ex-boyfriend wrong me? I got a super awesome set of boobs and slept with his arch nemesis, as any other self-respecting female would do. Aside from her apalling look, her performance wasn't anything spectacular either. Essentially, the theatrics came down to smoking a cigarette and pouring a bottle of beer on people. I used to pull shenanigans like that all the time, and that time was called when I was ages 15-19, and those antics only occurred when I was already black out drunk (still not sorry about that, if I poured beer on you, you fucking deserved it). Regardless, she did not set the tone for a very interesting show.
This year, MTV chose to not have a host for the show, which, given the implication that the would-be host was Kevin Hart, was an excellent idea. His opening stand-up presentation was beyond horrid. That man has worse delivery than a blind obstetrician. I was uncomfortable during his short quip, and I can't even imagine how the rest of the audience felt. When you're opening up with "Hey Lil Wayne, you're black, stop skateboarding", you're pretty much doomed. The skits in between commercial breaks weren't much better, but it's evident that Hart works better with scripted, rehearsed and filmed material. Also, we get it. Rick Ross is the boss. Speaking of Rick Ross, his introduction of Pitbull with Paul Rudd was absolutely terrible. The two started with a semi-promising banter about how they frequently get confused for one another, and then stopped the dead pan to say "and now presenting Pitbull." Well. Alright then.
Speaking of presenters (see what I did there?), Miley Cyrus didn't disappoint me in the awful looks department tonight. Cyrus abandoned her usual wardrobe of ill-fitting cutoffs or a mini-dress of an unflattering tone and decided to stick with a grey-patterned full length gown. With her hair tightly pulled back, Miley looked terrible. Maybe she sported such a modest look because she's trying to revamp her image as an "entertainer" but, let's be honest here, no matter how many nun-resembling outfits she wears, nobody is going to forget about the slutty cell phone pictures or the time she pole-danced in front of six year olds. The damage is done bitch. Own your skank status and werk.
The night was essentially one disappointing performance after the other. I am a huge Kanye West fan. I am also a huge Jay Z fan. I really enjoy their collaborations, and I did enjoy their performance of otis. However, whether it was the under-stated outfits or the lack of theatrics, they provided a lackluster performance. Pitbull was alright, but I can't say he did anything ground-breaking or memorable. The immensely gifted Adele put on an awe-inspiring display of vocals, but that was it. There was zero performance. She stood in front of a microphone and sang. Yes, her voice is beautiful, but come on, girl, do something slutty or throw glitter into the audience...your performance was more of a lullaby and less of a show. It's undeniable that Chris Brown put on a fabulous dance performance. However, without live vocals to accompany it, I found it way more blase` than it could have been.
I did, however, thoroughly enjoy Beyonce's performance. She sounded great and looked fantastic, as did Bruno Mars in his Amy Winehouse tribute. Maybe I'm a sucker for large-scale productions, but those two performances were the only ones of the night that I felt were up to caliber of an award's show.
I cannot say the same of Lil Wayne, who I was really hoping would end the night with a performance so epic I would be able to forget everything else that went wrong with the evening. I understand that "How to Love" is his new single, but starting his performance with a ballad was not the best idea. I really feel that by adding a little more to his performance in the way of set design would have helped him out. Unfortunately, the awards show itself dragged too much for Weezy to salvage it on his own.
I have mixed feelings on the Britney Spears tribute. I thought the dancing was fantastic, but I would have liked to see a few live vocal contributions from some current artists. It's Britney, God damnit. There is always a way to do more for the queen. However, I am thrilled that she received the awards that she did, and that she was paid a tribute at all. I have ALWAYS been a loyal Britney fan, and am overjoyed that she has received recognition for the contributions to pop music and culture she has made throughout her career.
Overall, I was really left hanging by this year's VMA show. I had a decent amount of excitement built up with the pre-show, and then was significantly let down once the opening acts inched their way in. Nothing became more exciting as the show got into full swing, and the end was severely anti-climatic. I wasn't left in awe and I wasn't seeing stars when it was finished. Sadly, I was searching for the remote...which, incidentally, led me to realize the entire evening paralleled another situation in my life that had a lot of build up and little enjoyment.
Shame on you, MTV.
PS
Follow me on Twitter : http://twitter.com/#!/EngelBitch
Oh, and I started a Youtube channel. Weeee : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvtMDzFQzUE&feature=channel_video_title
Friday, August 19, 2011
STOP. With. The Movie Quotes.
Ah, cinema. There's no debate it's one of the greatest innovations of technological society, akin to the motor vehicle and the Rabbit vibrator. It's entertaining, and has ways of bringing people together. It can be both thought provoking (I'm still getting over Inception. I think my head exploded) and mindless (Pineapple Express can make anyone's day seem less stressful). Also, it can be incessently over referenced.
Allow me to elaborate.
Sometimes, there is nothing more enjoyable than catching up with a few good friends over a bottle (or two or three or four) of tequila. It's fun to reminisce on the good old days, and to discuss current events in each other's lives (never religion or politics, it's a cardinal rule, and one I wholly endorse). There are always laughs to be had and memories to be made.
From the same vein, there is nothing more fucking overdone and irritating than sitting at a table of people who rely on humor stolen from films. It's unoriginal, it's too common, and it's not entertaining anymore.
The next time I am at a barbeque and someone stands at the edge of the pool and says "I have an announcement to make...CANNONBALL!" I will find another place to put my kebob skewer entirely. Seriously? You throwing yourself into 6 feet of chlorinated water was of such paramount importance you needed to interrupt everyone to quote Will Ferrell? I highly doubt it.
Much as I mislead people daily into thinking I'm moderately attractive with the highly skilled use of MAC, thousands of people trick others into believing their humorous by inserting movie quotes into conversation. In doing so, all they have proven to their company is their cunning ability to relate a situation. Oh, you're pressuring someone with a gag reflex to shotgun a beer and you quote Beerfest (I remember my first beer!)? How. Fucking. Inspired.
Quote Tolstoy for all I care. Just please. Please. I beg you. Stop trying to convince people you're funny by quoting multi million dollar box office smashes.
Allow me to elaborate.
Sometimes, there is nothing more enjoyable than catching up with a few good friends over a bottle (or two or three or four) of tequila. It's fun to reminisce on the good old days, and to discuss current events in each other's lives (never religion or politics, it's a cardinal rule, and one I wholly endorse). There are always laughs to be had and memories to be made.
From the same vein, there is nothing more fucking overdone and irritating than sitting at a table of people who rely on humor stolen from films. It's unoriginal, it's too common, and it's not entertaining anymore.
The next time I am at a barbeque and someone stands at the edge of the pool and says "I have an announcement to make...CANNONBALL!" I will find another place to put my kebob skewer entirely. Seriously? You throwing yourself into 6 feet of chlorinated water was of such paramount importance you needed to interrupt everyone to quote Will Ferrell? I highly doubt it.
Much as I mislead people daily into thinking I'm moderately attractive with the highly skilled use of MAC, thousands of people trick others into believing their humorous by inserting movie quotes into conversation. In doing so, all they have proven to their company is their cunning ability to relate a situation. Oh, you're pressuring someone with a gag reflex to shotgun a beer and you quote Beerfest (I remember my first beer!)? How. Fucking. Inspired.
Quote Tolstoy for all I care. Just please. Please. I beg you. Stop trying to convince people you're funny by quoting multi million dollar box office smashes.
Why Your Past Relationships Didn't Work and Your Future Ones Won't Either.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and have also been watching a lot of Sex & The City. I used to make the same mistakes in relationships, and would always wonder why the results were less than desired. It hasn't been until recently that I've been able to pinpoint my main fumbles. If you're smart, you will agree with me, and learn from my mistakes.
1. You Couldn't Embrace a Change
New relationships are supposed to be just that - new. Inherently so, would come with all the bells and whistles that new items come with. I truly believe that any type of romantic endeavor is comparable to something really foreign, like hot yoga or a distant relative's wake: if you're in your comfort zone from the beginning, you're doing it wrong. Sure, you might feel comfortable with somebody from the get go (which is a good sign) but if you're lacking the excitement and the wonder that comes with the unknown, run away. Fast.
Comfortable can lead to boring quicker than you can spell "L.L. Bean."
2. You Couldn't Accept the Past
I'd be lying if I said I've never compared myself to someone's ex. I'd also be lying if I said I'd never modified my number when it came to the point in the relationship where that topic came to the forefront. There are some things in your past that need to stay there, just ask any celebrity with a sex tape.
However, there are some inevitable tid bits of history that will arise.
Yes, there were people before you, and yes, more than likely, there will be people after. The quicker you learn this, and learn how to deal with it, the better. If you spend too much time dwelling on what your new flame did before you, you'll miss out on all the great things he or she could be doing with you. Besides, ask anyone that's been with me...sometimes having past experiences comes with benefits that everyone can enjoy.
What irritates me are the people who publicly bash their new partner's ex. Regardless of what your new lover has told you about his or her ex, it's a one-sided story, and therefor, it's half true. I guarantee that nobody wants to have the worst in them put on display after a breakup. When girls constantly speak of how their boyfriend's ex is such a (psycho, stalker, bitch, control freak - you name it), it's also important they consider what their golden-boy lover could have done to contribute to this. Nobody's perfect, and relationships consist of two people. For every time I've gotten called crazy, there has also been a drunk baffoon who refused to answer his cell phone because he "accidentally" left it at home while he was at another girl's house, thus forcing me to drive by aforementioned other girls house in one of my friend's cars wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap, and then find a way to break into the scarlet woman's hosue and go psycho on his ass, that made me that way.
Bottom line: consider the source. Listen to the whole story when someone complains about their ex. I remember when I started dating my ex boyfriend (I was in a state conducive to scenario #4), he talked about how his ex had been such a bitch and had treated him so badly. I have to say after dating him for a few months, I can totally see where she was coming from.
3. You Created a Relationship Based on Comparisons
If there's one thing I despise more than people who marry their high school sweethearts, it's people who become the ridiculous "anti-ex" when in a relationship. We all know these people, and chances are we've probably been one at point or another, and have probably dated one at one point or another (but hopefully not on multiple occassions). I will pose a scenario to which you all will be able to relate, I'm sure.
Sally and Jack are on their first date. Jack has just gotten out of a long term relationship, and Sally is a whore. Jack is settling into his new, single-guy lifestyle. He's finally rid of the burdens his ex placed on him (and vice versa). Mid date, the topic of past relationships is breached. Jack delves into what used to annoy him about his ex, everything from little quirks to major differences (religion, politics, etc). Jaded by the idea that someone is actually interested in her (see #4), Sally quickly reassures Jack that she is none of these things he holds in such disdain; she is, in fact, the exact opposite. Jack's ex-girlfriend loved to shop. Therefor, Sally hates it! Jack's ex loved little dogs, so, Sally hates them, and will never harbor any canine with a stature smaller than that of a St. Bernard. Jack's ex always took hours to get ready before going out, and now, Jackpot!! (terrible pun, and I'm not sorry about it), Sally is a no-makeup, hair in a pony tail kind of girl. Sounds as if they are a perfect match, right?
Wrong, you idiots.
What people need to realize is that when they open the "ex file" they also open all the emotional baggage (generally filled with dirty laundry) that comes with it. Yes, the ex file may be part of your permanent record, but it doesn't need to be re-opened and evaluated before you re-enter the dating pool.
I'm not saying that you don't learn from past relationships, because, of course you do. I'm just saying that looking for somebody who is the exact opposite of your ex is never a good idea (unless of course, you're me, and we're talking about the guy I dated briefly in 2010, but that's because he was an abusive prick and a terrible person...however, I would like to note that I mainly opt for an aversion to the abusive part).
If someone is fresh out of a relationship, it is more than likely that he or she is still emotionally invested in the last one, whether the emotions are good or bad. For example, if the previous relationship ended badly, it is likely that both parties will tear apart their ex as part of the breakup recovery process, scrutinizing every move, decision and character trait of their ex, generally with pure contempt. Perhaps Jack and his ex girlfriend had gotten in a blow out before they broke up, and he needed to tear apart her every action in order to assure himself that his actions and reactions were justified. Maybe the relationship had already run its natural course, and little scenarios started irritating him. Or maybe they got in a terrible fight one day about how long it took his ex ready to go out, and the little dog bit Jack, all after his ex came back from shopping. Thus, a new partner that resembles their ex in no way, shape, or form seems as the most sensible solution to their past problems.
It's only so long into the relationship that Jack will realize that there was a reason he liked his ex in the first place, which will, subsequently, cause him to compare her to Sally again. It won't be long before he gets tired of the traits he once found so endearing.
It's only natural that this happens. I can't tell you how many times I thought someone would make a good boyfriend because he was the exact opposite of a boy I'd dated in the past. It's only a matter of time that you realize there's a person behind these superficial traits, and whether they own a Border Collie or not, you still have to deal with the person as a whole.
You can't construct a relationship around a comparison. Instead, you have to treat every relationship almost as if the ex's didn't exist - you have to look at the relationship as two people, not a collection of traits you can put on a Venn Diagram, with one circle labeled (love) and the other (hate), in respect to characteristics your exes had.
It's also important to not try and become the "anti-ex" person. I know, it's easy to sell yourself when you can pretend to be (or really are, trust me, I've dated plenty of guys who's exes had no clue how to do their makeup or give a good bitch face) the opposite of the person they just left. But pretty soon, it's time to face the facts: everyone will face a point in their relationship where you have to decide which traits are worth leaving over and which ones are worth glossing over. It's like I have always said to anyone who has complained to me about taking too long to get ready: you can't rush art. In other words, find meaning, not opposites, in new relationships.
3. You Were Desperate
How many times have you (or your friend who shall remain anonymous) dated somebody simply for something to do? You were at a point where you were feeling lonely and a little insecure, and maybe had spent the entire day on the couch watching Lifetime (you know, television for women who are too hungover to move from the couch all day), and then suddenly BAM, you have a text message from that random bro you met one night, and agree to meet him for drinks. A few months later, you're still seeing random bro and you're not sure why, but you really can't come up with any reasons why not to be (thanks to Tivo, your favorite show being on is no longer a valid excuse. Yay. Technology). So where does that leave you? Stuck in a beyond mediocre relationship, just vying for a reason to get out, but still staying in it because you're afraid to be alone/you're afraid nothing better will come along/you have so many of your belongings at his house and what if you try to go get them all but then that leaves you alone and something better had come along, but you were too busy getting your belongings? WELL THAT IS A RISK YOU TAKE.
4. You Dated a Concept, Not a Person
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't change people. Period. There are no exceptions to this rule, especially when it comes to little things. Oh, you really like Johnny, but hate the fact that he's unemployed and living with his parents (and completely content with it) at the age of 30? Well, you have two choices: trade in your Amex for a WIC card with a smile, or run. Fast. Far too often people make the mistake in falling in love with an idea, or the potential of a relationship. Yes, every relationship will gain emotional depth with time an experience. No, the guy your sitting across the table from will not magically lose his accent and affinity to speak in his native dialect with proper grooming. Take everyone you meet at face value. After all, would you want someone to try to change you, because you could be so perfect if only...? Didn't think so. Yes, there will always be little things that get to us about the person we're dating. I for one, get irritated with my boyfriend's constant punctuality (the nerve of him, I know). However, I've learned to accept it and have moved past it. I no longer have dreams of a relationship that runs respectively two hours late to everything. At least I've come to terms with it.
When you set these expectations or hope for a change in someone, it's all the more disappointing when they aren't met. This disappointment can lead to frustrations with your partner and an unbearable amount of hostility. Save yourself the time. Cut through the bullshit right away. If there's something you can't get past about your new potential love interest, don't. You can always leave after you finish your drink.
1. You Couldn't Embrace a Change
New relationships are supposed to be just that - new. Inherently so, would come with all the bells and whistles that new items come with. I truly believe that any type of romantic endeavor is comparable to something really foreign, like hot yoga or a distant relative's wake: if you're in your comfort zone from the beginning, you're doing it wrong. Sure, you might feel comfortable with somebody from the get go (which is a good sign) but if you're lacking the excitement and the wonder that comes with the unknown, run away. Fast.
Comfortable can lead to boring quicker than you can spell "L.L. Bean."
2. You Couldn't Accept the Past
I'd be lying if I said I've never compared myself to someone's ex. I'd also be lying if I said I'd never modified my number when it came to the point in the relationship where that topic came to the forefront. There are some things in your past that need to stay there, just ask any celebrity with a sex tape.
However, there are some inevitable tid bits of history that will arise.
Yes, there were people before you, and yes, more than likely, there will be people after. The quicker you learn this, and learn how to deal with it, the better. If you spend too much time dwelling on what your new flame did before you, you'll miss out on all the great things he or she could be doing with you. Besides, ask anyone that's been with me...sometimes having past experiences comes with benefits that everyone can enjoy.
What irritates me are the people who publicly bash their new partner's ex. Regardless of what your new lover has told you about his or her ex, it's a one-sided story, and therefor, it's half true. I guarantee that nobody wants to have the worst in them put on display after a breakup. When girls constantly speak of how their boyfriend's ex is such a (psycho, stalker, bitch, control freak - you name it), it's also important they consider what their golden-boy lover could have done to contribute to this. Nobody's perfect, and relationships consist of two people. For every time I've gotten called crazy, there has also been a drunk baffoon who refused to answer his cell phone because he "accidentally" left it at home while he was at another girl's house, thus forcing me to drive by aforementioned other girls house in one of my friend's cars wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap, and then find a way to break into the scarlet woman's hosue and go psycho on his ass, that made me that way.
Bottom line: consider the source. Listen to the whole story when someone complains about their ex. I remember when I started dating my ex boyfriend (I was in a state conducive to scenario #4), he talked about how his ex had been such a bitch and had treated him so badly. I have to say after dating him for a few months, I can totally see where she was coming from.
3. You Created a Relationship Based on Comparisons
If there's one thing I despise more than people who marry their high school sweethearts, it's people who become the ridiculous "anti-ex" when in a relationship. We all know these people, and chances are we've probably been one at point or another, and have probably dated one at one point or another (but hopefully not on multiple occassions). I will pose a scenario to which you all will be able to relate, I'm sure.
Sally and Jack are on their first date. Jack has just gotten out of a long term relationship, and Sally is a whore. Jack is settling into his new, single-guy lifestyle. He's finally rid of the burdens his ex placed on him (and vice versa). Mid date, the topic of past relationships is breached. Jack delves into what used to annoy him about his ex, everything from little quirks to major differences (religion, politics, etc). Jaded by the idea that someone is actually interested in her (see #4), Sally quickly reassures Jack that she is none of these things he holds in such disdain; she is, in fact, the exact opposite. Jack's ex-girlfriend loved to shop. Therefor, Sally hates it! Jack's ex loved little dogs, so, Sally hates them, and will never harbor any canine with a stature smaller than that of a St. Bernard. Jack's ex always took hours to get ready before going out, and now, Jackpot!! (terrible pun, and I'm not sorry about it), Sally is a no-makeup, hair in a pony tail kind of girl. Sounds as if they are a perfect match, right?
Wrong, you idiots.
What people need to realize is that when they open the "ex file" they also open all the emotional baggage (generally filled with dirty laundry) that comes with it. Yes, the ex file may be part of your permanent record, but it doesn't need to be re-opened and evaluated before you re-enter the dating pool.
I'm not saying that you don't learn from past relationships, because, of course you do. I'm just saying that looking for somebody who is the exact opposite of your ex is never a good idea (unless of course, you're me, and we're talking about the guy I dated briefly in 2010, but that's because he was an abusive prick and a terrible person...however, I would like to note that I mainly opt for an aversion to the abusive part).
If someone is fresh out of a relationship, it is more than likely that he or she is still emotionally invested in the last one, whether the emotions are good or bad. For example, if the previous relationship ended badly, it is likely that both parties will tear apart their ex as part of the breakup recovery process, scrutinizing every move, decision and character trait of their ex, generally with pure contempt. Perhaps Jack and his ex girlfriend had gotten in a blow out before they broke up, and he needed to tear apart her every action in order to assure himself that his actions and reactions were justified. Maybe the relationship had already run its natural course, and little scenarios started irritating him. Or maybe they got in a terrible fight one day about how long it took his ex ready to go out, and the little dog bit Jack, all after his ex came back from shopping. Thus, a new partner that resembles their ex in no way, shape, or form seems as the most sensible solution to their past problems.
It's only so long into the relationship that Jack will realize that there was a reason he liked his ex in the first place, which will, subsequently, cause him to compare her to Sally again. It won't be long before he gets tired of the traits he once found so endearing.
It's only natural that this happens. I can't tell you how many times I thought someone would make a good boyfriend because he was the exact opposite of a boy I'd dated in the past. It's only a matter of time that you realize there's a person behind these superficial traits, and whether they own a Border Collie or not, you still have to deal with the person as a whole.
You can't construct a relationship around a comparison. Instead, you have to treat every relationship almost as if the ex's didn't exist - you have to look at the relationship as two people, not a collection of traits you can put on a Venn Diagram, with one circle labeled (love) and the other (hate), in respect to characteristics your exes had.
It's also important to not try and become the "anti-ex" person. I know, it's easy to sell yourself when you can pretend to be (or really are, trust me, I've dated plenty of guys who's exes had no clue how to do their makeup or give a good bitch face) the opposite of the person they just left. But pretty soon, it's time to face the facts: everyone will face a point in their relationship where you have to decide which traits are worth leaving over and which ones are worth glossing over. It's like I have always said to anyone who has complained to me about taking too long to get ready: you can't rush art. In other words, find meaning, not opposites, in new relationships.
3. You Were Desperate
How many times have you (or your friend who shall remain anonymous) dated somebody simply for something to do? You were at a point where you were feeling lonely and a little insecure, and maybe had spent the entire day on the couch watching Lifetime (you know, television for women who are too hungover to move from the couch all day), and then suddenly BAM, you have a text message from that random bro you met one night, and agree to meet him for drinks. A few months later, you're still seeing random bro and you're not sure why, but you really can't come up with any reasons why not to be (thanks to Tivo, your favorite show being on is no longer a valid excuse. Yay. Technology). So where does that leave you? Stuck in a beyond mediocre relationship, just vying for a reason to get out, but still staying in it because you're afraid to be alone/you're afraid nothing better will come along/you have so many of your belongings at his house and what if you try to go get them all but then that leaves you alone and something better had come along, but you were too busy getting your belongings? WELL THAT IS A RISK YOU TAKE.
4. You Dated a Concept, Not a Person
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't change people. Period. There are no exceptions to this rule, especially when it comes to little things. Oh, you really like Johnny, but hate the fact that he's unemployed and living with his parents (and completely content with it) at the age of 30? Well, you have two choices: trade in your Amex for a WIC card with a smile, or run. Fast. Far too often people make the mistake in falling in love with an idea, or the potential of a relationship. Yes, every relationship will gain emotional depth with time an experience. No, the guy your sitting across the table from will not magically lose his accent and affinity to speak in his native dialect with proper grooming. Take everyone you meet at face value. After all, would you want someone to try to change you, because you could be so perfect if only...? Didn't think so. Yes, there will always be little things that get to us about the person we're dating. I for one, get irritated with my boyfriend's constant punctuality (the nerve of him, I know). However, I've learned to accept it and have moved past it. I no longer have dreams of a relationship that runs respectively two hours late to everything. At least I've come to terms with it.
When you set these expectations or hope for a change in someone, it's all the more disappointing when they aren't met. This disappointment can lead to frustrations with your partner and an unbearable amount of hostility. Save yourself the time. Cut through the bullshit right away. If there's something you can't get past about your new potential love interest, don't. You can always leave after you finish your drink.
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